Now see ‘ear

Today I heard the unmistakable noise of the lining of my skirt ripping as I sat down.  Fortunately it won’t show.  And I don’t like the skirt (although it is the first time I’ve worn it, it is an ebay cheapie, chosen because it’s warm.  It looks like I’m wearing a not-very-nice, frumpy blanket.  In a bad way).  The better fact is that I am not trying to squeeze into something too small for me, so I won’t self-flagellate ad infinitum.  Although the ripping would suggest otherwise, I grant you.  But it went on easily and seemed to fit well.  Who knows.  I’m thumbing a metaphorical nose at it.

I don’t think it’s the demise of the skirt, but I’m feeling a bit fed up today.  I’ve been trying to think why and I think there are a few reasons.  Firstly, the diet one: I’m just at the stage that any dieter will recognise where it just seems too exhausting an effort.  I just had a little jump down on the scales so I ought to be feeling motivated – but I’ve just got to that point where I am just fed up of being hungry all the time, fed up about all the things I have to turn down that I’d really like.  It’s nothing new and I know I just have to grit my teeth and continue – but I feel a bit buffeted by it.  (No, not that sort of buffet).

The other two things are appearance related.  So not wholly unallied to dieting, I guess. 

One of my best friends and I met up last week to embrace the almost certainly mid-life crisis of a helix piercing (at the top of the ear).  We went to Liberty and I have to say they were excellent (although boy, they must have severe problems getting through a metal detector).  It sounded as if it would be too difficult for me – you cannot sleep on that side, perhaps ever, but certainly for the first 6-12 months.  If you do, you risk the piercing migrating (and, as we are daily reminded, illegal migration is a bad thing).  Seriously though, I don’t need another thing to worry about.  My friend had TWO helix piercings and looks like an Elven princess.  In the course of this, I scanned my ears (mulling over other possibilities, but looking at my friend’s ear and then mine, I came to the unwelcome realisation that I have big, ugly ears.  I’d never really thought about it, although my mother, grandfather and one brother have absolute corkers (well, had, in my Grandpa’s case as he’s dead), so I’m not sure why I’m that shocked.  It felt like that would have been a little boost, especially as I read that if you place it following the angle of your cheekbones (and they’re there somewhere), it gives a face liftening and brightening effect.  That sounded very appealing, but I don’t think adorning an ugly ear is a good idea (although I will continue to wear earrings in my inexpertly, lop-sided pierced lobes, from teenage years). I feel sad that it hasn’t worked out and am pestering said friend on a daily basis, and keep looking at pictures (not all of her, that would be weird…on Pinterest).  I keep going round and round in my head about it – but coming back to the ugly lugholes point which is inescapable.

Secondly my hair.  I quite like the colour of my hair – which is kind of obvious, given that I have it dyed that colour, after all.  But it is very fine and limp.  You know when people say they have fine hair but lots of it?  I have fine hair and not lots of it. It has always been straight and fine, albeit helped a little with the former by use of straighteners.  Recently though, it has completely changed in texture though and become – not curly, not even wavy exactly, more frizzy and kinky. Changed, therefore, for the worse.  And the fact that I’m growing it and it’s at that awkward length where it hits my shoulders and flicks up and/or out and/or kinks unbecomingly.  Quite frankly, it looks dreadful.  I am trying to persist with growing it, hoping it will get beyond this stage.  I guess if it does and it still looks awful, I’ll have to have it all lopped off again. But it’s a lot of (emotional) pain for an only hypothetical gain.

And it’s still February.  But no longer January, thank goodness, which lasted at least  9 weeks.

Absent without leave

It’s been a long, long time.  In the world of immediacy that is the internet, it’s probably a millennia.  I can practically see the tumbleweed blowing across this page, and the wind whistling mournfully across the emptiness.

We’ll come on to emptiness, fyi…

So, since I’ve been gone, what have I done?  Well, first of all in dieting news (because that is what this blog is about, despite me forgetting this at times), I put on 8lbs over 3 weeks at Christmas.  I have lost that now but it was a shock.  Another shock was weaning myself off drinking more than once a week (and no, I didn’t do Dry January – like January isn’t miserable enough) and thinking that starting the day with a chocolate was acceptable.  Yes, advent calendar, I’m looking at you.  

