In which I cross my fingers and take a deep breath

As I ‘trailed’ on  Monday, I want to come back to this point about ‘how do you know it will actually work and you lose weight’?  It was a good point Seren made, and I have been worrying about this myself.  The consultant on Monday eventually admitted that there was a number of people for whom the operation didn’t work – she was talking here about the more dramatic surgery.  I’d queried it as she had said you need to follow the diet and exercise a lot (not exactly revolutionary advice, admittedly).  You may (or may not – it was a long time ago) remember my year of running (on the Couch to 5k programme) which yielded no weight loss.  Ditto my couple of years cycling in to work.  She reckoned there were people who surgery would not work for.  I’m assuming that most of these are people who (and she told me this) liquidise a McDonalds meal or just eat ice cream as it’s easy to slide through the physical restrictions.  But even so, that means that there may be people for whom this just didn’t work through no fault of their own.

Obviously it’s a really worrying thought.  Especially since my track record is so pathetically poor.  Can you imagine spending all that money (including our joint money – by which I really mean mostly P’s money), being cut open and still not succeeding?  I would be beside myself with misery and guilt.  Even the thought of it makes me feel anxious.  So I need tomake it work.  Lesley said I sounded hopeful: well, tbh, despite giving myself a VERY stern talking to, every time I start a new diet, I do get hopeful. Every.  Flipping.  Time.  Varying degrees of hope of course, but it’s idiotic of me in any case, given my record.  The thing I’m clinging to here is that I DID lose weight on Lighterlife – admittedly the minimum they said that anyone would lose, but I did – in that 100 days I lost 3 stone.  I’m hoping that this (band) – which is of course another portion restriction – will work.  After the initial spurt of loss (which would be a great motivator), I am resigned to 1-2lbs a week (actually, 2lb would be wonderful) with some STS along the way – even the odd week with a small gain if it’s been a birthday (his or mine), holiday or Christmas.  If it takes 2 years, I don’t care (well, I do a bit) because eventually I’ll get ‘there’.  ‘There’ is defined as the top of the healthy BMI.  That’s the ideal.  But I’d be delighted to be in the stone bracket above that and pretty happy with the one above that.

And apart from the sliced and diced thing, I think it will be easier than LL – I’ll be less hungry and I’ll be able to eat (healthy) real food instead of rank packets of highly synthetic flavoured dust.  I wasn’t fond of milkshakes before, now I can’t face one ever again.  And that was the good packs – the bars!  Ugh, the bars.  I was starving and I still spat it out.  Anyway, I believe for post-surgery they recommend a high protein diet – which suits me.  And I really like salad and vegetables anyway.  I simply have to succeed – because if not, where do I go from here?  There’s no way I could fork out for more surgery – and P is dead against me having the more radical options.  I see his point.  I guess, despite everything, I’m not ready to give up – the very thought of it makes me feel panicky.

Please cross your fingers for me.