Minimoon

Well.  It’s been a while.  Easter caught up with me.  Hope yours were all full of chicks, bunnies and lambs – chocolate ones, live fluffy ones, dead meaty ones, according to your preference, dear Reader.

I have been extremely cautious in my chocolate – and all else – consumption.  I suspect that even with this caution, I won’t get a loss this week.  I can’t quite reconcile myself to it but I know I had chocolate and wine – and a 12 miler and 6 miler hikes in Suffolk and a 45 min urban yomp yesterday aren’t going to make any difference.  Even though I found pretty much every step of the 12 miler hard (just was too sluggish) and the last couple of miles were the triumph of dogged determination over ability to continue.  Actually, I never find that exercise has much impact on my weight, sadly. 

It’s a shame that I’m unlikely to get ‘positive endorsement’ from SoD as I’m stuck in one of my spirals of self-loathing at the moment and I could do with something to pick me up a bit.  Not to sound overly dramatic as I know I’ll bump along rock bottom for a bit and then slowly pick myself up again.  The downward plummet is always hard and fast – the recovery is stultifyingly gradual.  I try to distract myself with things like sunshine and spring flowers (the tulips on my balcony have flowered!  I usually have the black gardening thumb of death) but it all only goes so far tbh.

Last week I lost 1.5lbs.  I had hoped the honeymoon period would last longer.  And then I was hit with the horrifying thought: what if this IS the honeymoon period?  What if my losses trickle to the barely perceptible?  This is, after all, my modus operandi.  I’m trying not to play the numbers game (you know: if I lose at xlbs per week, I’ll be y by z) and accept this is going to take a long time whilst it’s happening – but that I’ll look back on it and it won’t feel so long and just keep plodding away.  But even if they’re baby steps, they do need to be in the right direction overall.  Trying not to think about this (or indeed hyper-ventilate thinking about this) until I’ve got a bit more data to work with.  And breathe.

Truth to tell: it IS a positive thing to fix your eyes on the horizon.  We hope to go to Canada in September and it would be SO GOOD to be more comfortable in the plane seats than I would now – space is at such a premium on flights even for the short of leg like myself.  And I think (oh god, here I am DOING THAT VERY (x=y=z) THING) that I could be the same sort of size and weight that I was on my honeymoon and I know I have some nice shirts that would fit then that I could wear with jeans.  That sort of thing helps a bit.  There is no way I could be slim – or even plump – by then, but I could be less fat.  And less fat = more happy for sure.  For me, anyway.