I seem to have entered my January blues early. You wouldn't think that was possible whilst my life still contained chocolate, would you? Actually I have been a right misery-guts for a while now and it has to stop.
I don't know how much of this is due to the weight gain and how much is a mid-life crisis (2010 will see me as a 40 year old spinster of this parish) and how much is something else entirely. They all seem tangled up together. I seem to be frozen motionless in the headlights whilst the juggernaut of misery bears down on me. I need to work out how to leg it to the other side of the road (Q How do you get Peridot to cross the road? A Wave a chocolate bar).
Christmas was - hard work. I can't say I enjoyed it much and that makes me sad because I have always LOVED Christmas. It felt like a slog. And I hate New Year's Eve and that's almost upon us - it's the feeling that you should be doing something fabulous - but, well, aren't.... This year we're spending it with bf's family as it's his father's 80th and I am the designated driver, sigh.
Well, I say that but bf and I had a bad row on Sunday which started off - I think - because I offered to drive but in the wrong way. I used the word 'if' which apparently indicated that I was actually trying to get out of it. It spiralled, escalated and became so unpleasant that I ended up screaming at him to stop (his litany of my many faults) and running to the other end of the flat. Sadly this won't have burnt any calories - it's not a big flat. And I don't know how to stop these arguments - there was then a lull and things improved - but I can't let it alone, I do pick and pick at the scab until it bleeds again. I went off for a walk the next day with my mum and thought and talked (although I probably shouldn't have) and have taken an early NY resolution that I have to change. I have to get some self-esteem - I really despise myself to be brutally honest and I know that's not healthy or normal. How can I expect others to love me if I don't? I have to stop being clingy, cringing and apologetic - I can see that's icky and irritating. I don't suppose I'll ever be anything other than thin-skinned but I have to learn not to allow other people the power to bruise me so badly. I've ordered a couple of confidence in relationships type of books from Amazon - maybe that will be the answer or maybe it will lead me to another answer. It's a start.
And of course the NY resolution I've been making since I was about 12 which is to lose weight. But you knew that, right? More on that later.
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Sugarpuff. Your description of your row with bf could be a picture of one of our nastier ones. Over the years I've noticed the similarities there as I'm sure have you. The one difference (now) for me is my improved self-esteem. You have really hit the nail on the head when you identified that as the thing to work on.
I'm not saying that me and D don't argue any more - we do - but they are not nearly as bad and I'm not as hurt by them. So, I can take what is constructive, leave what is not and give as good as I get back if necessary. That is a slightly idealised picture as they're still not brilliant fun or anything!
So, as to how you're going to learn how to value yourself properly, erm, not so many things to suggest. I know that for me, the main thing was understanding that this weight issue I've been struggling with for my whole life is NOT MY FAULT! I just have to learn new skills and keep trying but it is not a reason for me to be worth less as a person than otherwise.
I don't know how you're going to go about it but, whatever you do, it'll be worth it and I'll be happy to help and support.
(((((Big hug)))))
Lesley x
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