Monday, 16 December 2013

Bigger, not better

My loyal readership (Hi Seren and Amy!) have pointed out that I haven’t updated for a while.  So, let me explain why.
Work has been ridiculous.  They cancelled our Christmas party the other week (and then asked us to contribute to the cancellation fee!  Er, no).  On one day I had to be in the office by 5am; this meant getting up at 3.30am.  This is something that should never happen without a holiday at the end of it.  I’ve had a couple of weekends where I’ve been working one or other day too.  Tomorrow I have to be up at 5.15am to be in for 7.15am.  I’ve not had much emotional or physical energy for anything other than getting through each day.  Sound like fun?  If so, I’ve explained it wrong.
Also, I am not in the zone.  Unless the zone happens to be a furrow of despair.  If it is, I am SO there.  I swear I’m getting bigger and I feel hideous on too many levels to count.  It’s a veritable skyscraper of levels though.  It’s got to the stage where I buy a couple of skirts in my size (that I am ashamed of) from ebay, they arrive and don’t fit and yet I simply cannot buy up a size.  I have a lot of clothes and I estimate maybe 2% at best actually fit me.  I am very, very afraid that I’m at the pre-LL stage.  I am a mere whisper away from full on panic and depression.
I’ve got to do something, I know.  But I’m not sure what.  I’m just in a holding pattern at the moment where I am trying to eat healthily and not crazily. 

Also, I’ve started seeing a clinical psychologist attached to the hospital where I see the specialist.  I do not honestly think that my fatness is due to any deep seated psychological reason but I am prepared to admit that I am a f*ck up in many other ways.  Not to mention the fact that I’m prepared to try anything – I’d love to have an epiphany where everything clicks into place and weight starts dropping off, but I very much doubt this will be the case.  What it DOES do however, is wipe out all my mental resources.  I went the other week and it was a supposed to be a starve day – I simply could not bully, cajole or summon up the mental energy to do a starve day.  I tried and tried and I could not.  Of course it’s an excuse but it’s a real one. 
Amy - will update on Thanksgiving later this week.   But turkey shaped butter?  REALLY?


Linz M said...

I feel your pain. Work suckage is not ideal. I'm just counting down to Christmas now.

I'm hoping Santa will bring me a renewed dose of enthusiasm for weight loss in the New Year. Fingers crossed.

I hope things get better for you, no one should ever be getting up at 0330 for work!


Lesley said... like that is just terrible and totally messes up your life. Hold in there. It WILL get better and when it does you'll be able to concentrate on losing weight.

I would just buy some clothes that fit though. There is nothing more demoralising than not having stuff to wear. Sod the size on the label!!

Chin up hon. L xx

amy said...

Aww, hang in there and stop being so hard on yourself -- you are lovely and sweet. This too shall pass. I will try to post a picture of my turkey butter -- it is so ridiculous, it is sure to cheer you up!

Seren said...

Trying to manage a starve day on a counselling day is...well. Pretty damn near impossible I would have thought. It is incredibly draining. It can be very helpful. Although I suspect that as long as work is taking up so much of your time and your physical (and emotional) energy that help may not manifest itself immediately.

Lesley is, as always, wise - it WILL get better and, in the meantime, buy yourself something pretty to wear. You're worth it.

And remember, any world in which exists such a thing as turkey shaped butter can not be all bad :-)


Gabby said...

It sounds like you're having a tough time in myriad ways so don't beat yourself up about not managing the starve days etc - I wouldn't be able to do that at the best of times! I'll be wishing you well and looking forward to your next update - I rarely comment but am a faithful reader and in solidarity with your weight loss woes!