Depressed?

Or just plain flaccid?

I got back on my bike for the first time this year. In fact, I think I only cycled once in November so otherwise it would be October when I last cycled regularly. My tyres were almost flat and I had no pump – or, shamefully, any idea of how to use one anyway. Still, I guess it was distraction as I worried about it all the way in to work (panniers bulging with birthday brownies for my boss – an irony which was not lost on me).

If worrying was an Olympic sport, I’d be a world champion. Such a shame it doesn’t make me slim. Or slimmer – I’d happily settle for that. But it was the brownies that tipped the balance; I’ve had 3 and I really needed to burn that 1200+cals that a cycle to and from work would give me towards my brownie deficit. And Spring appeared to have sprung. As it was, it was apparently somewhere just the chillier side of freezing and my neck smarted as I trundled along. A bonus of being not very fit though is that you get awfully warm awfully quickly. I’ve did find someone to pump my tyres up at work (and bought a pump which I’m dubious I have the practical skills to use) so my ride home required my pelvis to act less as a shock absorber. I was more worried about the ride home as this is typically harder for me (I guess my body suddenly goes into shock at the sudden influx of exercise) and I often get the shakes - fortunately I was okay, if a bit slow. And quite cold. And my nether regions seem to have softened up a bit - unfortunately - so I'm a bit sore and stiff today. Still, I plan to try and do it again this week to build up to cycling most days by after Easter. And I hope for hardier nether regions soon!

I seem to have been really busy - that's the reason I didn't post. I was out of the office from Monday afternoon to Thursday morning (a great work trip albeit one where I wasn't actually warm at all for pretty much the entire duration - I kept hoping that meant I was burning calories like mad) and then trying to get through the backlog of work. The trip meant disorganised eating - I can honestly say that there was no way I could be mistress of my own diet. I have to say I was mostly hungry and there were no huge binges but there were - unavoidably - carbs. And I ate a twix (not a chocolate bar of choice but one made out of cold, necessity and availability) and a creme egg.

Then the weekend was carby too - a trip to a tea shop on Saturday (caused by bf's hangover) and a meal out that evening with my mum to celebrate my grandmother's birthday (she's now dead but I miss her every day and we always go out for her birthday) at Wahaca. And those brownies of course.

This weekend is also looking problematic - a trip to a tea shop with bf's parents (mothers day treat) and then lunch with my mother the following day. At least I can mostly make sensible choices for the lunch - and I don't drink at lunchtime which saves a few calories.

But it's Naughty R's wedding at the end of May and I want to minimise my outfit traumas. It's depressing to work out that the very best I can hope for is to be about the weight I finished LL. And that was half a stone heavier than the point where I started to feel - well, not slim but not the sort of fat that I feel needs constant apologies (yep, where I am now). It's almost enough to stop you trying - that knowledge that your best is will definitely fall far short of your goal. I know, I know, it means my goal is too ambitious. And any slimmer is better. And brownies will not help me get to goal. But... I am unhappy as I am. I am impatient for a change (probably because the only time I've lost weight was on LL - and that was only 2.5lbs a week) and I am -as ever - frustrated by my sluggish metabolism that is at polar opposites to my natural impatience.

To give myself some credit though, I have not used any off-schedule eating as an excuse to dive headlong into a vat of sugar, and have tried to make sensible choices all the rest of the time. Is that a feeble justification? I think it sounds it, but actually I am such an all or nothing girl that this sort of moderation is pretty tricky for me.

As well as my 17 mile cycle ride yesterday, we did a 6 mile walk in Essex on Sunday. It was a typical Essex walk - fairly dull in terms of lack of variety (just field after field after field) but I felt an actual burst of joy at being outside in the sunshine (even though it was cold) again. "I'm so happy" I trilled in a probably irritating fashion as I kissed bf (we have a twee habit - instigated by me - of kissing at kissing gates. (Not in public)). Being outside on a walk makes me happy though, it really does. So a planned trip to Dorset for a week's walking with bf, Beth and my mum's labradors (while she visits horrid brother in Singapore) is good news for my perkiness levels. Although if we walk with my mum, she picks up the poo and I fear this will fall to me. Chocolate lab is particularly prolific - ick.