Thanks for the support. Bloody dieting, why isn't it as easy as the women's mags would have you believe? You know, you stop eating McDonalds for breakfast and lunch and a huge takeaway for supper and give up your daily bars of chocolate and crisps and hey presto, a mere few months later you're a grinning size 10. Hmm.
Clearly that is not and never has been me. I eat pretty frugally and get miserly results - if anything. But given that the option is to carry on carrying on or to eat everything in sight and end up as a Channel 4 documentary narrated by a dour Geordie, carrying on it is.
Not that I've weighed myself recently, nor can I feel any discernable change in my clothes. In fact I went shopping for a dress to wear to a friend's wedding in a couple of weeks and couldn't find a dress in Coast to fit me. It was not a nice experience as I'd seen one I'd entertained vague hopes for and I could not find the heart to try anywhere else - I slunk home feeling very sorry for myself. And what's even more annoying is that I have the savagely sized Vivien of Holloway one which would be perfect but is now too small. I'm starting to get very nervous about finding suitable clothes for the liner. I keep counting up on my fingers how many weeks and wondering how much I could lose. Which is absurd as I don't think I'm achieving anything at the moment. But you know how it goes as you bargin with the god of maths (who is in collusion with the god of diets).
Still, as that irritating little man said (loftily), there are rules of physics and several studies which show that if I'm doing what I said I am, I must therefore lose weight. Grrrr.
Funnily enough, I am worried I eat too much on my non-starve days so that's a place to cut down (Seren, I know you sweetly suggested the contrary). I'm still being exemplary on starve days - hold the gold star, just give me some lardage off please. I do use fitness pal so I know absolutely that I come in under the 500 calorie mark on starve days. I try to do 3 of these a week but occasionally it's 2. Today P asked me not to do a starve day as I'm ill - if ever there were a get out of jail card! I appreciate his concern but it's starve all the way today. I can't afford any wavering or deviation if I'm to fully enjoy my honeymoon. Okay, realistically I know that I'll still be - and feel - fat but I'd like at least to fit into the few dresses I have rather than running round like a lunatic at the last minute and buying stuff I hate and that makes me feel bad. It's a loose plan. It's the best I can do at the moment.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Fat and fiction
I’m
tired. Tired of being fat. Tired of putting in this level of effort and
feeling like I’ve been punched every time I get on the scales. Tired of worrying about social occasions
which should be fun but seem traumatic because I cannot work out how to look
nice, what to buy and wear. Tired of
shopping trips where having to look at myself in the mirror makes me wince and
leaves me demoralised. Tired of not
getting the most out of life because I’m perpetually dieting or worrying about
dieting (usually both).
I put on two stone from mid November to post Christmas. Since then I’ve been dieting hard. Last time I weighed myself I had lost 2lbs – it was over a 10 day period but I was encouraged. Until I weighed myself this morning after another 10 days and found I’d put 1.5lbs of that back on. I’ve not been this fat for ages; nothing fits and I absolutely hate myself. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious 2 stone lighter but now it’s almost unbearable. And it feels like there’s nothing I can do.
I was initially quite pleased that I was going to see my metabolic specialist this morning. He’s lovely and I thought at the very least, I could find out whether he thought this intermittent fasting was likely to be a good thing. I’ve worked on the premise that it keeps my rotten metabolism guessing – and since that’s what we have agreed the problem is, it ought to work for me.
But he wasn’t there; instead I saw one of his colleagues. I’m sure he was a nice man but he had no empathy at all and left me feeling absolutely wretched. Essentially he told me that there was nothing wrong with my metabolism, in fact fat people’s metabolisms were higher (I know this is the norm, I am not that norm). He told me that “the laws of physics” meant that if I dieted I would lose weight. He suggested that I am either lying about what I eat or eating without knowing (presumably in my sleep). I know this is wrong but it makes me feel belittled. He suggested a few things, all of which I’ve tried in the past with no success. I can’t realistically see why I’d get a different outcome from the same set of circumstances. But he thought intermittent fasting was quite a good idea. So that’s something I suppose. He’s also suggested Orlistat – again, I’ve tried this (with unpleasant side effects) and it didn’t do anything. I wanted to leave and go home, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. Instead I came into work like a good girl (I’m SO tired of that too) and am trying not to cry here. I also wanted to eat – out of misery and fury – but I’m on a starve day and am sticking to it.
