Frankly I find it MUCH easier to love my friends and P than myself. It’s true, I know I’m not supposed to admit it but I don’t much like myself. It’s not that I think I am without redeeming features – I know that I am a staunchly loyal friend and wife and that I have enormous (if rather old-fashioned (and I am unrepentant about this)) integrity. I have character traits I don’t like of course - which I won’t be getting into as I don’t want to alienate you! But really, it’s my appearance which at best makes me unloveable to myself and at worst, makes me feel actual self-hatred.
I could list all the things I absolutely hate about myself – and in fact have struggled in the past to come up with something I like about my appearance – but that sort of self-flagellation would be a step too far on a day when I’m feeling quite down anyway. But all of this (unpublished!) list would be bearable if I weren’t fat. I know it’s not cool, it’s not an attitude that’s anything other than despicable but I hate being fat. I rarely meet my own eye in the mirror anymore because I just don’t want to see. When I do see, I feel shame and horror and repulsion.
It’s not very admirable is it? I should be able to say that I’m a nice person (I am!) and that I do the best I can with what I have (having too much!) but I can’t feel it. I know I’m supposed to. It doesn’t make it any easier.