On a (chin) roll

Well, I suppose a 1lb loss is ‘solid’ but it’s a bit disappointing.  Don’t get me wrong: I’ll take it and I’m only too aware how much worse it could be.  But I guess I’m having a phase where it all just feels like a bit of a slog.  I think it goes in circles – admittedly you only get the novelty factor once but otherwise it swings between acceptance and rebellion.  Acceptance feels like plodding on, not giving it much thought – just doing it, to bastardise the cheesily American slogan.  Rebellion has a whole range of emotions attached: sadness, anxiety (over social occasions and how to minimise their impact and of course, fear of Scales of Doom), resentment (but I want an X and it’s so unfair I can’t).  Guilt pervades all.  I am pretty damn virtuous and on plan, but using syns, thinking about using syns – all this makes me guilty and anxious.  In a nutshell: dieting is not fun. 

I do think it helps a little with the self-loathing though.  I know I’m ‘doing it’.  Ultimately I should look less repulsive; I repeat this in my head when looking in the mirror, when hating what I’m wearing.  P says he can see a difference but I suspect, unless he has some kind of fat-activated x-ray vision, he’s deluding us both.  I can’t.  And I remember on LL it took over a stone before anyone started to notice – and I’m back to just below my starting LL weight.  I reckon it’ll be another stone before it’s remotely impactful or visible.  And given that I’m going so s-l-o-w-l-y that could be another three months.  Sod it, that deserves an emoji: L. 

We are off to Canada in 15 weeks: I should probably think of that as a 15lb loss.  But really I want to lose a stone and a half (minimum tbh) – now, I’m BAD at maths and BAD at the weird number of (smaller) things to (bigger) things (seriously, the explanation of currency in Harry Potter makes as much sense to me) but I’m reasonably sure that’s, um, 21lbs (it IS 14lbs = 1 stone, right?) and that is quite a difference.  I’ll probably put that ON in the 2 ½ weeks we’re there, no problem.  Ah well, we’ll see – I can only do what I can do (infuriatingly). 

And exercise?  Weirdly it has no effect on my weight loss.  I thought this made me a freak but I have read quite a bit of research which shows that it doesn’t necessarily affect weight.  It clearly DOES in some people.  But even when I was running (and hating it) three times a week AND on LL 600 calories, no difference.  Even when I was cycling in to work most days (9miles), no difference.  I’ll still be hiking at weekends but because I LIKE it, not because I expect it to have any impact (okay, I always hope it does but even when recently we did a mammoth 13 miler of which the last 2 miles were hell and I really don’t know how I made it, no impact on scales).

Fatloss Forecast:

Reader, I did something terrible yesterday: I ate 2 WHITE rolls (tiger rolls if it makes a difference – absolutely zero nutritional merits).  I’ve severely kept the carbs down since I started: brown rice once or twice a week, very occasional pasta, even more occasional homemade wholemeal seeded bread.  But P had bought the enticing tiger rolls and I wanted them SO MUCH.  Anyhow, it’s done and I can’t be weeping over bread now.  No booze for me at the weekend though to try and offset the damage.  I ought to have syns in the bank for the rolls but I can’t quite believe it won’t derail me (see opening para).  The other thing is that I’m meeting a friend for drinks on Tuesday evening – she almost always cancels at the last moment though.  I ought to have a solid loss unless I do something stupid.  That seems to be -1lb.  We’ll see.