My overwhelming feeling – apart from tiredness – is fear. I know I cannot be happy looking like this; I can’t be happy fat – but if I can’t be slimish, does that mean I can never be happy? I don’t think I can.
I put on two stone from mid November to post Christmas. Since then I’ve been dieting hard. Last time I weighed myself I had lost 2lbs – it was over a 10 day period but I was encouraged. Until I weighed myself this morning after another 10 days and found I’d put 1.5lbs of that back on. I’ve not been this fat for ages; nothing fits and I absolutely hate myself. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious 2 stone lighter but now it’s almost unbearable. And it feels like there’s nothing I can do.
I was initially quite pleased that I was going to see my metabolic specialist this morning. He’s lovely and I thought at the very least, I could find out whether he thought this intermittent fasting was likely to be a good thing. I’ve worked on the premise that it keeps my rotten metabolism guessing – and since that’s what we have agreed the problem is, it ought to work for me.
But he wasn’t there; instead I saw one of his colleagues. I’m sure he was a nice man but he had no empathy at all and left me feeling absolutely wretched. Essentially he told me that there was nothing wrong with my metabolism, in fact fat people’s metabolisms were higher (I know this is the norm, I am not that norm). He told me that “the laws of physics” meant that if I dieted I would lose weight. He suggested that I am either lying about what I eat or eating without knowing (presumably in my sleep). I know this is wrong but it makes me feel belittled. He suggested a few things, all of which I’ve tried in the past with no success. I can’t realistically see why I’d get a different outcome from the same set of circumstances. But he thought intermittent fasting was quite a good idea. So that’s something I suppose. He’s also suggested Orlistat – again, I’ve tried this (with unpleasant side effects) and it didn’t do anything. I wanted to leave and go home, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. Instead I came into work like a good girl (I’m SO tired of that too) and am trying not to cry here. I also wanted to eat – out of misery and fury – but I’m on a starve day and am sticking to it.
My overwhelming feeling – apart from tiredness – is fear. I know I cannot be happy looking like this; I can’t be happy fat – but if I can’t be slimish, does that mean I can never be happy? I don’t think I can.
Friday, 1 March 2013
The 500
I have had three very successful (and tough) stave days this week and two moderate days - so a big tick for me. Now just the slightly more hedonistic weekend days to come - hurrah!
I've done some more research and it seems to be recommended to leave a longer period of fasting - I've decided to go from dinner on a normal day to lunch the following day and then both lunch and dinner (and anything else) needs to add up to no more than 500 calories. It's no picnic. Because no self-respecting picnic would come in on so few calories. And, dear Reader, because it's not a great deal of fun. But it's bearable and do-able and if I can add succcessful to that, I will be content and stoic. I kind of feel it ought to work since it operates by tricking my metabolism into perpetual uncertainty. Let's face it: my metabolism is my enemy. If it weren't so slothful I would say it's tricksy
Of course the proof of the virtual pudding is in the er, weighing. No, I've not done that yet. I keep trying to convince myself that my clothes feel looser. Not well-fitting, or - nirvana - loose but maybe looser. Maybe. I really need to brave SoD tomorrow.
It's been a long week workwise too. A lot of work and not enough time to do it in. And that second interview - in which I still didn't determine whether I want the job or not. Still, that may not be a decision I have to make!
I've done some more research and it seems to be recommended to leave a longer period of fasting - I've decided to go from dinner on a normal day to lunch the following day and then both lunch and dinner (and anything else) needs to add up to no more than 500 calories. It's no picnic. Because no self-respecting picnic would come in on so few calories. And, dear Reader, because it's not a great deal of fun. But it's bearable and do-able and if I can add succcessful to that, I will be content and stoic. I kind of feel it ought to work since it operates by tricking my metabolism into perpetual uncertainty. Let's face it: my metabolism is my enemy. If it weren't so slothful I would say it's tricksy
Of course the proof of the virtual pudding is in the er, weighing. No, I've not done that yet. I keep trying to convince myself that my clothes feel looser. Not well-fitting, or - nirvana - loose but maybe looser. Maybe. I really need to brave SoD tomorrow.
