She shoots! She....misses...

There, Lesley, bet you didn't know I was capable of a football analogy did you?

I was however not in knee socks and polyester shorts or a large diamond ear stud when I weighed myself, nor did I have a tonne of hair product on - the football analogy kind of stops with me missing my goal. Reader I am now Fat.1, not the Fat.0 I was aiming for, nor the Porky.13 I was hoping for as a result of my good behaviour and 24 miles of cycling. I lost a lb. Patently better than nothing of course. But to keep to my goals I'm going to have to lose 2lbs every week next month which I do not have much form for. And February has a few potential stumbling blocks I know of - and doubtless a few I don't - we're going to Suffolk to borrow a friend's house for a weekend mid Feb and although there will be walking, there will also be a meal out, then we're going to a friend's lunch party at the end of Feb and there's also Pancake Day (mmmm). Of course, in theory that 49 point buffer should protect me from all these eventualities as long as I'm careful, but I only used less than half last week and it didn't exactly help me with a good loss (and I earned quite a few - untouched - activity points).

There's a wedding show coming up that I'd quite like to go to but feel that I would be mocked and despised for being overweight - probably not overtly. I know that I wouldn't want to do business with anyone who was like that but it's still a scarring experience. Next year would be too late - but there's possibly one in the Autumn I could go to instead when I should (fingers crossed) be quite a bit lighter. It's just we could do with a few ideas now! Bf is getting in a bit of a tizz about money - I do agree up to a point and I certainly want this to be as lovely an experience as possible for both of us so I'm trying to really address and allay his fears.

Yesterday we went to see the venue that we both thought would be the one. Reader, it was freezing. Outside but inside too. The woman was rather sniffy about this and said that guests would clearly wrap up for the ceremony in the medieval hall - but what about me?! I'd like to wear a faux-fur wrap but it wouldn't be enough. And what of my bridesmaids? Especially my flower girl - poor thing. And it felt as if it were all about them and the money which put us off too. Nope, definitely not. We're going to see another venue next week which again, we both hope will work out - it's not as impressive a building from the outside but it's still a castle, it's cheaper and you supply your own booze (no corkage!) which means we could be more generous to our guests. We really want it to work out.

We also went for lunch at a dear little tearoom we've been to before. I used most of my points allocation on lunch and with my evening meal of mussels being a rather shocking 10pps, I have dipped into the bank of points more than I ever have before. I had a welsh rarebit muffin and then a scone with cream and jam - SO worth it, absolutely delicious! Consolation for a rather frugal and wine-less supper. I'd also used some on Friday night when we ended up - unplanned - in Pizza Express after an exhibition at the British Museum (Book of the Dead - very good). It's a lot of points for not a lot of taste in their Leggera range - and because it's one of the restaurants WW have bothered to point, I keep going there, reluctantly. We had walked a couple of miles in the freezing night to get there too.

Right, had better go and do some work now.

Counting my blessings

So, it’s easy to get down at this time of the year I think. I’m trying to count my blessings (and not blub in the office). I’ve been thrown off-kilter by my capricious boss who’s decided not to like me and to make it plain that she finds me very much wanting. I don’t need to be liked (well, okay, maybe a bit) but yesterday she returned the same piece of work to me 4 times and then completely re-did it anyway; I felt worthless and inadequate. She didn’t do it pleasantly either and is giving me a very cold shoulder. One of the things that I despise about myself is that I’m a people-pleaser and I wish I could change that about me; I wish I could grow that thicker skin that bf not infrequently says I need. But this sort of thing turns me inside out with misery. Hence trying to count my blessings for today in the midst of the chilly atmosphere. I even investigated whether I could voluntarily demote myself – it would seem not. Anyway...

1. I would much rather work was wretched than home – I know where my priorities lie. Although I do need the filthy lucre of course.
2. My oyster card had run out of juice today – and the man driving the bus waited for me to jump off and buy a ticket (okay, for £2.20 and I have no idea where my credit’s gone but I appreciate his kindness. Even if the rest of the bus didn’t!)
3. And when I collided with the coffee machine after buying myself a skinny cappuccino this morning, they topped it up for me voluntarily, without so much as a sneer
4. I don’t look like my mum who, in using a new very expensive Clarins base “packed full of nutrients” has become so violently allergic to it that she looks like Mickey Rourke. After a bar fight.

I really wanted to treat myself with food yesterday, I was so miserable. But I didn’t. I couldn’t really think what I wanted which could easily have resulted in me eating everything I could think of to see whether it would make me feel better. Even momentarily. So the Scales need to be kind to me tomorrow – I deserve it and I could do with a pick-me-up. Are you listening, Scales?

