Still here

I’m back.  And why?  Well, two reasons: firstly, because I really want to lose some weight (more of this later) and secondly because sometimes when I feel I can’t bear it, I wish there was some kind of anonymous way to offload – well, some of you know me, but it’s still pretty anonymous.  And I figure that this is likely screaming into the wind (metaphorically) as there has only been (metaphorical) tumbleweed for almost a year.

 

A quick update on the screaming front.  I’ve got to say that some days I think it’s awful – and then I remember it’s only going to get worse.  I’m not sure whether that’s depressing or comforting – maybe a bit of both.  P is still having chemo every fortnight – he’s cheerful and phlegmatic mostly, but I know when he gets tetchy that he’s in pain.  He’s lucky that he’s never been sick after it – which I gather is very common – but his mouth fills with lines of ulcers that make eating extremely painful, and even talking hurts.  When he’s like this, he can only manage mush and that’s with grim determination.  Apparently cleaning his teeth is the most painful thing.  The last couple of cycles of chemo, he’s not recovered and it’s time for the next one.  He has had to delay going a couple of times – 3 weeks seems to give him a few days of feeling much better.  But he’s just had a scan (always an anxious time for me to wait for the result) – then we were told the oncologist was ringing.  It was out of the usual schedule – even P thought it was likely to be bad news.  I felt sick with anxiety.  Then she didn’t call.  So who knows what’s going on.  Another telephone appointment has been made for Tuesday so we may know more then (assuming it happens).

 

And on the weight front.  Well, it’s been going on steadily.  A stone since last summer and it had been creeping up before that.  Although still (so far – touch wood) a stone away from my heaviest.  I knew from the last time I did this, that as long as I ate 1000 – 1100 calories a day, it comes off reasonably steadily.  I have to say, that I am hungry a lot of the time doing this, but it does seem to work.  Even if I get on the scales and don’t see much or any shift, I can have faith that it will.  That sort of peace of mind makes facing the scales less fraught.  But.  I’ve been back on this regime for 10 days and have lost – nothing.  A tiny bit down (1/4 lb) and tiny bit up – but overall the same.  I’m going to keep going as I simply cannot see that this can’t work.  But I am starting to feel a bit of panic creeping in.

 

I also need to factor in being able to do some nice things with P.  Like everyone, we’ve barely been out for a year and when you don’t know how much time you have, it feels like such a waste.  Obviously he can’t always eat and then I cut right back – and during the week I’m very strict in any case, but weekends when he feels well enough to be able to enjoy food (his taste buds also go during much of the cycle) I want to be able to share a nice meal.  And in a couple of months, I want to be able to go out for dinner.  Still, we’ll see where we are then – planning too far ahead is a luxury we don’t have any more.  I wanted to book the Newt in Somerset, for example, but you have to pay up and if you cancel – either through personal circumstances or coronavirus, you don’t get your money back, they just say you can rebook.  The first time they have two nights free is in October – P was given an average life span that only takes us to the summer.  I hope we’ve got longer – obviously – and he seems more well than I thought he might be by this stage, but there’s no way I can gamble money on a reservation in October.