It's been a long week workwise too. A lot of work and not enough time to do it in. And that second interview - in which I still didn't determine whether I want the job or not. Still, that may not be a decision I have to make!
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
No jacket required
So
the weekend before last saw me taking deep breaths of (of polluted air) on
Oxford Street where I’d gone to try and buy a jacket for my interview. I could literally feel the panic rising – a pressurised
shopping trip is never my idea of fun.
But I had 4 hours, a sense of determination, a rough idea and an array
of shops – it was all going to be fine, right?
Wrong. Despite shopping til my feet bled (okay, ached) I found precisely 1 jacket which fitted me and it was over budget and didn’t go with anything I owned. I glumly conclude that I must be an even more odd shape than I had realised. Almost all of them were too big on the shoulder and too tight on the hip. Now, I once had one of those expert sessions where they measure everything (not quite in between your nostrils as Harry Potter did for his wand but pretty much everywhere else) and analyse the data and tell you your body shape. I turned out to be hourglass (obviously the supersized hourglass – don’t run away with the pleasant thought of me as some bombshell). But my jacket experience suggested that I was more like a pear. Or a Weeble if you remember those:
It
was a depressing experience. I met P for
lunch afterwards (Turkish – yum. And yes
I practised my Turkish on a very tolerant waitress. Who was probably from Peckham) and he looked
alarmed: “But what are you going to WEAR?”.
I told him that if they didn’t want me just because I didn’t wear a
jacket, I didn’t want them either. Such
bravado. And I wore very smart knitwear
with my skirt. Moreover, dear Reader, I’ve
been asked back for a second interview (at which I will not be wearing a
jacket). I’m not sure if I want the job
but I clearly didn’t put them off by not wearing a jacket.
Wrong. Despite shopping til my feet bled (okay, ached) I found precisely 1 jacket which fitted me and it was over budget and didn’t go with anything I owned. I glumly conclude that I must be an even more odd shape than I had realised. Almost all of them were too big on the shoulder and too tight on the hip. Now, I once had one of those expert sessions where they measure everything (not quite in between your nostrils as Harry Potter did for his wand but pretty much everywhere else) and analyse the data and tell you your body shape. I turned out to be hourglass (obviously the supersized hourglass – don’t run away with the pleasant thought of me as some bombshell). But my jacket experience suggested that I was more like a pear. Or a Weeble if you remember those:
Although
clearly I would NEVER wear pink. (I hate
pink).
Friday, 22 February 2013
Diet (con)fusion
So,
dear Reader, let’s get this out of the way first: I put on 2lbs. Yes, I’m heading in the wrong direction
fast. It’s not going well and I’m trying
not to panic but to get a (preferably foolproof) strategy.
Over the weekend I decided that maybe the problem was that the ‘starvation’ days were just not, well, starvy enough. I had a look at the serialisation in the Sunday Times and decided to use their recipes. A starvation day is around 500calories and I was working from the Cancer Relief milk-based diet which came in too high I think. So I had my two starvation days on Sunday and Tuesday. Tuesday this was my menu:
Breakfast – a pureed Bramley apple with 100g of plain Greek yoghurt
Lunch – a salad of leaves, beans, peas, tomato and cucumber with parma ham and some vinaigrette
Dinner – a clear spiced vegetable soup.
It was enjoyable – and I’d say I was less hungry going to bed than when I have a vegetable stir-fry although the soup didn’t look much.
Two problems.
One – I weighed this morning POST my two starvation days. Next week I would normally weigh on a Tuesday but will only have had one starvation day between now and then. So, I’m wary of a third bad result.
