I’ve not been here for so long that I am pretty sure no-one checks in – quite naturally. But I feel like I need a last post (probably) to conclude the story, as it were. I don’t know about you, but I love a HEA (happily ever after) – in books and in real life. Although real life is obviously more problematic.
And there is no HEA for me. Last November, the hospital was a little uneasy at P’s scan but if there was something there, it was too small to see. Rescan. Valentine’s Day we were back – there were tumours which have grown back and increased in all sections of his liver. More aggressive chemo to try and reduce and shrink the tumours to the level that would make an operation possible. Not only did they have to go, they had to stay gone, unlike what happened after the chemo stopped last summer.
We thought the chemo would be less severe this time: last time he was weak from the operation and being in hospital for such a long time. It was worse. He had very unpleasant side effects, the worst was a mouthful of such painful ulcers that eating was a misery. Not to mention that it killed his taste buds. His hair mostly came out (which he says he doesn’t care about, but my heart aches for him). He’s aged 10 years in the last couple of years. My stepson sent me a photo of them a couple of years’ ago that was actually painful to look at, the difference is so marked.
Two weeks ago, we were told the chemo had not worked, other than that the tumours appeared no worse. It is now terminal. If he carried on with chemo he has an average life expectancy of 14-15 months, otherwise it was 3-4 months. He will go back on to the chemo, albeit tweaked a little to try and lessen the side effects. He is determined that he will beat the average – and a lot of well-meaning friends have come to tell them that they’ve ‘heard of someone’ who lived 10 years. I thought that his comparative youth would be a factor in his favour, but his oncologist said no, it’s down to the tumours. He has six.
My life changed absolutely on that day. Whilst I will try to ensure we have as many happy times as possible for as long as he’s well enough, I know I will never be happy again, that my last happy day was already behind me, and I hadn’t even realised at the time. It’s not the future we planned (obviously) – and I’ve lost that too. My whole life is ending – and yet, I’ll be here to feel that depth of pain. I am a coward – I can’t face it and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. People are kind and they ask what they can do, but the truth is there’s nothing. The future is terrifying and bleak. And that’s the ending of my story.
8 comments:
Yes, you still have an audience here. I've followed you for ages - partly because I love your writing style - and so keep an eye out for updates. I don't have much to add as a rule, so don't comment often, despite appreciating your output.
This is clearly the most appalling news for you both, and I wish you nothing but strength in the times that you both have ahead.
Please don't stop posting (even if you keep it private), as I'm sure that for the same reasons that you started this blog - to set your thoughts out, and for support - hold true in this situation too. More so, I think.
Without liking to sound like a FB meme, this is a difficult road - for you both more than most at the moment - let the compassion of strangers help you.
Ah honey. I have just come back to blogging so I haven't been reading but came back on to catch up. In my head you and P were happy as Larry having beaten that awful disease and now I find that this is not the case. I am so so sorry to hear this dreadful news.
I know what you think you mean when you say that your happy days are over but I strongly think you should rethink that. Otherwise what is the point of P fighting to beat the average if, whatever he does, you will not be happy? I don't mean to be horrid but happiness and joy can be found EVERYWHERE and you need to be looking extra hard for it at this time.
I also think you should look into therapy to help you as this cancer is not only affecting P. You need help too.
Anyway, after the tough love, the pep talk. You are NOT a coward and you ARE stronh. You WILL be happy again and I truly hope that you and P enjoy many more months and years together. Please don't say that this is the end of the story. Lxxx
I check in and am so sorry to hear your news about this.
Whilst you have a long road ahead, I know you can eventually turn this into something positive. You deserve to be happy again.
Please keep posting. We'll be here with words of encouragement - it might be a good source of venting for you.
I also second the therapy idea - I'm a true believer in this.
Sending big big hugs and light during these darker days. Don't forget to look after yourself too - P is going to need you to be on form to hold his hand. Take everyone up on their kind offers to help too. xxxx
I have no words, this is such sad news. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers xxxx
I often look out for Your updates and am so sad and sorry to read this. I am sending you both strength and courage and hope. Please, if it would help, keep sharing and know that there are people whom you have never met who care about you
I’ve read this for years and I’m sorry it has ended like this. X
I check in, and have done for years. I’m so dreadfully sorry to read this. Life is so cruel and so bloody unfair. I hope you do post again, whenever It is or whatever it’s about. I hope you consider therapy. And I know it feels impossible, but you will feel happiness again in time, even if you don’t believe it. Hugs and sympathy from an internet stranger x
I'm so sorry to hear this and can only echo everything said more eloquently by your commenters above. Thank you so much for all the blog posts you've ever written. Please be kind to yourself in the weeks and months and years to come and know that we all wish you much happiness in your future xx
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