Especially since I can’t escape work – I’m working overnight tonight (involves some work early evening and early tomorrow morning before the day starts (from 6am) – and it’s nothing remotely glamorous, Ish) as well as tomorrow and on Sunday too. Still, my boss isn’t around then so that makes for a less tense atmosphere. Another blessing!

A reversal of fortune.

I have the January blues. Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss where she implied that someone I manage is better than me and that I’m not doing a very good job. She did it so cleverly that I didn’t even twig until some hours later. And now I can’t shake the feelings of inadequacy. It may be true but it’s not helpful and I have gossamer thin self-esteem which is rather shredded. I am not a bouncer back (although in other respects I do resemble a space hopper)

And then we come on to dieting. Because it’s January and it’s all about dieting and work. And debt. Let’s not go there though. Soooo, does this sound reasonable to you?
Friday am – Fat.2lbs
Saturday am – Fat.0lbs (admittedly after 24 hour gastric bug)
Monday am – Fat.1lb
Tuesday (today) am – Fat.2lbs

Does it? Does it? Isn’t it – in fact – going in the wrong direction? Okay, I knew I’d put some of the post-gastric weight back on but to be nowhere this morning after a 6 mile cycle ride and an 18 mile cycle ride? No-one say anything about miraculous muscle built or I’ll have to rip your head off. Yep, that’s me today.

I have enforced separation from the scales until Friday now which is probably just as well but there will be tantrums, tears and all manner of emotional fall out then if I am not Fat.0 – or ideally Porky.13. Especially since I go to bed hungry pretty much every night and wake up hungry too. Not starving but uncomfortable. Silly how these things can get you down.


PS I am not cool. Fact. It’s official now though – caught for perpetuity on the ether. I thought my post title yesterday was soooo witty. And then halfway home (no sleet! No rain!) yesterday I remembered that it’s Children of the Revolution. Ah well, not keen on 70s music – it’s only that it’s on bf’s ipod that I’ve even heard of it.

Hero of the revolution

Yesterday, despite the murkiness of the day and the frustration of trying to get our computer to work (do NOT load the new Avast anti-virus anyone who actually wants to use their computer. Seems to stop viruses by stopping your computer working. Effective but missing a trick..), I decided to cycle the 3 miles to Waitrose and get the papers. And back of course. My pelvis must have softened up since October because sitting on anything hurt was a tad ouchy afterwards. And yet, I still cycled today – the first cycle commute of 2011. I am even more ouchy now and I have to get home yet. And it’s just started sleeting, lovely. I better have a bloody good loss on the Scales of Certainty (so called because they get very pissy about you hopping on and off. And never vary) this week – I want to be in the realms of Porky.13.

My bug meant a loss of 2lbs. Unhappily that seemed to be mostly dehydration as I’ve put 1lb of it back on. Of course, weekend eating always means a little deviation into the bonus pot. It’s actually part of my allocation and yet I always feel slightly anxious about dipping in to it. I rarely use more than 10 points – and yet I reserve the right to, if we were going out to dinner (no imminent plans other than a stop at a Lebanese cafe on Friday night after the Egyptian exhibition at the British Museum – 39 points should more than allow for that!).

Looking round our prospective venue was rather fun. It’s eye-wateringly expensive though so I think it’s in the realm of ‘long shot’. Number 2 (and my favourite on paper) is scheduled for this week. Number 3 (and bf’s favourite based on the fact that you supply your own booze and there’s no corkage) has yet to be scheduled because they don’t answer emails or phone calls. Fast forward to when we can start trying cake please. And how exactly does that fit in with dieting into a wedding dress? That has to be having your cake and eating it too.

Viruses

So, I have doubtless endeared myself to my boss by calling in sick again. There's a D&V bug going around and I'm the third person on my desk to get it. Not pretty and not convenient - firstly because we're really busy (as in if you had time to put your head on your desk and weep, you would) and secondly because I got up, dressed, ready etc this morning and it was only on the point of leaving that I realised I really, really couldn't. I feel a bit better but am still wary.

And tomorrow we're going to see a wedding venue. I suspect it isn't 'the one' but you have to start somewhere. I flipping hope it's not the one as it seems outrageously expensive. I've been fretting about the whole 'fat bride' thing and them scorning me for it but now I'll just be pleased if I can get there without barfing/erm, needing the loo rather desparately.