Two – I think maybe I’m making things complicated by trying to adhere to two sets of diet rules simultaneously. The thing is that the starvation diet is obviously about calorie restriction – there are mentions of low fat products, of artificial sweeteners. But I really do believe in the carb-free, paleo-light way of eating that I discovered alongside the Harcombe Diet and Dr John Briffa’s diet last year. Okay it’s not working for me in terms of weight loss but I feel tonnes healthier. Even though I’m tonnes heavier. Well, not quite but you know what I mean.
So I’m trying to stick to that principle – no Muller lights for me. It’s kind of doing my head in: having to recalculate. And then, because I’m a scaredy-cat with a maths affliction, I check it a few more times. And worry about it.
Still, I’ve ordered the Dr Michael Mosley book and I’m hoping to find a way to make this work for me. He advocates 2 starvation days but I’m hoping to do three, being as I’m not normal, or at least most weeks. Next week I want it to be Monday, Wednesday and Friday but Friday I am having a second interview so not sure this is the best day to be very hungry. He also suggests two meals of 250 calories but I would rather have three smaller meals so again, it’s going to take a bit of working out. I may just duplicate my menu above – although there were clearly errors there as they reckoned that two pureed apples, a 170g tub of 0% Total and a tsp of honey was 100 cals – and I reckon the apples alone hit that. This is what I mean about worrying.
Since Tuesday I haven’t eaten very well – in that I had 3 gin and diet tonics on Wednesday night, a glass of wine and a pizza (someone’s leaving do), last night I had 3 glasses of champagne and today I’ve eaten appallingly. Starvation days don’t balance out gorging days, only temperate ones. I need to give it a proper go and that means eating wisely but not too well on non-starve days.
This week I’ve mostly been in one stage or other of applying for new jobs. It’s not left me much time to blog and it’s definitely meant the sort of emotional turmoil that has encouraged lax eating. Next week isn’t looking good either but I have another post burning away at me and I do want to do better. I don’t have long til the honeymoon and we have a wedding at the beginning of April that I have no idea what I can wear to.
Over the weekend I decided that maybe the problem was that the ‘starvation’ days were just not, well, starvy enough. I had a look at the serialisation in the Sunday Times and decided to use their recipes. A starvation day is around 500calories and I was working from the Cancer Relief milk-based diet which came in too high I think. So I had my two starvation days on Sunday and Tuesday. Tuesday this was my menu:
Breakfast – a pureed Bramley apple with 100g of plain Greek yoghurt
Lunch – a salad of leaves, beans, peas, tomato and cucumber with parma ham and some vinaigrette
Dinner – a clear spiced vegetable soup.
It was enjoyable – and I’d say I was less hungry going to bed than when I have a vegetable stir-fry although the soup didn’t look much.
Two problems.
One – I weighed this morning POST my two starvation days. Next week I would normally weigh on a Tuesday but will only have had one starvation day between now and then. So, I’m wary of a third bad result.
Two – I think maybe I’m making things complicated by trying to adhere to two sets of diet rules simultaneously. The thing is that the starvation diet is obviously about calorie restriction – there are mentions of low fat products, of artificial sweeteners. But I really do believe in the carb-free, paleo-light way of eating that I discovered alongside the Harcombe Diet and Dr John Briffa’s diet last year. Okay it’s not working for me in terms of weight loss but I feel tonnes healthier. Even though I’m tonnes heavier. Well, not quite but you know what I mean.
So I’m trying to stick to that principle – no Muller lights for me. It’s kind of doing my head in: having to recalculate. And then, because I’m a scaredy-cat with a maths affliction, I check it a few more times. And worry about it.
Still, I’ve ordered the Dr Michael Mosley book and I’m hoping to find a way to make this work for me. He advocates 2 starvation days but I’m hoping to do three, being as I’m not normal, or at least most weeks. Next week I want it to be Monday, Wednesday and Friday but Friday I am having a second interview so not sure this is the best day to be very hungry. He also suggests two meals of 250 calories but I would rather have three smaller meals so again, it’s going to take a bit of working out. I may just duplicate my menu above – although there were clearly errors there as they reckoned that two pureed apples, a 170g tub of 0% Total and a tsp of honey was 100 cals – and I reckon the apples alone hit that. This is what I mean about worrying.