We’ve booked two trips away – oh, and I have a new job. 

The job: I say I have one, in fact it’s only on paper at the moment.  There’s a long wait to sort out leaving here and starting there, so I won’t be there until April.  And I was offered it in December!  I am terrified.  I have never left a job without being absolutely desperate to escape before.  I won’t say my current job is perfect, but I know I am valued for my contribution, especially with the most senior people here, and that is something I cherish, frankly.  I’m not absolutely sure that at the last moment, I won’t bottle it and refuse to leave.  I practically hyperventilate when I think of it.  But it’s a long time off.  And at the moment it is just me, doing the work of three people in my bit of our wider team so I may get very disenchanted very quickly.

We’re going to the West Country after Easter – this is my birthday present to P.  He’s disappointingly unmaterialistic, which makes him very hard to buy for, but he does like a lovely meal out.  So we’re going to Cornwall, back to Fifteen (one of the best meals we’ve ever had, along with Roux at the Langham).  It’s a long way to go for dinner, but as we’re flying down to Devon, we’re also visiting the B&B in where we got engaged for a couple of nights, as well as a lovely tearoom for lunch in Morewenstow (Cornwall) and a trip to the Camel Valley vineyard.  Weather permitting, we should get two good long walks in – one in Devon and one in Cornwall.

Then we’re going to New York for Christmas.  I did not love New York the one time I went, but I had booked us into a very dodgy bit of Harlem and there were massive protests causing disruption (not about our hotel, though there should have been.  There was old, rusted agricultural implements hanging on the walls for instance.  Or they might have been torture implements, it was hard to tell…).  It will also be different as two of P’s colleagues and their families will be there at roughly the same time – we all overlap for Christmas Day and Boxing Day at least and we’ll all meet up for Christmas Day lunch.  Which is likely to be Chinese.  So it will be very different.  I’ve broken the news to my mother and she’s not impressed.  We’ve yet to tell P’s mother.

But here we are at the beginning of bleak February with Spring just a notion, far into the future, let alone any holidays.  I do hate this time of year – but at least we’re through January.  I’m well and truly back on the My Fitness Pal app, counting all my calories and consistently meeting a daily 1000-1100 allocation.  Much more than this and weight starts to go on.  I am still struggling with moderation – as long as I can count and not have life in the way, I can just about manage.  But days where I have social things, I’m still too prone to think that as I can’t count it, I may as well not count at all that day and have a more lavish lunch and/or sneaky snacks.  I don’t know why I find it so hard.  Other than my appalling lack of willpower, of course.  I am meeting up with a friend on Thursday for a midlife crisis moment (no, no toy boy or motorbike) and we’re going out for dinner afterwards – the adrenaline is likely to lead to wine, which in turn, leads to less restrictive food choices.  It’s just as well that, on the whole, I have a very quiet social life.

This is getting long, so I’ll sign off in just a moment – but I said we’d come back to emptiness.  This is a literal rather than psychological thing (I think), and oh, I’m so fed up of being so hungry.  The band has done nothing for me yet.  I’ve had four “fills” which should stop the feelings of hunger – or rather, partially quell them and I shouldn’t be able to eat large portions.  I think packing on 8lbs over Christmas shows that I haven’t reached that point.  It’s unusual to have no response at all.  Sometimes you initially have that effect after a fill and it settles down a bit.  They’re at the point where I am going to have to have some investigation to see whether I have a leaky band or a baggy pouch.  Both of these sound like something that should be on Embarrassing Bodies (admittedly, I’ve never watched it but…).  If it’s the former I suspect it’s another op.  If it’s the latter, I have to have all the fill taken out and then it de-bags… somehow….  Either way, this would not be good news.  It’s frustrating when it seems like you’re the only person this doesn’t work for.  I’d still have to calorie count – and I am fine with that (kinda) – but I’d like the help we forked out so much for.

