I am the living proof of the chaos theory. No, I'm not talking about my hair or even my sentence construction (although perhaps I should be..) but numbers. Maths . And worse, calories.
On Monday I was off sick with a migraine. Despite feeling pretty grim, I was rather pleased when I woke from my drug induced sleep to find it was 1pm and I'd not eaten. I then had breakfast (yoghurt and granola) and some fruit and generally picked (at healthy stuff). Then I had to go to the dentists (dentist AND migraine -what a Monday!) and when I came back I thought I'd enter my food consumption in the ever severe Food Focus to check how many calories I had left for the day. I was umm-ing and uhh-ing about whether I'd even bother to eat my full 1200 cals - maybe I'd leave it at c900 cals (which is what FF tells me I must have if I am to lose 2lbs a week and have not exercised). Except! When I added in what I had eaten and what I intended to eat it added up to 1216 cals! Bah! Boo! Grr! I thought that as I'd skipped a meal I'd be quids (read cals) in but a cereal bar and some fruit meant otherwise. It's a salutory lesson. Sigh.
And I'm feeling rather down about the whole weight-loss marathon. It's feeling like a slog with no reward (which of course, is tempting me sugar-wards). I'm a maximum of 1lb down since my holiday of 3 weeks ago. Okay, my period is due at any moment but I can't believe it's going to make 5lbs difference. I cycled yesterday despite my usual pre-period exhaustion, telling myself grimly that I must be working all the harder to get in, feeling so tired and I would reap the rewards. I was c0.5lbs heavier today. I've even irked my mum by telling her I'm cycling to and from work on Friday before I go over to her house that night to get some extra exercise in. Feels a bit pointless at the moment...
I am seeing a friend tonight who is wise in the ways of weight loss - she's a double bonus because not only has she successfully lost her weight but she has a real interest in the subject. She still has to work at it and has my affliction of piling on weight when living in normals-ville. So she is wise but not smug and is really living the skinny dream (although she may not think so!), give or take the odd holiday - she's my role model. I'm hoping she has the answer but I think that might be putting on too much pressure!
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Friday, 24 July 2009
Truth is stranger than fiction
Oh! AND another thing - grrrr.
I'm reading a book called East of the Sun (http://www.amazon.co.uk/East-Sun-Julia-Gregson/dp/1409102513/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248453359&sr=1-1). And I guess I was overly identifying with a charactor called Tor who is a bit overweight and a bit over-eager and clumsy and knows all this and agonises about it. And then there's a section where she loses weight and becomes more popular - I let that pass - and then she piles on the weight until she's fatter than she's ever been. So much so when she eventually plucks up the courage to climb on the scales, she's absolutely devastated and horrified to find out the awful truth ....... she weighs 11 stone. Yes, that's right, a shocking 11 stone. And she's tall. It's so annoying I could scream.
Eleven.
Sodding.
Stone.
I'm reading a book called East of the Sun (http://www.amazon.co.uk/East-Sun-Julia-Gregson/dp/1409102513/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248453359&sr=1-1). And I guess I was overly identifying with a charactor called Tor who is a bit overweight and a bit over-eager and clumsy and knows all this and agonises about it. And then there's a section where she loses weight and becomes more popular - I let that pass - and then she piles on the weight until she's fatter than she's ever been. So much so when she eventually plucks up the courage to climb on the scales, she's absolutely devastated and horrified to find out the awful truth ....... she weighs 11 stone. Yes, that's right, a shocking 11 stone. And she's tall. It's so annoying I could scream.
Eleven.
Sodding.
Stone.
Scrapes
I forgot to add in a point about health in my 'count your blessings' post yesterday:
8) Health - yes, I have a headache almost every day BUT it rarely stops me doing what I want to do and I'm kind of used to it
I had to go to the walk in centre today to have my dressing on my helter-skelter wound (a large friction burn). I was explaining that I had developed an allergy to the sticky stuff on the wound pads when I'd fallen off my bike. Then I paused and thought about how that sounded - I was there because I'd hurt myself going down a helter-skelter and had recently fallen off my bike. Despite this, I was not actually 6 years old. Hmmmm.
