I have no levity to offer. My heart feels heavy. It could be worse: the scenario in which P might have stage 4 cancer has, I believe, been discounted. And I am thrilled about that. Of course I am. But it’s buried under a whole lot of anxiety and stress and unhappiness. They said it would be a hospital stay of 4-7 days. Of course he thought that meant 4. I tried not to get my hopes up and tried to assume 7. It’s been nearly a fortnight and he won’t be home this week. It’s one thing after another. He had to have a deep line put in to the major vein (? I have zero science brain. Nor many others) to get some nutrients into him. It’s a dicey business, making sure there’s no risk of infection being plunged in right there. Now they’ve decided that the op let some fluid into his lungs - he’s been really breathless, with white lips, which has scared me. So another deep line inserted under X-ray to drain that. At the end of last week they were casually talking about a further op - I think this is currently off the table.
I hadn’t realised how much I was holding on to a trip booked for the end of this month to Devon and w. It was a (significant) birthday present from me to him. It’s all booked, we were looking forward to it. And I suppose I was hoping it would be the point where we looked back at all this... this shit, and put it firmly in the past. I have to cancel it. It’s not (just) the losing money, it’s what it symbolised. I won’t get the flight money back. And one of the two hotels give only 25% back. I’m not sure about Fifteen. Or the vineyard tour. I wondered whether we could rebook for the end of June. P thinks June is too soon and said November. To be fair, we have a holiday booked for September/October. November is no good. It would have to be next year. I don’t think the hotel will go for that.
My life is work until lunchtime, get to the hospital for visiting time, leave at the end of it. I get home 9.15 - 9.30pm mostly. And then it’s shower, eat, get stuff ready for the next day. It’s always a late night - but I don’t sleep well anyway.
So, at the moment everything feels very bleak. It could be a hell of a lot worse. But it’s still pretty miserable. It will pass, I know.
2 comments:
sending lots of love and positive thoughts. And REALLY hoping the hotels etc can be moved with a doctors letter xxx
Don’t sell what you’re going through short by saying that it could be worse. It sounds hellish for both of you. Hopefully all this will be over soon. Agree with Badger, def worth asking for some sort of letter from the hospital to see if stuff can be moved around. It would be a pretty low move to refuse in these circumstances whatever the t&cs say.
Sx
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