The Flab Four

Serious change to my MO here - actually writing from home.  I don't have a proper keyboard so always post from work - but recently work has been getting the way of posting.  The nerve.  And I'm aware that it's been aaaaages since I last posted.

I don't think I actually have an overall loss since that last time.  Hidden within that stark number is the 4lbs that I put on and take off and put on and take off... I didn't do too well at the discipline around a planned cheat.  This is something I need to get better at - especially with the festive scene nudging up against us, and brandishing treats.  And I'd like to make some progress that will stop me bouncing blobbily back up to the stone bracket I worked so long and hard to escape.  I'm still just a few lbs off 3 stone - but never getting any closer to it.  It would be good to get a couple of lbs under that by the Christmas insanity.

As it is, I don't have the sort of social life that all women's magazines seem to think we do - all those articles on glittery evening wear, who do they aim that stuff at?  Reader: do you spend the whole of Christmas shimmying from one black tie do to another?  Maybe it's just me...

But the silver lining here is that I don't have innumerable social functions - and all the attendant food and drinks - to navigate.  We have a cheap and cheerful team lunch - which I may not be able to go to anyway because my workload is increasing and stockpiling up to Christmas week.  I won't be sorry if I don't - I suffer from societal anxiety which means large groups are miserable for me, even if I know them all and I can duck the high quantity, low quality food that this will inevitably involve.  We have a weekend away in Aldeburgh which will be quite foodie and a good opportunity for me to practice the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing.  And dinner the Friday before Christmas with my stepson and his current girlfriend - it's a set meal with small portions so it's just the booze to navigate.  I've foresworn cocktails for gin and diet tonics, which is a small help.  But P and his son (and the gf, to a lesser extent) are absolute booze hounds, when they get together and egg each other on.  By that time, we're deep into festive excesses in any case.  (See also: the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing).

Also on the threats list would be the return of Christmas tapas!  I am calorie counting those so that shouldn't derail me (those mini pies! Ouch.  They are having to be a meal on their own).  But there is definitely an increase in temptation at this time of year - and I am absolutely rubbish at resisting.  I'm trying not to think about the variety of deliciousness suddenly adorning every shop, every ad, every everything, whilst edging around them both literally and figuratively.

And on the opportunities list: I have my third fill on Thursday.  As you know, I haven't had any reaction to the fills so far (although perhaps there's something in Lesley's idea that there has been a slight psychological effect).  I can't help but think that surely, SURELY, it must work this time.  In any case, I have a very hungry, difficult three days ahead of liquids only.  Last time I thought that would cause a jolt down on the scales and it didn't.  And yes, I'm still sulking about that.  But maybe this time...  Fingers crossed. And then we'll see.

Hurdles

And we’re off.

Or, rather, I’m off.  I am seeing the next few days as hurdles I have to clear.  Thank goodness they’re metaphorical or I’d have no chance.  As it is, I suspect I have little chance but damnit I am going to try.  

Tomorrow we’re going out to dinner with my stepson and to meet his new girlfriend.  The new girlfriend is clearly biding her time before appearing in TOWIE or Love Island.  I am not sure where I will look.  Must be worse for P.  Although hopefully she will consider dinner with her boyfriend’s dad might be an occasion to wear more, um, clothes.  I suppose if you’ve paid a lot for them, you want to get them out as often as possible – return on investment, cost per wear and all that.

Then we’re going out to dinner (just me and P!) for our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  I think it’s the type of place that has small, beautiful courses – which will suit us both actually.  (Roux at the Landau.  Seren: have you been?) We went for dinner with a friend last Saturday – I didn’t think it was a lot of food but I was in actual pain that night.  Neither of us like being over-full, it’s such a horrible feeling – but this was actual physical pain.  I guess there is some effect from the band, even if it’s not fully functional.

I am still doing this dieting malarky by myself – in that the band isn’t helping me yet.  Hopefully at some point my band will be at optimal fill and my hunger will decrease (not my greed of course, that would have to be a very tight band in my brain somewhere and they don’t offer that - yet).  I do have to be careful not to stretch my pouch however (my new stomach – which is above my main stomach).  We paid a lot of money for this and I don’t want to ruin it.  It’s quite tricky when you don’t have the sensation of being full and then bam, it’s painful a few hours later.  It’ll get easier when it kicks in properly and small portions are sufficient to fill me up.   Even then, I think I will calorie count – I won’t fret if I’m under (ha) but I don’t want to inadvertently go over. 