I'm still not back in the diet groove. I did cycle in today - and am likely to be drowned going home - but after a good day eating yesterday I blew it when I had a spat with bf and ate a whole bag of Haribo strawberries that I'd bought to decorate my god-daughter's birthday cake. And today I've had a 180cal bag of crisps, a lb of greengages and 4 boiled sweets. It's not good, it's not clever and it has to stop.
8) Health - yes, I have a headache almost every day BUT it rarely stops me doing what I want to do and I'm kind of used to it
I had to go to the walk in centre today to have my dressing on my helter-skelter wound (a large friction burn). I was explaining that I had developed an allergy to the sticky stuff on the wound pads when I'd fallen off my bike. Then I paused and thought about how that sounded - I was there because I'd hurt myself going down a helter-skelter and had recently fallen off my bike. Despite this, I was not actually 6 years old. Hmmmm.
I'm still not back in the diet groove. I did cycle in today - and am likely to be drowned going home - but after a good day eating yesterday I blew it when I had a spat with bf and ate a whole bag of Haribo strawberries that I'd bought to decorate my god-daughter's birthday cake. And today I've had a 180cal bag of crisps, a lb of greengages and 4 boiled sweets. It's not good, it's not clever and it has to stop.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Reasons to be cheerful
I've been such a ginger whinger recently I thought I'd do a little 'count your blessings' post:
1) Bf - yes, he can be hyper-critical, sharp and tetchy BUT he is also clever, funny, interesting and can be very sweet and considerate (he drove an hour (and another back) to mow my mum's lawn whilst she and I were in Wales as he knew she'd be fretting about it AND he bought her flowers as well as me when we got back)
2) Home - yes, we appear to have a crack den upstairs (no, really!) and a stink of untrained and uncleared-up-after puppy from our neighbours BUT we overlook the river and the park which is as good as it gets in London
3) Work - yes, it can be stultifyingly dull BUT I also get to do some fun stuff too. And the people in my office are mostly really nice
4) Money - er, well, I'm broke BUT it won't always be like this (when I've paid some debts off hopefully) and I earn more than alot of people. And my job is reasonably secure. And money isn't everything, right?!
5) Appearance - hmm, it's getting harder... Well, I am undeniably both dumpy and frumpy BUT I have not given up - either with the weight or the clothes (which are, when I think about it, very connected). Yes, I get things wrong more often than I get them right BUT I do try and I haven't decended into elastic waists and drip-dry synthetics yet.
6) Friends - ahhhh, my friends are lovely. I don't see them as much as I'd like but I still feel very lucky here.
7) Family - errrr! My mum and I are very close, I'm quite fond of one of my brothers (the other is an alien species I'm afraid), two out of three of my neices are adorable and my nephew is adorable too. One sister in law is pretty nice (and pretty!), the other is the evil chav-in-law BUT she won't be part of our lives for ever. Oh no, I don't think she'll stick around. I lost my very beloved grandma (as in she died, not I misplaced her) a few years ago and I still miss her but I feel lucky to have had her as such a big part of my life. The other side are mad and bad and I'm better off without them.
On other matters, yesterday I turned into invisible girl on my cycle ride home and not one but two white vans reversed into me during the journey. It's only because I'm so cautious that I was some distance behind and managed to get out of the way. One actually hit me - only a bit - and he was very apologetic. I was stern but gracious. If I'd known I would be briefly invisible, I'd have done something more fun with my super powers.
So, that brings me to my action plan to deal with potential impending diet doom (yes, another set of numbers I'm afraid):
1) Cycle tomorrow unless it really is monsooning and just be careful. And not wussy/girly about getting wet.
2) If I can't cycle but I am going into the office for first thing, and it's not pouring, walk in the c3miles along the Thames path in my MBTs. I did this this morning even though I hate carrying them home because they are HUGE. I could feel it in my arse slightly though. What with the significant arse pain from cycling and now this, I ought to have an arse like a peach. Whereas currently it more closely resembles a peach cobbler. Sigh.
3) If I'm out at events, I will be on the go and dashing about and on my feet all day. This ought to help with the calorie burn but I mustn't get complacent. I've kind of got some of my county show treats out of my system which helps (not the skewer of strawberries and marshmallows passed though a chocolate fountain though - mmmmm - still very much in my system!)
