Am I stress eating? No. There is definitely some room for improvement but on the whole, it’s not too bad. Am I seeing results? PA HA HA HA HA HA. Whaddyouthink? Of course not. And it suddenly feels as if winter is hovering in the wings.
I seem to have spent a scary amount of money recently on winter wardrobe essentials and it gives me no pleasure as I don’t want to stay this size, even though past experience says I’m likely to be stuck with it. I bought a pair of boots, a pair of heeled brogues (admittedly these should fit even if the slimming fairy gets her finger out and notices my existence), a mac and a very expensive jacket (yet to be tried on and justified to myself as an interview talisman). I bought one of those down coats on the basis that it’s warm – it looked shocking and I sent it back as I looked like a chubster wrapped in a duvet. Which was accurate but not flattering. And a parka thing which may or may not yet work out. I have spent a lot of time lugging stuff to the post office to return. I really hate buying clothes at this size – I buy with hope in my heart. The things arrive and I’m afraid to try them on. I finally screw my courage together and 9/10 times I hate them and most of all, me in them. I pay to return the items. Sometimes it feels as if I rent the clothes as a self-flagellation tool. I am fairly confident that I have no latent masochistic tendencies and yet here I am, emotionally bruised.
Work continues to be crazy, frustrating, short-staffed, over-worked and well, crazy in all senses of the word. Still, I’ve not had any cockroaches on my desk this week which means it’s a better week than last week. And perhaps I’ll win the lottery tonight – it wouldn’t make me slim but I think the millions could buy me a fair amount of happiness. And a cockroach-free environment.