So, this is my last post before I get married on Saturday. I've learnt a lot during this time - firstly, it's not possible to do every little touch you see on wedding blogs (HOW do they have the time?), secondly, Sod's Law will mean that work becomes ferociously busy just when you could do with having a lunch hour, leaving on time and sneaking a bit of wedmin into your working day and thirdly, an engagement ring does not mean that you will be a different person.
By that I mean that I had, somehow, thought that this might be the way I finally lost weight. But that would only have worked if I had not really been trying; if my barriers were mental rather than physical. I confess I am bitterly disappointed in myself even though I do know I tried as hard as I could. I feel ashamed of myself as a bride, sort of apologetic that I don't fit the ideal. Or even close to that ideal. I am working very hard on getting over this and still enjoying the day. I am determined that although I will be a fat bride, I will be a happy one too. Although I seriously fear the cameras.
And I've made things worse for myself too. As a surprise for P, who is a media hound, a journo friend and I wrote a spoof, silly paper to give to people when they arrive for the ceremony. I gave it to P in advance in the end as there were similarities to his speech and I didn't want it to spoil that and for him to find himself repeating things. He didn't like it. I should have known really as he doesn't really like my humour (he doesn't find it very funny). I am really disappointed that I failed to give him the lovely surprise I'd hoped to. But it gets worse. I had as my headline "Peridot and P in shock shotgun wedding". I didn't realise that shotgun weddings were because of pregnancy - I thought it could be but that it was essentially a sudden wedding. We've been together 17 years, that was the joke. Except it's now not funny. And people will think I'm pregnant (never a good thing but especially for a fat girl). P's distinctly unimpressed, partly because he knows I'm so thin-skinned and partly because he can't see how me and P (yes, another P!) could be so dense ("fucking idiots" is the phrase he actually used). I can't decide whether to just scrap the lot (£80 worth - but could be worse) or tough it out. Either way, it's spoilt for me because I had envisaged a different reaction from P.
What do you think though? Would you think it was a joke or would you think I was pregnant?