Well, after your praise and admiration that I’d lost nearly 4.5 st, I have lost the plot entirely and put a stone of that back on. It seems that anxiety is a HUGE trigger for me (no pun intended, although…). When I was lost in the exhausting treadmill of work/hospital/(briefly)home (rinse, repeat), I don’t recall being massively hungry – I really only ate marmite on toast for dinner for almost every day that month and maybe a snack at the hospital by P’s bed.
Now, though, the eating is out of control. I’m constantly hungry, constantly greedy and always thinking about what I can eat next. I’m also intensely anxious – and that is still increasing. Next week we ‘hope’ (if hope is the right word) to hear whether the ‘stormtrooper chemo’ has worked, has worked enough to shrink the tumours and that the tumours have shrunk enough that if removed, there would be enough liver left to perform its function. Every day I feel more anxious about this – it actually feels like someone is turning some kind of key, tightening my anxiety. I am simultaneously desperate to know and terrified of knowing. I have (probably) a week to wait – maybe more. They seem to think if they don’t make the purpose of the appointments explicit, you a) won’t realise and therefore won’t be worrying and b) you can’t hold them to anything. I can always worry. I was good at worrying before – now I am truly world class at worrying. But he has a scan tomorrow, ahead of the final dose of chemo next week and another scan on that day.
If the tumours have shrunk, I imagine they’ll want him in to operate on pretty sharpish, in case they start growing again.
I feel sick (and not just because of the amount of rubbish I’m eating) and constantly on the edge of tears. At night I lie awake, not even really able to think clearly, just with a whirlwind of impressions going through my head.
P is impressively sanguine. He has determined that it will all go well and seems to be able to just exclude any other possibility from his mind. I don’t want to confess how much weaker and more scared I am as I don’t want to give him the burden of dealing with me, as well as whatever he may face next week. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep it up, mind.
And really, the eating lots of rubbish thing is not helping with the feeling that I’m careering, out of control, in some terrifying analogous car. And yet, I’m finding it very difficult to stop.
3 comments:
Oh, so much to talk about here and really all I want to do is express a hug in the medium of blog comment!
I think, in your circumstances, it is ok to be eating to cope. I think in the eye of the storm, whatever gets you through is ok. I think that we can talk all we want about healthy coping mechanisms and self care rituals but sometimes it is just about surviving and dragging yourself through. Eating is a distraction in these circumstances, and a reminder of physical pleasure to take you out of emotional pain. Be very kind to yourself and don’t worry about the weight gain. It’s a battle scar and one you can deal with further down the line.
Don’t compare your feelings to P’s and don’t feel bad about being “weaker”’ than him. You’re not weaker. You’re dealing with a different situation. Watching someone you love suffer and having to cope with the possibility of losing them is different to being the one in the bed. But also, don’t apologise for your emotional reactions. It’s ok to be anxious as opposed to sanguine. Both are perfectly valid ways to be.
I hope, I pray for good news next week. Everything, EVERYTHING crossed.
Sx
Yes - big hugs too.
Just concentrate on the things you can control. It doesn't have to be eating right now, you can work on controlling that later. And if it's stressing you out, write down a list of the things that have worked in helping to control it before.
For the things you can control, make a conscious effort to do them as often as time permits. Whether it be a call to a friend, a brisk stroll, reading a couple of pages of a book at night, a tv programme...whatever works for you.
xxxxxx
Hi honey. Thanks for your lovely comments. I had lost track of blogging on my phone but not forgotten.
Now, what you're going through is bigger than normal stuff so normal rules don't apply. I'm not saying that bingeing will help either but do not bear yourself up for eating more than you think you should! Love to you and P. Lxx
Post a Comment