The Flab Four

Serious change to my MO here - actually writing from home.  I don't have a proper keyboard so always post from work - but recently work has been getting the way of posting.  The nerve.  And I'm aware that it's been aaaaages since I last posted.

I don't think I actually have an overall loss since that last time.  Hidden within that stark number is the 4lbs that I put on and take off and put on and take off... I didn't do too well at the discipline around a planned cheat.  This is something I need to get better at - especially with the festive scene nudging up against us, and brandishing treats.  And I'd like to make some progress that will stop me bouncing blobbily back up to the stone bracket I worked so long and hard to escape.  I'm still just a few lbs off 3 stone - but never getting any closer to it.  It would be good to get a couple of lbs under that by the Christmas insanity.

As it is, I don't have the sort of social life that all women's magazines seem to think we do - all those articles on glittery evening wear, who do they aim that stuff at?  Reader: do you spend the whole of Christmas shimmying from one black tie do to another?  Maybe it's just me...

But the silver lining here is that I don't have innumerable social functions - and all the attendant food and drinks - to navigate.  We have a cheap and cheerful team lunch - which I may not be able to go to anyway because my workload is increasing and stockpiling up to Christmas week.  I won't be sorry if I don't - I suffer from societal anxiety which means large groups are miserable for me, even if I know them all and I can duck the high quantity, low quality food that this will inevitably involve.  We have a weekend away in Aldeburgh which will be quite foodie and a good opportunity for me to practice the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing.  And dinner the Friday before Christmas with my stepson and his current girlfriend - it's a set meal with small portions so it's just the booze to navigate.  I've foresworn cocktails for gin and diet tonics, which is a small help.  But P and his son (and the gf, to a lesser extent) are absolute booze hounds, when they get together and egg each other on.  By that time, we're deep into festive excesses in any case.  (See also: the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing).

Also on the threats list would be the return of Christmas tapas!  I am calorie counting those so that shouldn't derail me (those mini pies! Ouch.  They are having to be a meal on their own).  But there is definitely an increase in temptation at this time of year - and I am absolutely rubbish at resisting.  I'm trying not to think about the variety of deliciousness suddenly adorning every shop, every ad, every everything, whilst edging around them both literally and figuratively.

And on the opportunities list: I have my third fill on Thursday.  As you know, I haven't had any reaction to the fills so far (although perhaps there's something in Lesley's idea that there has been a slight psychological effect).  I can't help but think that surely, SURELY, it must work this time.  In any case, I have a very hungry, difficult three days ahead of liquids only.  Last time I thought that would cause a jolt down on the scales and it didn't.  And yes, I'm still sulking about that.  But maybe this time...  Fingers crossed. And then we'll see.

Hurdles

And we’re off.

Or, rather, I’m off.  I am seeing the next few days as hurdles I have to clear.  Thank goodness they’re metaphorical or I’d have no chance.  As it is, I suspect I have little chance but damnit I am going to try.  

Tomorrow we’re going out to dinner with my stepson and to meet his new girlfriend.  The new girlfriend is clearly biding her time before appearing in TOWIE or Love Island.  I am not sure where I will look.  Must be worse for P.  Although hopefully she will consider dinner with her boyfriend’s dad might be an occasion to wear more, um, clothes.  I suppose if you’ve paid a lot for them, you want to get them out as often as possible – return on investment, cost per wear and all that.

Then we’re going out to dinner (just me and P!) for our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  I think it’s the type of place that has small, beautiful courses – which will suit us both actually.  (Roux at the Landau.  Seren: have you been?) We went for dinner with a friend last Saturday – I didn’t think it was a lot of food but I was in actual pain that night.  Neither of us like being over-full, it’s such a horrible feeling – but this was actual physical pain.  I guess there is some effect from the band, even if it’s not fully functional.

I am still doing this dieting malarky by myself – in that the band isn’t helping me yet.  Hopefully at some point my band will be at optimal fill and my hunger will decrease (not my greed of course, that would have to be a very tight band in my brain somewhere and they don’t offer that - yet).  I do have to be careful not to stretch my pouch however (my new stomach – which is above my main stomach).  We paid a lot of money for this and I don’t want to ruin it.  It’s quite tricky when you don’t have the sensation of being full and then bam, it’s painful a few hours later.  It’ll get easier when it kicks in properly and small portions are sufficient to fill me up.   Even then, I think I will calorie count – I won’t fret if I’m under (ha) but I don’t want to inadvertently go over. 

A restaurant may be easier in any case – you don’t worry about offending anyone by leaving any of your food, it doesn’t come with food for ‘seconds’ and there’s rarely a cheese course that just consists of enormous slabs of cheese sitting on the table for an hour or so as people pick away.  I don’t eat a lot of cheese – and I never bother with biscuits or bread – but it’s still an additional course.  I am cheering myself up, thinking about this, perhaps it will be easier than eating at someone’s house.  I can do this!

My very modest plan is just to keep the rest of the two days as dieting – I suddenly get a glimpse of a world of non-dieting and am inclined to joyfully seize the bit and gamble off into a meadow of sinful gluttony.  And of course to get back to normal first thing Sunday.  Normal for me, that is (so c1000 calories a day).  I’m pretty sure I am going to be on some diet or other for the rest of my life – I just have to make it work for me and that will always include the occasional meal out.  I need to learn – and practice – how to manage those occasions within the overall diet without either freaking out or hurling myself out of the wagon.  It has to be possible.

Ghost in the machine

It’s really hard when I can see other people’s blogs but I can’t comment on them!  I lurk, invisible, reading Seren’s and Leslie’s blogs but although I can leave an anonymous comment on Seren’s, Leslie’s will have none of me. But Venice! Wedding dresses! Consternation at a blue Leslie...

I don’t know why exactly, but it makes me feel disengaged from this whole bloggy world – as if I don’t really exist….  Weird….

Anyway, I’m awfully substantial for someone who is invisible!  Although I have finally – FINALLY – dropped into the next stone bracket.  Now I have my sights fixed on getting my third stone gone – that’s only 3lbs away.  And then it will be the half stone in my current stone bracket and then…. And then… Must not get ahead of myself. 

Especially since I have a foodie time coming up.  I’m choosing to see it as a challenge to not relax my discipline around those moments, but not to fret and be unable to enjoy them.  We’re going to a friend of P’s for dinner tomorrow – she’s a good cook but luckily is unlikely to be doing ridiculous portions.  Breakfast the next day might be trickier – it’s usually croissants or cereal.  I don’t drink milk so cereal is out…. I definitely do worse when I can’t plan in advance.  I tend to panic and make a decision which I later decide was the wrong one and then self-flagellate indefinitely.

Next Tuesday I’m meeting my old boss for a drink. I’ll probably be a bit nervous as she’s very polished. Lovely, but I always feel like a mess next to her. She’d be appalled...

Next Friday we’re meeting my step-son and his new girlfriend (who, by the looks of things, is not the sort of woman who has female friends – if you know what I mean).  I’ve already seen a lot more of her than I’d ideally like (courtesy of Instagram) – and I’ve not met her yet.  And then Saturday it’s our wedding anniversary and we’re going for a posh dinner. 

But one thing at a time.  Focus on making as good choices as possible this weekend.  Sometimes I let the enormity of all the ‘problems’ turn me into panicky jelly.  So focus on one step at a time and remember these are not ‘problems’, but should be looked forward to, calmly and dispassionately.

  

This is a terribly boring post – sorry!