I seem to have entered my January blues early. You wouldn't think that was possible whilst my life still contained chocolate, would you? Actually I have been a right misery-guts for a while now and it has to stop.
I don't know how much of this is due to the weight gain and how much is a mid-life crisis (2010 will see me as a 40 year old spinster of this parish) and how much is something else entirely. They all seem tangled up together. I seem to be frozen motionless in the headlights whilst the juggernaut of misery bears down on me. I need to work out how to leg it to the other side of the road (Q How do you get Peridot to cross the road? A Wave a chocolate bar).
Christmas was - hard work. I can't say I enjoyed it much and that makes me sad because I have always LOVED Christmas. It felt like a slog. And I hate New Year's Eve and that's almost upon us - it's the feeling that you should be doing something fabulous - but, well, aren't.... This year we're spending it with bf's family as it's his father's 80th and I am the designated driver, sigh.
Well, I say that but bf and I had a bad row on Sunday which started off - I think - because I offered to drive but in the wrong way. I used the word 'if' which apparently indicated that I was actually trying to get out of it. It spiralled, escalated and became so unpleasant that I ended up screaming at him to stop (his litany of my many faults) and running to the other end of the flat. Sadly this won't have burnt any calories - it's not a big flat. And I don't know how to stop these arguments - there was then a lull and things improved - but I can't let it alone, I do pick and pick at the scab until it bleeds again. I went off for a walk the next day with my mum and thought and talked (although I probably shouldn't have) and have taken an early NY resolution that I have to change. I have to get some self-esteem - I really despise myself to be brutally honest and I know that's not healthy or normal. How can I expect others to love me if I don't? I have to stop being clingy, cringing and apologetic - I can see that's icky and irritating. I don't suppose I'll ever be anything other than thin-skinned but I have to learn not to allow other people the power to bruise me so badly. I've ordered a couple of confidence in relationships type of books from Amazon - maybe that will be the answer or maybe it will lead me to another answer. It's a start.
And of course the NY resolution I've been making since I was about 12 which is to lose weight. But you knew that, right? More on that later.