Work has been ridiculous. They cancelled our Christmas party the other week (and then asked us to contribute to the cancellation fee! Er, no). On one day I had to be in the office by 5am; this meant getting up at 3.30am. This is something that should never happen without a holiday at the end of it. I’ve had a couple of weekends where I’ve been working one or other day too. Tomorrow I have to be up at 5.15am to be in for 7.15am. I’ve not had much emotional or physical energy for anything other than getting through each day. Sound like fun? If so, I’ve explained it wrong.
Also, I am not in the zone. Unless the zone happens to be a furrow of despair. If it is, I am SO there. I swear I’m getting bigger and I feel hideous on too many levels to count. It’s a veritable skyscraper of levels though. It’s got to the stage where I buy a couple of skirts in my size (that I am ashamed of) from ebay, they arrive and don’t fit and yet I simply cannot buy up a size. I have a lot of clothes and I estimate maybe 2% at best actually fit me. I am very, very afraid that I’m at the pre-LL stage. I am a mere whisper away from full on panic and depression.
I’ve got to do something, I know. But I’m not sure what. I’m just in a holding pattern at the moment where I am trying to eat healthily and not crazily.
Also, I’ve started seeing a clinical psychologist attached to the hospital where I see the specialist. I do not honestly think that my fatness is due to any deep seated psychological reason but I am prepared to admit that I am a f*ck up in many other ways. Not to mention the fact that I’m prepared to try anything – I’d love to have an epiphany where everything clicks into place and weight starts dropping off, but I very much doubt this will be the case. What it DOES do however, is wipe out all my mental resources. I went the other week and it was a supposed to be a starve day – I simply could not bully, cajole or summon up the mental energy to do a starve day. I tried and tried and I could not. Of course it’s an excuse but it’s a real one.
Amy - will update on Thanksgiving later this week. But turkey shaped butter? REALLY?