Still here

You probably thought I’d gone again, dear Reader – I wouldn’t blame you.  I’ve just had a really busy couple of weeks at work (our busiest time).  I’m also feeling particularly low which brings with it a kind of apathy that means I do the bare minimum of social engaging. 

I had my work evaluation yesterday.  I know I do a good job, and I’ve had effusive (written) praise from the top of the organisation, I have a manager whose style is more stick than carrot.  She knows I’ve applied for another job that is a little more senior than my current role (for a different organisation) and essentially told me I wasn’t up to it.  Apparently I not only need to do my job well, which she reluctantly agreed, but also to “find something every day to do that benefits the organisation”.  “Every day” I queried, incredulous.  Not every day she conceded, but often.  It’s not enough to work to a high standard and they will – apparently – expect more.  I spent the whole of Easter working on my application.  I thought it was a long-shot but now I feel that if I get an interview, it’s pointless putting myself through it. 

This woman is my friend – I alerted her to a job here and helped her to get through the interview.  She was having a horrible time in her previous job and I buoyed her up, told her that it was them, not her and that she should go somewhere where she would be valued.  I know she has to do her job, but she acknowledges – if pushed – that I do a good job.  Just not good enough, apparently.  She has a friend who is very senior at the organisation I have applied to.  She’s too senior to be involved in the application I’ve made – but of course it matters.  They had two jobs a bit below what I’m doing now.  I wish I’d applied for those.

It’s particularly exasperating as there is someone in our small team who is that higher grade already – and she is one of the most useless individuals I have ever encountered.  She shunts her work on to more junior members of the team, seems to do very little but is quick to try and blame others for her mistakes.  My manager – her manager – seems to do nothing to tackle the poor performance.  I honestly can’t understand it and the comparison stings.

I was useless afterwards – luckily it was late afternoon.  I managed not to cry – or at least I had a small, private weep in the loos.  I went home and told P, who was furious.  I knew he was furious for me, but it manifested itself in being furious with me.  He called me a wuss, spineless and a coward.  I am not sure what I could have done.  And yes, I am those things, but it really didn’t help.

So, after 4 hours sleep, I’m back at my desk, feeling as if it’s a supreme effort of will not to just bolt for home, trying to act as if I’m okay for my team.  Today cannot go quickly enough.

And tomorrow I’m off.  Not for a fun reason, but to spend a day being evaluated for weight loss surgery.  I don’t rate my chances of not crying at frequent intervals.  My resilience is paper thin at the moment.  I’ve done all the form (it really was a super fun Easter) and of course I’ll go but it just seems exhausting.

In other weight loss news (and it IS supposed to be a weight loss blog after all) I lost 0.5lb last week and put on 0.5lb the previous week.  So, that’s going swimmingly. 

Hopefully I’ll be less gloomy next time I post.  And will have some interesting things to tell you about the assessment day.  Until then, then.