Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Fat and fiction

I’m tired.  Tired of being fat.  Tired of putting in this level of effort and feeling like I’ve been punched every time I get on the scales.  Tired of worrying about social occasions which should be fun but seem traumatic because I cannot work out how to look nice, what to buy and wear.  Tired of shopping trips where having to look at myself in the mirror makes me wince and leaves me demoralised.  Tired of not getting the most out of life because I’m perpetually dieting or worrying about dieting (usually both).
I put on two stone from mid November to post Christmas.  Since then I’ve been dieting hard.  Last time I weighed myself I had lost 2lbs – it was over a 10 day period but I was encouraged.  Until I weighed myself this morning after another 10 days and found I’d put 1.5lbs of that back on.  I’ve not been this fat for ages; nothing fits and I absolutely hate myself.  I was uncomfortable and self-conscious 2 stone lighter but now it’s almost unbearable.  And it feels like there’s nothing I can do.
I was initially quite pleased that I was going to see my metabolic specialist this morning.  He’s lovely and I thought at the very least, I could find out whether he thought this intermittent fasting was likely to be a good thing.  I’ve worked on the premise that it keeps my rotten metabolism guessing – and since that’s what we have agreed the problem is, it ought to work for me.
But he wasn’t there; instead I saw one of his colleagues.  I’m sure he was a nice man but he had no empathy at all and left me feeling absolutely wretched.  Essentially he told me that there was nothing wrong with my metabolism, in fact fat people’s metabolisms were higher (I know this is the norm, I am not that norm).  He told me that “the laws of physics” meant that if I dieted I would lose weight.  He suggested that I am either lying about what I eat or eating without knowing (presumably in my sleep).  I know this is wrong but it makes me feel belittled.  He suggested a few things, all of which I’ve tried in the past with no success.  I can’t realistically see why I’d get a different outcome from the same set of circumstances.  But he thought intermittent fasting was quite a good idea.  So that’s something I suppose.  He’s also suggested Orlistat – again, I’ve tried this (with unpleasant side effects) and it didn’t do anything.  I wanted to leave and go home, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry.  Instead I came into work like a good girl (I’m SO tired of that too) and am trying not to cry here.  I also wanted to eat – out of misery and fury – but I’m on a starve day and am sticking to it.
My overwhelming feeling – apart from tiredness – is fear.  I know I cannot be happy looking like this; I can’t be happy fat – but if I can’t be slimish, does that mean I can never be happy?  I don’t think I can.


Katherine Austen said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Don't give up you will get to where you want to be in the end. I don't think that being a goal weight will make everything better but I do think it gets rid of alot of personal unhappiness leaving you able to concentrate on other parts of your life. I was/am exactly the same about worrying about social occasions and how I will be perceived because of my weight. I'm sure you have tried everything under the sun... but I use "My Fitness Pal" to log everything I eat and exercise. It's a really good program, is free and has a excellent app for phones. It will tell you how many calories you should aim for on a daily basis in compliance to your weight loss aims. I find it really helpful in keeping my accountable for things. Hope you feel better soon and stay positive... you WILL get there. x

Sarah @ The Fat Girl Fighting said...

I think the bit you might be struggling with is that your fasting. Is your body going into starvation mode and holding everything? I too have started using myfitnesspal and find it works well. Just dont give up, its about finding what works for you. Maybe try considering tackling other issues that are making you unhappy as often those are related to issues why you are eating. Good luck and if you just want someone to moan to feel free to email me.

Seren said...

I hate to hear you so sad. I completely empathise with feeling uncomfortable and worried about social situations - it can be so difficult to feel that you're constantly plastering a brave face over things - but what especially upsets me is the fact that your efforts don't seem to get you proportional reward. I think you need to make another appointment to go back and see your usual specialist, get rid of the sour taste of the last guy. It doesn't sound like the intermittent fasting is getting you good results - are you being overly restrictive on non fast days perhaps? Thus not creating enough of a contrast? Stay strong, everyone who reads this blog is willing you on to happiness and success.


amy said...

Hi Sweet Peridot. I just reread your entire archives. I am so sorry for your struggles. If I were you, I would do a 1200 calorie plan with reduced, unrefined carbs. Eat whatever you want, track everything, just keep it to 1200. I think the VCLD and the starvation days will just further suppress your metabolism. Definitely try some muscle-building exercise. GOOD LUCK!!!

c macd said...

P, I feel so sorry for you and wish i could help. Feel free to email me if you want to off load/moan can always repay the favour when the tables are turned.

Now, enough sympathy..experts: you can always find one to endorse whichever theory you believe in, the lawyers have been doing it for years so don't worry too much about the hospital experts.

What no-one can argue with is hard, objective fact. I agree with the posts above you need to know your actual intake of energy accurately before you can plan your attack. Could you keep a food diary for 1 day? write everything that passes your lips down, the moment is does, so you don't forget and work out the calories to follow. MFP is good but I often do it the old fashioned way with my notebook and pen. It IS a pain to weigh and measure but you can do anything for 1 day and nothing worthwhile is ever easy anyway.

Good luck