The wedding was lovely. The bride and groom were so in love that they glowed with it. The weather was beautiful - freezing but sunny and bright. My dress fit (and I was complimented) and I kept my shoes on for almost the whole night. All very positive. Lest I get carried away by the relative glamour of my dress and super high heels, I have to tell you that I bought a hat to try and keep warm. Reader, I looked startlingly like an Ewok (teddy bear creatures in Return of the Jedi). It was not the look I was going for but I can see me getting a lot of wear out of this hat. It covered up the scarlet stripes a treat! Actually, I did some concerted washing and managed to tone those right down. AND the hat also kept my ears warm. A useful wardrobe addition. Especially if I have to go to a Star Wars themed party any time soon.
I managed to tick off a few more wedding tasks which made me feel calmer. I'm even relatively upbeat about the fact that I feel ill and coming down with a cold (not flu I hope) as it must surely grant me immunity for the wedding.
But it only takes a small thing to derail me. I got the photos from our 'engagement shoot' today. I look awful. I think if I hadn't got them at work I would have cried. I look stiff which is only my own fault as I was so anxious at the time - maybe now I've seen the worst I'll be able to relax. Maybe booze will help. Maybe the wedding atmosphere will help. But I want to throw away everything I wore on that day - it was actually a shock to see how bad I looked. P is fed up with what he sees as my moroseness and negativity - and I've put on a positive act for him! - we had a quarrel about it.
Really I am only just keeping a grip to not pitch headfirst into self-loathing. It's not our photographers' fault; as I said to them, 'you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear'. Their technique was great - I can see that, save the subject, they are good pics. They sent me 3 photos on email at work and I hated one with a frenzy, one was okay of me but not P and the third was not too bad (I just look lined and haggard). Then the disc arrived tonight with an additional 5 - they were mostly worse (although the one I hated is still in the bottom two). And they took loads on the actual afternoon - it's terrifying to think what the others were like. I must be vainer than I thought - I must think I look better than I really do. Or think that getting married would sprinkle shimmery magic dust on me. I looked lined, dumpy and fat with piggy suspicious little eyes. And roots (but that I can fix).
Trying to 'reframe' this: now I know the worst, it won't be such a shock after the wedding. And I don't need nice photos to have a good time - all that really matters is marrying P; I'll look as good as I can and not let my hopes of what I might have been spoil our day.