A restaurant may be easier in any case – you don’t worry about offending anyone by leaving any of your food, it doesn’t come with food for ‘seconds’ and there’s rarely a cheese course that just consists of enormous slabs of cheese sitting on the table for an hour or so as people pick away.  I don’t eat a lot of cheese – and I never bother with biscuits or bread – but it’s still an additional course.  I am cheering myself up, thinking about this, perhaps it will be easier than eating at someone’s house.  I can do this!

My very modest plan is just to keep the rest of the two days as dieting – I suddenly get a glimpse of a world of non-dieting and am inclined to joyfully seize the bit and gamble off into a meadow of sinful gluttony.  And of course to get back to normal first thing Sunday.  Normal for me, that is (so c1000 calories a day).  I’m pretty sure I am going to be on some diet or other for the rest of my life – I just have to make it work for me and that will always include the occasional meal out.  I need to learn – and practice – how to manage those occasions within the overall diet without either freaking out or hurling myself out of the wagon.  It has to be possible.

Ghost in the machine

It’s really hard when I can see other people’s blogs but I can’t comment on them!  I lurk, invisible, reading Seren’s and Leslie’s blogs but although I can leave an anonymous comment on Seren’s, Leslie’s will have none of me. But Venice! Wedding dresses! Consternation at a blue Leslie...

I don’t know why exactly, but it makes me feel disengaged from this whole bloggy world – as if I don’t really exist….  Weird….

Anyway, I’m awfully substantial for someone who is invisible!  Although I have finally – FINALLY – dropped into the next stone bracket.  Now I have my sights fixed on getting my third stone gone – that’s only 3lbs away.  And then it will be the half stone in my current stone bracket and then…. And then… Must not get ahead of myself. 

Especially since I have a foodie time coming up.  I’m choosing to see it as a challenge to not relax my discipline around those moments, but not to fret and be unable to enjoy them.  We’re going to a friend of P’s for dinner tomorrow – she’s a good cook but luckily is unlikely to be doing ridiculous portions.  Breakfast the next day might be trickier – it’s usually croissants or cereal.  I don’t drink milk so cereal is out…. I definitely do worse when I can’t plan in advance.  I tend to panic and make a decision which I later decide was the wrong one and then self-flagellate indefinitely.

Next Tuesday I’m meeting my old boss for a drink. I’ll probably be a bit nervous as she’s very polished. Lovely, but I always feel like a mess next to her. She’d be appalled...

Next Friday we’re meeting my step-son and his new girlfriend (who, by the looks of things, is not the sort of woman who has female friends – if you know what I mean).  I’ve already seen a lot more of her than I’d ideally like (courtesy of Instagram) – and I’ve not met her yet.  And then Saturday it’s our wedding anniversary and we’re going for a posh dinner. 

But one thing at a time.  Focus on making as good choices as possible this weekend.  Sometimes I let the enormity of all the ‘problems’ turn me into panicky jelly.  So focus on one step at a time and remember these are not ‘problems’, but should be looked forward to, calmly and dispassionately.

  

This is a terribly boring post – sorry!

Boing....boing....boing

Seriously.  It’s getting ridiculous.  I lost the holiday weight - and another ½ lb would take me into the next stone back and then, booooiiiiing, I’m back up over it by 1.5lbs.  Am I ever going to get there?  I mean, yes, presumably yes, but goodness it’s wearying. 

We were away for the weekend which meant a dinner out and a breakfast out.  I did particularly well with dinner.  I ate very small portions and gave the rest of it away.  I even ate half an éclair and stopped as I wasn’t enjoying it.  I did less well with breakfast.  Not the full English, which I really don’t like, but they wouldn’t substitute scrambled for poached egg in a Benedict and unless I’m prepared, I tend to panic and make a random choice.  In this case, a bacon sandwich – which was okay, the bacon wasn’t great (I dissected the sandwich and removed all the bacon fat – not through virtue, but through preference).  I had two freshly squeezed red grapefruit juices though, which is just liquid calories, and had a mini pain au chocolate.  So, I guess that accounts for my 1.5lbs on in two days.