4) Not use intervening days where I've been out and off diet and am about to be out and off diet as an excuse to eat off diet on 'normal' days. Days when I'm in my 'normal' life must be diet days - it must make a bit of a difference physically and it certainly will psychologically
5) Keep in mind at all times that we're likely to be going on holiday in late September and I don't want to look too much of a blimp.
1) Bf - yes, he can be hyper-critical, sharp and tetchy BUT he is also clever, funny, interesting and can be very sweet and considerate (he drove an hour (and another back) to mow my mum's lawn whilst she and I were in Wales as he knew she'd be fretting about it AND he bought her flowers as well as me when we got back)
2) Home - yes, we appear to have a crack den upstairs (no, really!) and a stink of untrained and uncleared-up-after puppy from our neighbours BUT we overlook the river and the park which is as good as it gets in London
3) Work - yes, it can be stultifyingly dull BUT I also get to do some fun stuff too. And the people in my office are mostly really nice
4) Money - er, well, I'm broke BUT it won't always be like this (when I've paid some debts off hopefully) and I earn more than alot of people. And my job is reasonably secure. And money isn't everything, right?!
5) Appearance - hmm, it's getting harder... Well, I am undeniably both dumpy and frumpy BUT I have not given up - either with the weight or the clothes (which are, when I think about it, very connected). Yes, I get things wrong more often than I get them right BUT I do try and I haven't decended into elastic waists and drip-dry synthetics yet.
6) Friends - ahhhh, my friends are lovely. I don't see them as much as I'd like but I still feel very lucky here.
7) Family - errrr! My mum and I are very close, I'm quite fond of one of my brothers (the other is an alien species I'm afraid), two out of three of my neices are adorable and my nephew is adorable too. One sister in law is pretty nice (and pretty!), the other is the evil chav-in-law BUT she won't be part of our lives for ever. Oh no, I don't think she'll stick around. I lost my very beloved grandma (as in she died, not I misplaced her) a few years ago and I still miss her but I feel lucky to have had her as such a big part of my life. The other side are mad and bad and I'm better off without them.
On other matters, yesterday I turned into invisible girl on my cycle ride home and not one but two white vans reversed into me during the journey. It's only because I'm so cautious that I was some distance behind and managed to get out of the way. One actually hit me - only a bit - and he was very apologetic. I was stern but gracious. If I'd known I would be briefly invisible, I'd have done something more fun with my super powers.
So, that brings me to my action plan to deal with potential impending diet doom (yes, another set of numbers I'm afraid):
1) Cycle tomorrow unless it really is monsooning and just be careful. And not wussy/girly about getting wet.
2) If I can't cycle but I am going into the office for first thing, and it's not pouring, walk in the c3miles along the Thames path in my MBTs. I did this this morning even though I hate carrying them home because they are HUGE. I could feel it in my arse slightly though. What with the significant arse pain from cycling and now this, I ought to have an arse like a peach. Whereas currently it more closely resembles a peach cobbler. Sigh.
3) If I'm out at events, I will be on the go and dashing about and on my feet all day. This ought to help with the calorie burn but I mustn't get complacent. I've kind of got some of my county show treats out of my system which helps (not the skewer of strawberries and marshmallows passed though a chocolate fountain though - mmmmm - still very much in my system!)
4) Not use intervening days where I've been out and off diet and am about to be out and off diet as an excuse to eat off diet on 'normal' days. Days when I'm in my 'normal' life must be diet days - it must make a bit of a difference physically and it certainly will psychologically
5) Keep in mind at all times that we're likely to be going on holiday in late September and I don't want to look too much of a blimp.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Backpedalling to fatdom
I've just realised that my cycling will be severely curtailed over the next couple of weeks - this spells doom and disaster for weight loss. I can cycle either tomorrow or the next day but I have got some chores I have to do on one evening. I ought to do them (the chores) tomorrow and cycle on Friday to make best use of my time as I have to make part of a birthday cake on Friday night. Sadly this would not make best use of the weather.
