It’s a funny thing: good behaviour can go largely un-noticed by SoD, but the slightest transgression is punished with alacrity. Reader, I put on ½ lb this week.
I guess I knew that it would happen – there was wine, there was lunch out and there was an un-wise incident with sweets – but, foolish as it may be, I couldn’t help but hope. Not least since I did quite a bit of walking/hiking and was strict apart from the transgressions outlined in my last post. I can feel myself sliding – the temptation to say ‘oh sod it’ is strong and beguiling. Not least since I don’t stand a hope in hell of making any of my goals ahead of my holiday - which makes me panic AND dispirits me.
And that’s another ginger whinge: one of the (many) things I most hate about being fat is the blight it casts on what should be an exciting event. Every party, every wedding, every social occasion and every holiday are marred by the anxiety caused by my weight. In this instance, I had in mind a slew of linen/cotton shirts that I wanted to take to Canada to wear with jeans (I imagine I’ll be in jeans around 90% of the time, with the remainder in hiking scruffs). I’m no longer sure that they’ll fit. I admit, I don’t know because I’ve not tried them – mindful as I am about the potential there for soul-destroying tailspins – but I suspect, strongly and darkly. Also, my walking jacket which I need for bear watching (there is a prescriptive packing list – who knew bears had such a rigid dress code?!): I doubt that fits. Last winter I schlepped about in a manky fleece or a very un-waterproof cotton parka thing. Neither of these will cut the mustard with those sartorially-precise bears.
It is perhaps the epitome of joylessness to buy clothes because the perfectly good ones you have are too small. You feel bad about yourself and you’re disinclined to spend much because you don’t want to be in that predicament – and certainly not for long. This is, of course, a vicious circle. And that’s the positive spin (yes, of the circle, stay with me)! Because that’s assuming you can actually find what you want – a problem for anyone, no matter their size of course, but exacerbated if you’re fat.
I really don’t want to let this spoil my holiday. And in fact, it won’t – once I’m there, it will be wonderful. It’s just the next 5 weeks and fretting and/or agonising and/or freaking out about what to wear/pack/buy in the meantime.
And I’m not going to give in to the ‘sod it’ whisper. There will be treats around my birthday – I don’t need to slide into that 2 weeks early. I need to get as much blubber off as possible – even if it won’t be, can’t be, nearly enough (or even my very reasonable goals).
With that in mind...
Rather gloomy actually, aptly enough (looking out of the window). We have friends to stay this weekend. We’ll be hiking (although not hiking them into the ground as we’ve done in the past), but as discussed, this makes sod all difference to my weight loss anyway. Disappointingly. We’re having a light lunch at a pub, mid-hike but I think I can choose wisely. But then P has made his delicious Asian food for supper – beef rendang, Singapore noodles featuring his long-marinated char siu pork, squash and sweet onion curry and coconut rice. Apparently the rendang has turned out very hot so I might only be able to have a little as I am an utter wuss when it comes to spiciness – a blessing in disguise here I guess. I’m making a chocolate and raspberry pavlova. There will be wine. All of this is much more than I usually allow myself even at a weekend, even saving my syns up. I fear another dispiriting encounter with SoD next week.