I don’t have a single social thing until Friday – and that’s a party which I’m assuming has no food, so I should be able to manage that.  I’m hoping to get rid of that 1.5lb and it would be lovely to get out of this stone bracket that I’ve been in since 13 July.  OMG, I wish I hadn’t looked that up, that’s ridiculous.

It doesn’t help that work is pretty stressful at the moment (and not in a good way) AND our acting head of the team brought in a big drum of Hallowe’en sweets.  Sugar is disastrous for me – I seem incapable of eating just one or two.  Then I try and compensate when it comes to dinner.  I must stop this or we’ll get to mid-November and I STILL won’t have reached a new stone bracket.  I’m taking my shock and using it.

As I mentioned, I had a fill a couple of weeks ago and hoped it would exact a jump-start in the weight loss department.  It didn’t.  And I still don’t have any sensation of being fuller – I’m doing this entirely through calorie counting.   I need to cut the sweets and keep my resolve and self-control up, it’ll be Christmas before we know it and that is feasting season.  Even eating less and being careful, I doubt I’ll do any better than STS, so I need to do all I can to get it down before then.

Ho ho ho.

Back to life, back to reality

I’ve been back just over a week – we got back last Thursday.  It was a great holiday (British Columbia, Washington State and Oregon).  We caught up with friends in BC – and made some more friends – at the beginning and end of the 2.5 week holiday and travelled around Washington and Oregon in between – lots of wine tasting.  I was pretty good with food – I just stopped eating when the portions were big and I continually asked myself whether I was enjoying/still enjoying it.  If I wasn’t, I stopped.  Sounds soooo simple, doesn’t it?  Actually, it was quite hard.  And we pretty much drank every night (except a couple of nights when I was driving us back to whichever hotel, whereas usually I only drink one night a week (because of the calories).  Not much sweet stuff though – the desserts were generally not tempting enough and/or I was too full. 

I didn’t take the bigger pair of jeans because I weighed my case and it was WAY overweight (sigh, even my CASE is bloody overweight).  In fact, I couldn’t even pick the case up to weigh it, so I panicked and took stuff out.  The two pairs of jeans I took were absolutely fine.  I was nervous to wash them when we got home in case I then couldn’t get them on, but, well, they needed washing since I pretty much wore jeans the whole time I was there – with just a few of the hotter days in a linen skirt.  But again, it was fine.

Even so, I was dreading getting on the scales.  Well, you would, wouldn’t you.  Gloomily, I predicted 7-10lbs.  So I was VERY pleasantly surprised to have ‘only’ put on 2.5lbs from the day before we went, and a total up of 4lbs from my lightest weight (on this diet), at the beginning of that week.  Of that, I have lost a little (1.5lbs).  BUT.  (And there always is a but, unfortunately).  I have had a second fill.  That means I’ve been on fluids only for three days.  I thought this would give me a sharp loss (I’d really like to get into the next stone bracket down) but I’ve not lost so much as an ounce.  Rude.  Today I’m on soft food (and will be for three days), but will have eaten a bit over my calorie count of 1000.  The last couple of days have been c780-ish.  I’m still under when you count my exercise (which is just walking), so I’m trying not to worry about it.

Another thing I’m trying not to worry about is brunch with friends on Sunday.  We don’t get to see them much so no way was I going to pass up on the opportunity, but a) I’m still on soft food and b) calories.  I don’t like English cooked breakfasts in any case, so easy to resist that.  I have looked at the menu, intending to have yoghurt and granola or porridge.  Well, they don’t have that.  I’m going to go for an omelette with cheese, mushrooms and herbs.  I think that will be okay in terms of getting it down with no drama involved.  Not too sure about calories but I’ll just have to be careful with my other meal.  Fingers crossed I see a (downward) shift on the scales soon.

Have good weekends!