It is received wisdom that a loss is a loss (is a loss etc). But this is to ignore that some losses are better than others. Technically I had a loss this week but .... well, I’m only an extra coat of mascara away from a STS with a ½ lb off. I did say I wanted to get into the next stone bracket and I am. By ½ lb. Maybe I need to be more specific in what I want. So, diet gods, next week I would like to lose over 3lbs. Please. I’ve seen scant reward of late for the effort and I’m overdue a bit of payback.
And this, I think, is the crux of my frustration: there’s a lot of willpower, denial and determination on one side and so the balance on the virtual scales here seems as unequally weighted as me and Cheryl Cole on either end of a see-saw.
I did have an incident with French fancies on Thursday last week, following my exceptionally disappointing WI: but I determinedly gave up all syns for the rest of the week, except for wine at the weekend. But normally I allow myself 4-5 syns worth of chocolate, if I’ve been good. I was good, I had no chocolate. I’ve had no chocolate for some time now. Perhaps that’s why I’m day 2 into a migraine: withdrawal. I’m dosed to the max on prescription drugs – perhaps they’re to blame for my piddly loss? Hmm.
And French fancies? Really? So NOT a good use of syns, so NOT a good use of being in a state of penance ever since. It was definitely a result of being fed up with my - frankly unfair - WI last week. And there's twisted logic for you. Merde pour cervelle (me). Still, to seek out the positives there, I did claw it back and I didn't use it to go 'oh sod it' even that day, let alone that week. Such resolve is one of those things that I feel ought to be reflected when SoD gives its verdict but is, of course, not.
I know that I need to think of it in the light of ‘if I weren’t trying so hard, what would the outcome be’ which clearly would be me steadily becoming more and more hefty and all the attendant angst this brings me. Still feels a bit thankless though. To hit my goal for my holiday I’d have to lose 13 ½ lbs in 8 weeks: clearly not going to happen. Especially as my birthday is in there. But, setting that to one side, my next mini goal is to hit 2st off – I have 5 ½ lbs to hit that. I’m trying not to think that could be 11 weeks away if I continue like this. Or more, gulp. And in fact, given that my holiday is 8 weeks away, I could easily be rather heavier in 11 weeks time. And... STOP. I can feel myself being sucked into that spiralling vortex of confusion and panic. A step at a time. Or a huge leap, in the case of 5 ½ lbs.
So just to recap, diet gods: 3 lbs loss (+) for the next 2 weeks (at least); thereafter we’ll re-negotiate. Please.
Nothing to stop me having another good week. I have a meal with a friend tonight but have already told him I won’t be wanting wine (migraine sees to that) so will just pick something innocuous from the menu. And it’s leaving drinks next Tuesday but I’ll be on mineral water – especially since it’s the day before WI. Next week better just be the week when SoD smiles on me, that’s all.