I have written before about this but it’s a consistent problem for me – in many ways.
- Special events: we went to a black tie party at the weekend, to celebrate friends’ recent wedding abroad. I found this so traumatic that I was actually shaking. I had a dress that was about as good as it was going to get for me – but a) it was gold and full length and b) well, it was on me. I prefer to be better camouflaged but just generally, having to dress up is really stressful. I wish I could enjoy it but I don’t. I look forward to things – right up until the moment I’m seized with panic about meeting new people and having to dress up.
- Lack of clothes: I have many clothes in different sizes (almost all smaller sizes than I am). And I continue to be an idiot optimist: every time I pack away seasonal clothes, I tell myself that maybe next year they’ll be too big for me. They never are, they are only too small for me. I have things with the tag still on that I intend to downsize into (is this only a housing term? Well, I’m the size of a house so…). I never seem to learn from my own history
- Dressing differently: as above with the gold dress, I caught sight of myself togged up for the “snowmageddon” . Skinny jeans so I could wear my leather wellies and my parka (and obviously a thermal top, jumper and two pairs of socks). I looked unbelievably dumpy and distinctly bag-ladyish.
- Being a wuss: I order things and then I don’t try them on. Which, of course, means I don’t send them back. I’m just too afraid they’re not going to fit and will look awful so I put it off and put it off.
I think it’s partly that I have learnt to get dressed and even put on make-up without looking at myself in the mirror. Something that breaks that trend, forces me into looking and really seeing - and it’s upsetting. I feel like I should carry a card to give to people – or a banner – to apologise for polluting their vision. That’s how bad it’s got.
Also, I am beginning to find more and more that being in public is stressful. I can deal with being at work (just), but even going out for supper with my team I find really difficult and upsetting. And I go home feeling awful about myself. P asked me if I thought I was becoming reclusive and more and more introverted. I can see his point. I am okay with maybe one other couple (and even then it depends where, eg I went to a club (not the dancing kind) in trendy Shoreditch a couple of years ago and found it so upsetting I cried silently in a taxi all the way home.
Clothes are my enemy – but obviously the other option is even worse. I want to buy something that makes me happy – but I’m a few stone off that. I need this op and quickly.
3 comments:
Hey Peri. I'm worried that when you have the op and work hard to drop the weight, you won't feel magically better as you are clearly so down on yourself. Weren't you doing some sort of CBT to be more positive about yourself? Could you reinatate this to help with the post band regime??
The other thing is, I've never seen you look less than attractive, stylish and, just, fine, normal, lovely.
Lesley xx
Thank you for your concern. Post Lighter Life - or a little bit after- I started to feel a lot better about myself. I really do think that several stones down the line, life will seem better.
I have to have psychological assessment for the weight loss surgery. I briefly saw a psychologist a while ago - was supposed to be around food but ended up digging a lot of my childhood up and made me feel so much worse that I really struggled for a bit. I wouldn’t do anything that made me feel like that again.
Px
See, I've only met you the once but still remember how beautiful and glamorous you were - fabulous hair and skin, immaculate and gorgeous make up...and honestly, don't remember your size! But, as ever, what other people think is, to a certain extent, irrelevant if you can't see it yourself.
I tend to dress functionally rather than beautifully and seldom bother with makeup nowadays and actually, I think that it is my protection mechanism. I am much less vain than my younger self, which is good, but I think if I was totally honest, I feel that being bigger has divorced me from a very fundamental part of my self - the girlie part who pores over make up tutorials and lusts over pretty, high heeled shoes. I say that I don't care and that is only half true. But to admit that I do care would be far too painful.
Which is a very long winded way of saying - I feel your pain and you're not alone, but I do wish that you could see yourself through other the eyes of another just one time. I think that it would be a comfort to you.
Sx
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