I put on two stone from mid November to post Christmas. Since then I’ve been dieting hard. Last time I weighed myself I had lost 2lbs – it was over a 10 day period but I was encouraged. Until I weighed myself this morning after another 10 days and found I’d put 1.5lbs of that back on. I’ve not been this fat for ages; nothing fits and I absolutely hate myself. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious 2 stone lighter but now it’s almost unbearable. And it feels like there’s nothing I can do.
I was initially quite pleased that I was going to see my metabolic specialist this morning. He’s lovely and I thought at the very least, I could find out whether he thought this intermittent fasting was likely to be a good thing. I’ve worked on the premise that it keeps my rotten metabolism guessing – and since that’s what we have agreed the problem is, it ought to work for me.
But he wasn’t there; instead I saw one of his colleagues. I’m sure he was a nice man but he had no empathy at all and left me feeling absolutely wretched. Essentially he told me that there was nothing wrong with my metabolism, in fact fat people’s metabolisms were higher (I know this is the norm, I am not that norm). He told me that “the laws of physics” meant that if I dieted I would lose weight. He suggested that I am either lying about what I eat or eating without knowing (presumably in my sleep). I know this is wrong but it makes me feel belittled. He suggested a few things, all of which I’ve tried in the past with no success. I can’t realistically see why I’d get a different outcome from the same set of circumstances. But he thought intermittent fasting was quite a good idea. So that’s something I suppose. He’s also suggested Orlistat – again, I’ve tried this (with unpleasant side effects) and it didn’t do anything. I wanted to leave and go home, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. Instead I came into work like a good girl (I’m SO tired of that too) and am trying not to cry here. I also wanted to eat – out of misery and fury – but I’m on a starve day and am sticking to it.
My overwhelming feeling – apart from tiredness – is fear. I know I cannot be happy looking like this; I can’t be happy fat – but if I can’t be slimish, does that mean I can never be happy? I don’t think I can.