Since Tuesday I haven’t eaten very well – in that I had 3 gin and diet tonics on Wednesday night, a glass of wine and a pizza (someone’s leaving do), last night I had 3 glasses of champagne and today I’ve eaten appallingly. Starvation days don’t balance out gorging days, only temperate ones. I need to give it a proper go and that means eating wisely but not too well on non-starve days.
This week I’ve mostly been in one stage or other of applying for new jobs. It’s not left me much time to blog and it’s definitely meant the sort of emotional turmoil that has encouraged lax eating. Next week isn’t looking good either but I have another post burning away at me and I do want to do better. I don’t have long til the honeymoon and we have a wedding at the beginning of April that I have no idea what I can wear to.
Friday, 15 February 2013
The Incredible Sulk
Reader,
I have mostly spent this week sulking and eating. The two are very much connected. I fell off the wagon and I can’t even see it
in the distance any more.
I had a pretty strict week last week, some of the little lapses that had crept in were eliminated and my starvation days were really, really tough. So I reacted, ahem, badly to the Scales of Doom telling me that I’d put on 1 ½lbs. Really badly. Thursday was bad and Tuesday was very, very bad. Given that a good week results in a gain, it’s really quite frightening to think what SoD will say this Tuesday.
So I’m trying to claw my way back on today. I was pretty sensible last night so the line has been drawn. And today is a starvation day. It’s already tough after a surfeit of sugar yesterday and a joyless day ahead. And it’s made tougher by the fact that I’m not confident that this will work – I did the right things last week after all and I am actually fatter as a result. This week I have been more bad than good so I shudder to think what SoD is going to bitch-slap me with on Tuesday.
I don’t understand why it’s not coming off. But I will carry on, try to take it on the chin on Tuesday and try to have as good a week as possible next week and look for longer term trends rather than a knee-jerk response to one week where I throw:
a) Myself around
b) My metaphorical toys out of my pram
c) The baby out with the bathwater (ooh, I’m rich with absurd idioms today)
d) All the food down my gullet
Next week is going to be a real challenge though. I normally have starve days on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Next week however Wednesday night is the night for my friend’s leaving drinks and I’ve promised to bring in my triple lemon cake to line people’s stomachs and on Friday night we’re going out with friends to their much-lauded curry house. Neither of these work with starvation plans. I think I’m going to have to either do two consecutive days of starvation on Monday and Tuesday (not appealing) or do Monday and two partial starve days on Wednesday and Friday (not efficient). All of which would be more bearable if I thought that the following week might see my clothes looser and my pecker raised from the floor.
I had a pretty strict week last week, some of the little lapses that had crept in were eliminated and my starvation days were really, really tough. So I reacted, ahem, badly to the Scales of Doom telling me that I’d put on 1 ½lbs. Really badly. Thursday was bad and Tuesday was very, very bad. Given that a good week results in a gain, it’s really quite frightening to think what SoD will say this Tuesday.
So I’m trying to claw my way back on today. I was pretty sensible last night so the line has been drawn. And today is a starvation day. It’s already tough after a surfeit of sugar yesterday and a joyless day ahead. And it’s made tougher by the fact that I’m not confident that this will work – I did the right things last week after all and I am actually fatter as a result. This week I have been more bad than good so I shudder to think what SoD is going to bitch-slap me with on Tuesday.
I don’t understand why it’s not coming off. But I will carry on, try to take it on the chin on Tuesday and try to have as good a week as possible next week and look for longer term trends rather than a knee-jerk response to one week where I throw:
a) Myself around
b) My metaphorical toys out of my pram
c) The baby out with the bathwater (ooh, I’m rich with absurd idioms today)
d) All the food down my gullet
Next week is going to be a real challenge though. I normally have starve days on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Next week however Wednesday night is the night for my friend’s leaving drinks and I’ve promised to bring in my triple lemon cake to line people’s stomachs and on Friday night we’re going out with friends to their much-lauded curry house. Neither of these work with starvation plans. I think I’m going to have to either do two consecutive days of starvation on Monday and Tuesday (not appealing) or do Monday and two partial starve days on Wednesday and Friday (not efficient). All of which would be more bearable if I thought that the following week might see my clothes looser and my pecker raised from the floor.
