Back to black

So whilst the sickness has not abated yet, the impressive weight loss has ceased: 1.5lb off last week, 1lb this week.  This is unimpressive given the level of general vomminess I’ve experience (yes, that’s a word.  Look, the language evolves all the time, alright?).  So in summary: huge amounts of weight to lose, high level of vomminess, trickle of weight loss.  Sigh.  It doesn’t help that pretty much all I can stomach at peak vom is bread.  Or toast.  Or a pretzel.  Maybe when I feel a little better, I can ditch all the carbs again and that will have an effect.

In the meantime, we had my father-in-law’s funeral.  It was grim.  My husband’s niece was sobbing before we got in and continued throughout the eulogy she delivered.  In general it was a particularly tearful event.  As is tradition really.  The ‘wake’ bit afterwards was much jollier and P has an enormous family of many cousins who it was nice to see.  I looked like a bag-lady/Duracell battery.  I do not wear black except for at funerals and choir performances and it does not suit me.  I look a mess in general but when you factor in a colour which drains me and scrabbling round for an outfit which ‘will do’ on ebay, I felt like an absolute mess. 

I’m not sure if it was this that has pushed me into my ‘I’m so hideous I shouldn’t be allowed out in public’ phases.  I’m pretty shallow if that’s what I take away from a funeral. 

And in fact that’s not what I’ve taken away:

a)     Get as much out of life as you can, you never know when it’s taken away

b)     Extreme love and anxiety for P

c)      Remembering how much I like some of his family (who mostly clearly think I’m absurdly posh (I’m not) but are generously friendly anyway)

d)     Chose songs people know

e)     And okay, get something better if you have to wear black if you don’t want to feel more like a bag-lady than normal

We had an hilarious moment when the first hymn which my MIL insists on telling me is in the Top 10 of hymns (yes, just think on that for a moment) was clearly known by no-one so everyone just sang at different speeds and to varying tunes.  I could see people trying very hard not to laugh.  P later compared it to the ‘Lovely Horse’ sketch on Father Ted but in fairness, it was less tuneful.  My FIL would have been beside himself with mirth.

It’s my choir’s performance on Saturday and although the music is lovely, we’re woefully under-rehearsed: I’m hoping it’s not going to be Lovely Horse II.

Loss

A colleague told me that I was “looking thin” the other day.  I think we all know that’s not true.  I think she meant that she noticed I’d not been eating – and that therefore I must be thinner.  And I haven’t much.  I assume it’s a reaction to this drug, but I’ve continued to feel sick for most of the day and haven’t eaten lunch at all until yesterday and have skipped some evening meals too. 

I’m not sure whether I’m disappointed or not that I seem to be getting used to the drug now and the side effects are lessening.  Admittedly today I couldn’t stomach my breakfast but yesterday I was hungry for lunch AND dinner for the first time in about 10 days.  Weirdly, it must be psychosomatic as I’m having a half dose at the moment and the nurse said I wouldn’t get the effect of the drug until I’m on the proper dose – that will be either this Monday or next, depending if I’ve got over the side effects by then.  And yet the nausea feels pretty real.  This is not how the drug works btw, this is a common side effect – but it achieves the same end!

This week I’ve lost 4lbs.  That’s double what I lost on LL so is pretty startling.  I’m sure it’s affected by the gain from the previous week but it’s still almost shocking.  I know I can’t maintain that rate of loss  (not eating much isn’t really the healthy thing to do for a start – and I certainly hate feeling sick all the time) and I’m trying not to play the ‘if I lose X every week I could by Y by...’ game. 

But we do have a family wedding in March where I will see my brother and the chav in law for the first time in about 5 years (they were too busy to come to my wedding) and I’d rather give her as little to sneer about as possible.  Equally I’d like to feel as confident as possible.  She will be bright orange, in a tiny dress and bare legged of course.

And we’re hoping to go away in the Spring and it would be lovely to feel a fraction less self-conscious.  The formula for self-consciousness vs weight loss seems very unequal – I have to lose a LOT of weight for a very fractional shift in my self consciousness.  Actually this is largely hypothetical since I haven’t hit enough of a weight loss to make any impact into my self-consciousness yet.  But I’m pretty confident that that’s the case.

Thank you all for your comments about my last rather death-themed post.  My father-in-law died early on Tuesday morning.  The funeral is the week after next.  Characteristically, P is being an absolute rock for his mother – but of course the funeral will be hard.  We’ve cancelled a meal out to celebrate a friend’s birthday with loads of people and although we’ll go along for a quick drink to wish her well, we’ll spend the weekend quietly together.  I wish I knew the best way to help him through this.