A snip

Things are still tough at work.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so demotivated and demoralised.  Which, in a way, is a good thing – the fact that it’s so sporadic.  Doesn’t help me for now though.  You never know what is around the corner though and I’m hoping that that corner will come up soon and that it will improve things for me.

So, Friday.  It was a very odd experience and again, really disappointing.  On the plus side, I did not cry.  I almost did but I managed not to.  So I’m proud of that.  The assessor was really nice – she even told me that I was doing the right things and it was very unfair.  One of the things you have to do to qualify for surgery is lose 5% of your current weight.  Given that I’m averaging 0.5-1lb a month, that is a tough thing to achieve.  And they’re clearly not keen on the band (preferring the bypass or the sleeve – both of which are much more radical in terms of surgery and in terms of permanence)  But it’s pretty much a moot point now – the waiting list is 1-2 years.  I don’t even know where I’ll be then.  Well, probably here but really, who knows.  When I was waiting to go in, there were a number of other people at various stages.  I was listening to ladies talking who were post-procedure, oooh they were moany.  There didn’t seem to be any appreciation of how lucky they were to get an expensive procedure for free.  The first woman, who was probably the largest lady I’ve ever seen, said she’d lost 10st – good for her, I thought!  But she went on in tones of aggrievement that since she’d had a hysterectomy, she’d not lost a lb, she then got quite aggressive about not being told about this, not seeing the same person every time she came and she “wanted some answers”.  Lady 2 said she had no complaints about the medical team – then went on to say that she still eats McDonaldses (I hear “McDonaldses” quite a lot and it’s irritating beyond belief).  Oh yes, said lady 1, in tones of ‘well, duh’, she still ate McDonalds too, of course.  Then lady 2 went on to say that she hadn’t followed the advice post-op (you’re supposed to be on liquid for a week, then puree for 1-2 weeks, then mushy food for 1-2 weeks).  Oh no, she said, who’s going to puree a roast dinner?  She isn’t a baby, why would she eat puree.  Lady 1: “Do you like fish?”, Lady 2: “Yeah, in batter”.  Those women have stopped or delayed people who might have taken it all a bit more seriously – it’s an abuse of privilege.  I feel really sorry for the medical team lady 1 was clearly going to tear a strip off too, she clearly didn’t feel she should have to do anything.

Anyway, I shall, I guess, pootle along the process but there are several thing that, I think, is likely to mean it is not to be.  First is the wait: I know that nothing is likely to have changed before then (I wish I felt otherwise) except feeling more desperate – and I’m not sure how much more desperate I can feel without imploding.  Second is the actual process – the team carried out around just over 160 of each of the two other types of surgery but only 3 bands.  This makes me nervous both in terms of familiarity with that op but also in being steered strongly towards the more radical types of surgery.  Thirdly, the ongoing maintenance would be an issue.  And I think this touches on point two.  The sleeve and the bypass are both longer ops with more recovery time but little is required in terms of ongoing care.  With the band, you have to have it filled up a bit (or unfilled) – a process that initially takes quite a bit of fiddling to get right and thereafter probably monthly to 6 weekly adjustments.  So more labour intensive from a medical perspective.  And of course, it’s difficult to get an appointment and it will invariably be at tricky times of the day.

I had read about a company that offers it privately.  They have good reviews, they do a lot of bands so the expertise is kept constantly up-to-date, they do the op in 45 mins and you can go home that day as long as there are no complications and I could go for fills after work or on a Saturday (I believe).  But of course it depends how much it costs.  I suspect (and it’s kind of an educated guess) it’s about £8k.  This is a lot.  I would have to get a loan to pay back over 5 years.  But at this stage, I don’t know what else to do.  I will go for a consultation I guess and see how I feel after that.  It’s hard to think when a ‘good time’ is for doing this too, not too close to when we go on holiday in mid September and I think I would be very sad to do it so I was on mush at Christmas.  Meagre portions I am absolutely resigned too, but sitting at a table with a bowl of mush whilst other people enjoyed Christmas lunch, would be very hard.  And tricky to manage on the secrecy front too.