I’ve been thinking about words recently.
As you may know, I have this ‘thing’ where I
feel I’m so repulsive looking that people shouldn’t have to look at me. Then, for the book club I run at work, we
read Wonder by R J Palacio. It was an
endorsement of the very existence of a book club: something I would never have
read but really enjoyed. The main
character, August, has a very severe facial disfigurement and the book is about how
people react to him as he attends school for the first time. It made me realise that being fat and ugly is
really not so bad, compared to what some people experience. I wouldn’t say I feel better about myself, but
I do feel more humble and as if I should shut up already. If you’ve not read Wonder, I recommend it.
And then that got me thinking about the words
we use to young girls especially. I have
three nieces and I’m aware that I’m always calling them beautiful (which they
are) but as if that’s the only thing that matters.
It’s so easy to say ‘hello beautiful’: you wouldn’t say ‘hello nice’ or
‘hello kind’, would you? I don’t want them to grow
up thinking that beauty is the only thing that matters. In fact, I was a little sharp with my brother
the other day when he said to niece no3 ‘don’t go thinking that being so blonde
and beautiful will always work getting you through life’ in tones which
strongly implied it would. I said ‘but
as she’s sweet natured and kind, that might just do it’. Niece one is thoughtful, empathetic and hard
working, niece two is feisty, clever and strong minded and niece three is sweet
natured and generous. You can’t throw
those descriptors around in the same way, can you?
6 comments:
I suspect that in the current culture it is practically impossible for girls to grow up completely oblivious to the impact of female appearance. It's unrelenting. The media judges women for being too fat, too thin, for wearing too much make up, for wearing too little make up, for being too sexual, for not making enough effort...you can't win. It would be nice to think that one day women will be more valued for their intelligence or their creativity than the arrangement of their features but until women themselves start to believe it, then why should men? And I say that as someone with (objectively speaking) plenty of positive attributes that I would swap in a heartbeat for a size 10 figure and a pretty face.
Sx
Goodness knows, but it is something I think about a lot. In recent years though I've kind of come to the conclusion that looks in some both are and aren't important. Being beautiful is ridiculously over-valued, there's a lot of pressure on women to look a certain way, and it confers unfair advantages. But I also feel like unless someone is somehow terribly disfigured, not being beautiful isn't actually a disadvantage. My self consciousness has really held me back a lot, but people can be confident, loved, popular, successful and fulfilled, without being conventionally attractive. I wish I'd had more faith in that.
This is something I ponder a lot. I call my girls beautiful, because they are, but they think I am beautiful too. I dread the day they start to see themselves with the same critical eyes I judge myself with. But I compliment them on their other great qualities too, how fast they can run, how far they can jump, how imaginative their stories are, how hard they try at things. I try and make sure they have books with interesting characters as well as all their Disney Princesses and fairies. They love the Studio Ghibli films like Kiki's Delivery Service and My Neighbour Tortoro ax well as Frozen and Cinderella. There is no one in my daughters lives that they live who are in the "healthy" BMI range - we are all obese. So we go swimming, even though I feel like a lump in amongst all the yummy mummy's, and we go for long walks (which I do enjoy) and we talk about a balanced diet and the importance of moderation. I don't allow diet talk in front of them, we don't fat shame or skinny shame people we see around or on telly, and I keep my fingers crossed that I give them enough balance and enough self esteem that they will be resilient against all the world will throw at them.
You're an amazing mother Curlygirl - your daughters are so lucky to have a mum like you x
I agree Curlygirl - that sounds like a wonderful environment in which to grow up. You should be very proud.
Thank you for your nice comments! Xx
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