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Feast and famine
In the calmer discussion, P said that he suspected I would be on some diet for the rest of my life. Well of course I will! I've long come to terms with this and it hadn't really occurred to me that he would or could think otherwise. Or at any rate, I will have to carefully monitor what I eat for ever. But at the moment, weight loss seems a long way off.
You may remember, dear Reader, how I finally screwed up my courage and approached Scales of Doom: I was Very Fat.2lbs. I've been pretty good this week - not crazy but careful and at the least 95% super super-strict, so I thought I'd have a sneaky peek today since I know there are a couple of hurdles - aka sociable eating occasions - over the weekend and wanted a truer picture. I have put ON 1/2-1lb. I am mystified and battling not to be totally discouraged by this.
And I am not going to be as good next week. Today we're going to an interesting new bar which specialises in craft beer - P is learning (and by this I mean drinking!) about US beer ahead of our trip there. They also specialise in proper welsh rarebit - essentially they have an extremely limited menu of salt beef or cheese things with sourdough. I love a crazily focussed menu and am looking forward to my rarebit even whilst I fear the bread. Tossing up whether to have half a cider (artisanal natch) or whether that is a hedonistic step too far. Then tonight we have Chinese food from M&S to celebrate the Year of the Snake. Tomorrow I am baking mini cookies for a project (and will almost certainly want to try one), Tuesday is pancake day and Thursday is Valentines and I'm meeting a friend for lunch. We're eating at home on Valentines night but it will involve wine even if the menu is cunningly low carb. The following week is looking dicey too - will tell you more on a later post.
It's that age old dichotomy of trying to balance life and dieting. I do not want to look back at a joyless desert of a life where I turn down every opportunity in grim determination that dieting must rule all. Nor do I want to be fatter - or as fat. The middle path is not something I'm good at, plagued as I am by anxiety and fear and 'what ifs'. Todays' sneak peek with SoD doesn't help.
Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be starvation days nonetheless and tomorrow can be very low carb. I just hope that's enough to balance the pancakes and the wine. I should be steady enough in my resolve and confidence that what I'm doing will ultimately get me there - but I'm not.
You may remember, dear Reader, how I finally screwed up my courage and approached Scales of Doom: I was Very Fat.2lbs. I've been pretty good this week - not crazy but careful and at the least 95% super super-strict, so I thought I'd have a sneaky peek today since I know there are a couple of hurdles - aka sociable eating occasions - over the weekend and wanted a truer picture. I have put ON 1/2-1lb. I am mystified and battling not to be totally discouraged by this.
And I am not going to be as good next week. Today we're going to an interesting new bar which specialises in craft beer - P is learning (and by this I mean drinking!) about US beer ahead of our trip there. They also specialise in proper welsh rarebit - essentially they have an extremely limited menu of salt beef or cheese things with sourdough. I love a crazily focussed menu and am looking forward to my rarebit even whilst I fear the bread. Tossing up whether to have half a cider (artisanal natch) or whether that is a hedonistic step too far. Then tonight we have Chinese food from M&S to celebrate the Year of the Snake. Tomorrow I am baking mini cookies for a project (and will almost certainly want to try one), Tuesday is pancake day and Thursday is Valentines and I'm meeting a friend for lunch. We're eating at home on Valentines night but it will involve wine even if the menu is cunningly low carb. The following week is looking dicey too - will tell you more on a later post.
It's that age old dichotomy of trying to balance life and dieting. I do not want to look back at a joyless desert of a life where I turn down every opportunity in grim determination that dieting must rule all. Nor do I want to be fatter - or as fat. The middle path is not something I'm good at, plagued as I am by anxiety and fear and 'what ifs'. Todays' sneak peek with SoD doesn't help.
Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be starvation days nonetheless and tomorrow can be very low carb. I just hope that's enough to balance the pancakes and the wine. I should be steady enough in my resolve and confidence that what I'm doing will ultimately get me there - but I'm not.
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