The bear necessities

Reader, I stepped on SoD this morning with trepidation.  I feel so bloated I fear I may pop like Violet Beauregard.  My period is a week late.  My best guess - with a little help from Dr Google - is that it's the perimenopause.  It's early for me - about 8 years before my mum had it.  But as this seems to be a condition no-one talks about, it's difficult to say; I do however have sleeplessness, anxiety and forgetfulness which are all symptoms.  Mind you, they're also symptoms of life, so hey.

But I lost 3lbs!  My best loss for - well, ages.  I was pretty damn good tbh with 2 exemplary starve days (helped by such a crazily busy day at work on Monday that I wouldn't have had time to eat anyway).  Note to self: big work thing at the same time as preparing for a holiday is inordinately stressful.  Actually, the work was less stressful than the packing!  But given a missing, presumed absent period and definite water retention/bloating (my stomach feels huge and I couldn't get my ring off), I feared the worst.  But got the best.  How lovely.  It takes me to a half pound shy of 2stone.  Tantalising and frustrating but I'm being philosophical.  I also know that I'll put on half a stone + over the holiday, even being careful, so it will be a while before I'm back here.  But I'll deal with that post-holiday.

Yesterday P looked and found out that the temperatures for 12 days of our stay will be from mid teens to mid twenties.  Except for our 4 days in the mountain where it's currently -5.  Gulp.  Quite aside from the fact that I'm concerned the bears will have - sensibly - hibernated, I only have a light waterproof jacket and a fleece top and cotton trousers for a day's bear watching.  And we go out at 6.30am each day.  It was far too late to do much about this other than buy a couple of thermal tops and a pair of thermal tights.  Let's hope that the layers thing is not myth and folklore.

So, most of my nervous energy is now focussed on trying to remember to pack everything and fretting about whether I'll be warm enough.  And with that, I need to go and pack more.  Does anyone enjoy packing?  Surely it's not possible.  Even if I fit everything in, I worry I'll be told off for it weighing too much.  We're travelling Premium Economy so get an additional 3kg.  Although we still had to pay almost £180 extra to book our seats together.  Grr.

Right, time and suitcase wait for no woman.  See you in 3 weeks.

A clothe thing

So, the old ‘quick on, quick off’ thing?  Apparently doesn’t apply to me L. I lost 1.5lbs.  There are several points I want to make here:

• SoD itself was hungry – I had to feed it with a new battery (making me late for work) so you’d think it would have a bit of empathy
•  TWO starve days
•  Okay, period is due very imminently so that may have affected it
• TWO starve days
•  I was pretty impressive this week overall
• I had a sneaky WI after the first (of TWO) starve days and had lost 2lbs so with an additional starve day and extra dieting days, I seem to have put ON 0.5lb.

In summary: humph, grrr.  I’m hoping that all is explained by my impending period.  Because after all, what could be nicer than additional chub as the icing on a cake of pain?  Rhetorical question, dear Reader.

In any case I’m on a starve day today – the first of two for this WI week – so I am pressing on.  Next WI will hopefully show a far more impressive loss – and that is what is preventing me salving my wounds with a liberal internal application of sugar (chocolate, cakes, sweets...).

It will also be the last before my holiday as we fly next Thursday.

I had a bit of a holiday related shock (no, not the £ although that too obviously.  And don’t even get me started on the outrageous sum we had to pay BA to book our seats together, on top of the additional cost for Premium Economy (nearly £180 and they’re lousy seats)).  I had emailed the bear watching people to test my assumption that the clothing list was for all year round and I wouldn’t really need to bring gloves.  It turns out it’s 5ºC there at the moment and raining heavily.  Although it may get up to 15ºC.  Um.  I then had a look at temperatures in Vancouver and Kelowna.  I had been thinking it would be mid 20ºs; it looks like it’s more likely to be mid to upper teens.  If we’re lucky.  So all the agonising over whether my linen shirts fitted so I could wear them with jeans and sandals?  Utterly pointless.  As was the 2 hours I spent finding my favourite linen shirt which had been consumed in the chaotic maw of my wardrobe.  At least I’d never ironed them. 

Cue: panic buying loads of jumpers I can’t really afford, bewailing spending the money on a lightweight cagoule since warm is clearly going to be the order of the day, wondering what to wear on my feet if I want to wear a skirt occasionally as Birkos are clearly going to leave me with frostbitten toes and I’m going to have to wear opaques.  Reader: I have ordered some ankle boots to wear with both jeans and skirts.  I’d rather wear a longer boot with skirts but packing complications prohibit this - and I notice that wearing ankle boots with skirts appears to be sartorially acceptable at the moment.  Whether the boots will arrive in time is a WHOLE other issue.  Nothing like a bit of additional stress to spice up the approach to a holiday, is there.

I hardly need to say, do I, that I have utterly failed to meet any of my targets for going away.  Target #1 would require me to be 11.5lbs lighter by next week, hastily revised target#2 would require me to be 3.5lbs lighter by next week.  In 25 weeks I have lost a dismal 1st, 10.5lbs.  It’s very hard not to be discouraged by this.  Nonetheless, I plod on.

The Hunger Games

So, birthday news: I ate too much.  Not everything I’d planned, but enough to know that most of those things were actually quite a disappointment.  The doughnuts really weren’t that great, and having had a minor temper tantrum at P for eating one of mine, I realised that they weren’t worth the calories and threw the other away.  The pizza was very poor.  I felt uncomfortably full for most of the week – I do not like that feeling.  I’m hoping to remember this for Canada as a way of curbing my inclination to try EVERYTHING.  Except the craft beer festival we’re going to in Whistler: I don’t like beer.  No great powers of resistance required there but I’m taking it as a virtuous tick.

