Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Mirror, mirror

A bit of catharsis.  Bear with.

I think I’ve put a fair amount of effort into this weight loss malarkey.  I’ve retained (thus far) my determination and, largely, my senses of humour and of proportion.  But yesterday I had a wobble and I’ve not got over it yet.

I was meeting my best friend after work – it was her birthday.  I put a little more thought into what I was wearing and this included a skirt which was very slightly tight but that I think it’s unlikely I could have fitted into at all at the start of this process.  I do not look in mirrors but I imagine I must have glanced to ensure it was okay (ie the slight tightness was not perceptible).

Yesterday I was feeling a flicker of self satisfaction – that I was in this skirt.  And then I inadvertently caught sight of myself.  I don’t look in mirrors for a good reason – the same reason I hate shopping – because I cannot face the unpleasant reality of my appearance.  And there I was looking revoltingly fat – and just plain revolting.  Reader, I looked hideous.  That flicker was ruthlessly expunged and replaced with a searing sense of shame.  I wanted to bolt for home, to go somewhere that people couldn’t see me.  I couldn’t of course but it was the triumph of practicality over every instinct. 

It really brought it home to me – doesn’t matter that I’ve worked really hard and that I’ve achieved a (very) small measure of success: I was hideous and I am still hideous and I will still be hideous for many a stone yet.  I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until I was 3st lighter.  I know it’s going to take forever – and I know I’m prepared to plug away at it and try my utmost to get there – but I also know that every experience like yesterday causes a bit of me to die.  Shame that bit doesn’t show up on the scales as loss.


Curlygirl said...

It is very unfair. You don't deserve to feel this way about yourself. I don't post much (ever) but I have been reading your blog since our LL days. I know there is no point in me telling you that you have gorgeous eyes and that your sarky sharp wit make you very attractive, cos that doesn't matter. it seems very unfair that no matter what you have tried, it hasn't given you the results you would reasonabley expect.
There are four women who I work with who have had the gastric bypass done over the last 18 months, and another friend is going in next week. I know it seems extreme, but the results are good, and seem to be permanent. You eat a pretty healthy diet anyway so I don't think you would struggle afterwards. I used to be quite judgey and high minded about it, but when I see such good results and people just blossoming as they are losing, I have altered my opinion.

Anyway, sorry you feel rubbish. You are lovely and you deserve to see yourself as lovely. Aine Xx

Gabby said...

Oh, I feel for you, I really do. Do you think it's worth considering, though, that your assessment of how you look is not exactly objective? You're positively full of self-loathing - it practically radiates off your blog - so of course you see the worst. Someone else, someone who knows you or even someone who just sees you in the street, might actually be thinking "hey, she has a lovely face/beautiful hair/nice figure/great boobs" etc. I would put money on the fact that nobody sees what you see in the mirror. I know it's tough, and God, I do know how you feel, but perhaps you should try to be a bit kinder to yourself or at least admit the possibility that others would view you in a more flattering light?

Fionna said...

I know it wont make you feel any better and you probably wont believe me but I'm sure people dont see you how you see yourself xxxxx

Peridot said...

Thank you very much for your comments. I'm not quite sure what to say other than that I really, really appreciate you taking the time to be nice. xxx