Love is....

Remember those saccharine sweet cartoons? I'm not sure whether they created the phrase or whether they illustrated an existing phrase, but I'm pretty sure that there's an almost infinite number of answers to 'love is...'

Fat is...? Maybe there are as many answers but to me 'fat is..' always wondering whether life would be less difficult if I weren't - and whether if I weren't, I would attract more forgiveness and less condemnation.

Seeing red

Something happened on the tube the other night that gave me pause to think.  Often I try not to think on my commute in case I run screaming into the open air, shouting that it’s unbearable.  I was standing on the tube (obvs) by two girls in their early 20s.  Despite being immersed in my kindle, it became obvious that they were talking about me as one would look at me, turn to the other and say something, then they’d both look at me, then the other would say something... It went on for a bit and my heart sunk.  I started to feel really uncomfortable, unhappy and defensive.  In true passive-aggressive British style, I gave them a hard stare.  Then one said “We were talking about you – about your hair, saying what a lovely colour it was and how much it would suit a friend of mine”.  I guess they must have been hairdressers as they were then saying something like “oh yes, an 897 – maybe with a dash of 278”. 

I have a bit of an ‘issue’ with my appearance at the best of times.  At the worst of times it causes me quite a lot of distress and anxiety.  I guess it’s bubbling up to the surface recently – partly because there’s a lot of pressure to have my photo on my work’s website and partly just because.  I really hate photos btw – I think I look even worse in them that in real life.  But this incident on the tube reminded me that actually, just because I think the worse, it’s not necessarily the case.  If that girl hadn’t said anything, I would have got off that tube, beating myself up mentally for my ugliness and feeling very upset.  It would have ruined at the least my evening, if not my week.  I’d have spent countless future moments obsessing over it again and again (I know this as I’ve had certified bad moments dating back quite some time and I still think about them occasionally).  I can’t, hand on heart, say that it will cure my paranoia, but I will try to remember this.

Still not getting back into a successful chub-reducing mode.  I’m seeing small dips on SoD but my overall stats for the week were 2lbs on.  I had a jump up over the weekend and it’s been steadily – if not very quickly – dipping down but, as I say, overall up.  I’m not letting it derail me though.  At least not yet.  And actually, overall, although I haven’t done very well, I don’t give up, I do just adjust my approach and relentlessly carry on. 

So, outlook for the next week is good – up to official WI day.  No pesky social life to interfere with dieting.  And the following week is looking less good so I really need to make hay this week.  Metaphorically speaking.  Next week I have a pizza evening planned with office pals, and cocktails and dinner (a posh Italian. Restaurant not person) for my stepson’s birthday.  But there’s a whole other WI before then so I won’t fret about that just yet.

Straightening out the spiral

I admit it, I’m struggling at the moment.  Even when I feel like I’m doing the right thing, it’s not translating into progress.  I find it hard to break out of one of these cycles – usually I spin downwards like a spider down the plug hole, despite struggling.  Not this time.  Somehow I need to break out of this. 

So first: the story so far.  I lost 1lb last week and I put on 2lbs the week before.  Maths is not my forte but I’m going in the wrong direction.  And since then, the unofficial WI has shown a tear-stinging 4lbs on.  Despite a wedding where I drank mineral water.  For 9 hours.  Which is WAY longer than a non-sober 9 hours FYI.  And didn’t eat all my main or pudding – and spurned the sweetie table (sobs quietly to self) and evening buffet.  I totally deserve a big loss after that, right?

So instead of going down below the half stone mark and towards the next bracket down, I’m heading, terrifyingly, back up to the one above.  This makes me feel dreadful – physically, but emotionally even more.  So it needs to stop.  I need to break out of the pattern before I drown (yeah, I’m totally flogging the analogy – but it works for me at this point).

This is my action plan:

1. The only thing I haven’t abandoned is the almost daily weighing so continue with that.

2. Oh and the 2 x starve days.  Still doing them, still hate them, still get some result from them.  So keep those.

2. Blog more.  I think I don’t because the apathy has got me – and I don’t like saying the same thing when the same thing is the ‘oh I’m not getting anywhere’ thing (I’d doubtless be delighted to continuously drone one about losing steadily).  So twice a week I think (you’ll be sick of me).

3. Be really strict about things creeping in.  Yes, even mini, low cal things.  It all adds up to chubbsville.

4. Delineate the 3 phases of my diet – Mon and Wed = starve days (or 2 convenient non-sequential days).  Other weekdays = dieting but only semi-starving and weekend is not a licence to go mad but to allow for one night with an aperitif and wine – and to eat healthy evening meals with P.

5. Find a replacement for Jane Plan (for semi-starve days) when I finish those packs (still got quite a lot – and not just because I’m avoiding eating the soup.  I am now throwing those away).  Maybe simple, boring calorie counting (although will have to decide what the calorie limit is).

Today has been a normal dieting day: I’ve done okay.  Not brilliantly because I had half a Millie’s cookie.  Which is better than a whole one but not as good as no cookie.  I had an inordinately long internal dialogue, trying to justify eating the other half though – oh how I wanted to – and managed not to, so that is positive.  I definitely think that sort of restraint ought to be rewarded with an instant lb off (see also: sweetie table, wedding cake (nope, none of that either) and evening buffet).  That should take me to 4lbs off for good behaviour.   Hmmm. Tomorrow is a starve day.  Let’s see where that takes me to on Thursday (official WI day)