Last WI I’d lost what seems to be my usual loss of a measly 0.5lb.  This WI I had to psyche myself up even more than usual to address the Scales of Doom.  I’d put on 3lbs.  I had guessed that as worst case scenario – although I’d hoped that it would be 1lb or even 2lbs.  I’ve heard that if it goes on fast, it comes off fast.  I do hope that’s right for me and my strong latent talent for holding on to blubber.  We’ll find out next week.

In fact, I’m hoping to blitz that off extra quickly, due to my new Project Panic Plan.  Only Mrs Spoon responded to my idea of combining 5:2 with SW – and she thought it was a bad idea (for, I have to admit, very valid and astute reasons).  Obviously I’m taking a single voice of caution as an otherwise ringing endorsement.  So, at least until I go away, I’m trying to do two starve days per weighing week – my version would be 3:2:2, three meagre SW days, two starve days and the weekend which is SW with syns.  I can’t say I’m looking forward to it but two weeks ought to be do-able and also measurable.  Clearly if I don’t get a result, I won’t carry on just for fun! 

Yesterday was in fact my first starve day.  Spurred on by WI and as I go to choir from my mum’s on a Wednesday and she has never been known to produce dinner, it seemed like a good starve day.  This week my second will be tomorrow – a poor choice for a starve day really but should work for this week.  Next week will be Wednesday and Monday.  I can confirm I was indeed starving yesterday, as per spec.  Hopefully the blubber is melting like Mr Whippy on a hot day.

I actually went and bought Lighterlife stuff for this.  I had seen that they’re selling bars etc through Superdrug and thought it would be an easy way to do two starve days – four of their packs makes up a starve day’s bounty of calories.  But I am not sure I will stick to LL for this.  Yesterday I had a bottle of banana milkshake that was definitely worse tasting than the sachets I used to blitz with ice.  I had a coffee, an LL bar at lunchtime (chocolate and hazelnut: not pleasant but just about possible to choke down) and a ordinary mug shot soup for supper.  I had forgotten (somehow) my pathological fear of anyone noticing I’m on packs.  Friday is to be a chocolate milkshake (I’m already dubious about this – I may ditch it if it’s as unpleasant as the banana), a bar (I’ll give it another try with another flavour), some fruit and a sort of LL pot noodle in the evening.  I like the idea of the bars as they’re discreet and easy but I’d prefer to have something that is palatable – has anyone tried the Slimfast versions?  There was a company that did two kind of muesli bars as a diet/meal substitute that I actually really liked – but this was about 20 years ago and I’ve not seen them since.  I like some of Boots Shapers chocolate bars but I’m not sure that’s a good substitute!

Anyway, my aim is to lose the birthday blubber and a bit more before we fly to Canada in (*squeal*) TWO WEEKS.  I’m still w-a-y behind on my target but I’ll go down fighting.  Not literally I hope.  On the basis of this week I fear I will put on 8-10lbs which no matter how much I get off beforehand will tip me back up a stone bracket.  Gloomy prognosis.

I did the scary thing and tried stuff on.  I bought a new cagoule (oh the glamour) which just about fits – but ideally I want a little more wriggle room there.  Interestingly, I tried on 2 new fleeces and a new rather clingy long sleeved t-shirt on – and pestered P for his opinion.  P is blunt – you know where you are with him.  It may sting but it’s honest and unequivocal.  He thought all the above were good.  The contrast was marked in our differing opinions when I was trying on the clingy, stripy t-shirt/top: “It’s good” he said “it shows off your figure”.  I looked at him in horror “But I don’t want to show my figure off”.  It was £5 in the sale so I’m keeping it – but I fully anticipate putting a lot of tugging work into making it baggier.  Genuinely, I have the sort of figure that is best shrouded in mystery and material.  But bless him.  

Word up

I’ve been thinking about words recently. 

As you may know, I have this ‘thing’ where I feel I’m so repulsive looking that people shouldn’t have to look at me.  Then, for the book club I run at work, we read Wonder by R J Palacio.  It was an endorsement of the very existence of a book club: something I would never have read but really enjoyed.  The main character, August, has a very severe facial disfigurement and the book is about how people react to him as he attends school for the first time.  It made me realise that being fat and ugly is really not so bad, compared to what some people experience.  I wouldn’t say I feel better about myself, but I do feel more humble and as if I should shut up already.  If you’ve not read Wonder, I recommend it.

And then that got me thinking about the words we use to young girls especially.  I have three nieces and I’m aware that I’m always calling them beautiful (which they are) but as if that’s the only thing that matters.  It’s so easy to say ‘hello beautiful’: you wouldn’t say ‘hello nice’ or ‘hello kind’, would you?  I don’t want them to grow up thinking that beauty is the only thing that matters.  In fact, I was a little sharp with my brother the other day when he said to niece no3 ‘don’t go thinking that being so blonde and beautiful will always work getting you through life’ in tones which strongly implied it would.  I said ‘but as she’s sweet natured and kind, that might just do it’.  Niece one is thoughtful, empathetic and hard working, niece two is feisty, clever and strong minded and niece three is sweet natured and generous.  You can’t throw those descriptors around in the same way, can you?  What do you say to young girls you know?  Does anyone have a way around this?