It was also WI today - I've lost 2lbs which is good. I am now Fat.2 so may just reach the Porky bracket by the beginning of February. I'd like to be Porky and a half by the end of Feb anyway. I need to get some exercise in - now we're not going to the tinhut we're not walking (well, bf is getting some in as part of his commute), the weather is still too awful for cycling too. In fact I have been fretting about exercise: because of my choir commitments I can't cycle on Wednesdays or Thursdays anyway and Friday is not a good day for quick escapes to Suffolk. So that only leaves Monday and Tuesday - cycling twice a week is not admirable. I am investigating a zumba class with a friend on Thu night. And I think I'm going to have to try and cycle on a Friday when I can. All of which depends on the weather. Really, I think getting slim is nigh on impossible without full time staff and no job to take up time.

I have spent most of the afternoon coaxing our computer to work. I am in the dark with all this - I've tried to fix it but it seems to be intermittently sick like me. Avast doesn't seem to want to work on either of us.

And thanks for all the jeans/boots advice! Love it that you've all given it some thought. I will not be gluing wedges on my Uggs Ish, (shudder) but will tentatively try the outfit on and see what bf thinks (often brutal in his honesty but at least you know you're getting a 'frank' opinion!) and decide if I think I'll feel a fool or whether I can carry it off. Have to say that slim jeans would work much better with wellies than my current bootlegs. You know, for when we get back to the countryside. Oh for long legs though!

Jean genies

I have a fashion/style/good taste conundrum and I am looking for guidance. Let me start at the beginning – are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time – okay, this Christmas – my mother bought me some sheepskin boots (yes, Uggs I’m afraid – I’m anti overly exposed brands but she couldn’t get me Celtic Collection ones from Cornwall so generously paid through the nose for these). Now, I will happily wear them with a knee length skirt, opaque tights but I’d quite like to wear them with jeans. I wear bootleg jeans normally – being, as I sadly am, short of leg, wide of hip and stout of girth. So it was with some trepidation that I bought a pair of “slim legged” jeans. Note: not skinny – I could be prosecuted for fraud if I wore skinny jeans.

I just can’t work out if I can actually get away with them or not. I tried them on (they fit which is a start I guess) and then took them off. My short legs hold their shortness in the thigh area – and what they lack on the vertical, they more than make up for on the horizontal. My calves are fine, but my thighs are what could charitably be called chunky. Now, I would only ever wear ANY jeans with a long top – I guess upper thigh length or longer if I could. But does a short, fat, size 16, with an over-endowment of thigh, have any business wearing slim leg jeans tucked into Ugg boots? Discuss please.

In other news: my engagement ring now fits fine and I am – just – back in my 16 jeans. They’re pretty tight but no muffin top and they’re a better fit than the 18s – phew. Yesterday I had a blip where a colleague brought me in homemade millionaires’ shortbread from his fiancée to thank me for sending her my bridal mags every time I’ve read them. But I ask you: what B2B (not Business to Business as I thought, but the nauseatingly vile Bride to Be. Don’t worry, I will never refer to this again) sends another 5 squares of delicious yet evil calories? Reader, I ate 3 over the course of a horrendous and stressful day (the 3 smallest, mind!) and took the last 2 home where I watched bf eat them with jealous and rapt attention. I skipped some other points in the day to compensate and added them to my tracker – I have plenty of bonus points so it should be okay and yet I feel guilt. Maybe it’s a pavlovian response to the taste of sugar.

And the forecast is...dreary

I hauled myself in today to be greeted by a colleague “Wow, you look ropey” – gee, thanks. I’m on call tomorrow and I didn’t want to lumber anyone else with having to do it so I had to come in. But after a maximum of 3 hours sleep, I’m not on sparkling form.

Now that I’ve changed my WI day to Friday, I had to enter my weight in the WW online gizmo for the second time this week. Now, had I not weighed myself yesterday I would have been very pleased to have lost 2lbs since then. And indeed it’s churlish not to be pleased – I AM pleased but...but... I seem to have put ON 2lbs from yesterday when I had lost 4lbs! I know, I know, glass half empty (fewer points that way, see?!) but I stuck to points scrupulously yesterday (and indeed all week) so I am mystified as to why I apparently put on 2lbs in less than 24 hours.

I did have a lovely dinner last night – some roasted ratatouille from the freezer (I cooked it first obviously), a baked sweet potato (with butter!) and a tuna steak. To be honest, the ratatouille and sweet potato were the scrumptious things – I wasn’t fussed by the tuna. Maybe I inadvertently ingested calories when I kept swallowing the lump in my throat when watching The Time Traveller’s Wife (bf was out!).

I have a dull as ditchwater weekend ahead: on call until Sunday morning and then taking the Christmas decorations to stash in my mum’s loft. Still, it’s a good time to be on call as I don’t feel well enough to actually do anything – so I’m not missing out. It does mean no lie-in though – gahhhh. Have a fun one for me!