Next week - can't cycle Monday, possibly not Tuesday, not Wednesday and not Thursday. Week after - can't cycle any day that week. And the following week I can't cycle Monday to Wednesday and may be too exhausted to on Thurday. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Unfortunately in some respects, the reason I can't cycle is that I'm out of the office at county shows and the like. They're fun but they're long days and it's very difficult to make reasonable food choices. This combined with a lack of cycling is not going to get me back in my clothes. Today my knickers are a tad too tight and I fear I may have slight double boobage going on - it's not a nice feeling. Or a good look.
Today I thought firmly that I was back on the wagon. I bought some sliced chicken breast from M&S to go with my green salad at lunch and ate it - only then did I look (schoolgirl error) and see that it was 200cals and thus made my lunch 396 cals (with some watermelon and SF jelly)! And what's worse, it was on buy 3 for £5 and I did! So I have a 200 cal addition to my lunch tomorrow and the next day - argghhhh. And then I ate half a scone with cream and jam which really won't have helped a whole lot with the calorie count thing. Tonight I have planned an Innocent veg pot which at 356 cals is a little higher than my usual meal. I think today is the last day I can eat it though - I'd bought it to eat when I got home last night as I knew I'd be late after a work function. Trouble is, I was too late for that. So I ate a packet of Quavers and a packet of Aero bubble chocolate things on the tube on the way home instead (probably guaranteeing a dose of swine flu (although I didn't touch anything in the tube, people!)). I have to say it was more fun than the 300 cals I'd usually have for dinner but I think it was rather low on actual nutritional content. And it made me feel bad afterwards. I need to spend my cycle home tonight working on an action plan for surviving the next few weeks I think.
Thanks for your comment Lesley - it's nice to know you're out there, sympathetic and understanding.
Next week - can't cycle Monday, possibly not Tuesday, not Wednesday and not Thursday. Week after - can't cycle any day that week. And the following week I can't cycle Monday to Wednesday and may be too exhausted to on Thurday. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Unfortunately in some respects, the reason I can't cycle is that I'm out of the office at county shows and the like. They're fun but they're long days and it's very difficult to make reasonable food choices. This combined with a lack of cycling is not going to get me back in my clothes. Today my knickers are a tad too tight and I fear I may have slight double boobage going on - it's not a nice feeling. Or a good look.
Today I thought firmly that I was back on the wagon. I bought some sliced chicken breast from M&S to go with my green salad at lunch and ate it - only then did I look (schoolgirl error) and see that it was 200cals and thus made my lunch 396 cals (with some watermelon and SF jelly)! And what's worse, it was on buy 3 for £5 and I did! So I have a 200 cal addition to my lunch tomorrow and the next day - argghhhh. And then I ate half a scone with cream and jam which really won't have helped a whole lot with the calorie count thing. Tonight I have planned an Innocent veg pot which at 356 cals is a little higher than my usual meal. I think today is the last day I can eat it though - I'd bought it to eat when I got home last night as I knew I'd be late after a work function. Trouble is, I was too late for that. So I ate a packet of Quavers and a packet of Aero bubble chocolate things on the tube on the way home instead (probably guaranteeing a dose of swine flu (although I didn't touch anything in the tube, people!)). I have to say it was more fun than the 300 cals I'd usually have for dinner but I think it was rather low on actual nutritional content. And it made me feel bad afterwards. I need to spend my cycle home tonight working on an action plan for surviving the next few weeks I think.
Thanks for your comment Lesley - it's nice to know you're out there, sympathetic and understanding.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Sugar elastoplast
A girl in my office got engaged last week. I don't know why I want this so badly - I don't like being the centre of attention, I look awful in photographs (trying not to think that this is because I look awful in real life too!) and white doesn't suit me at all (it matches my skin too closely). I think it's to do with being 'chosen' - as it is I feel a bit like the last person to be picked (reluctantly) for a team at school. And I have plenty of experience of that feeling. And to do with someone sort of saying 'you know what, I think you're so amazing that I want to - and I truly believe I will - be with you forever. And I want everyone I care about to know and celebrate my good fortune at having snagged you'. And whilst I know that this is never going to happen for me and most of me has accepted that fact, it still stings. In fact, that's bilge, I haven't accepted it all, I just pretend I have because I know there's nothing I can do - it's like my head knows it but my heart refuses to hear sense. It was beautifully encapsulated in the conversation with bf about this when I told him:
Bf: "Who'd marry her?" [NB she is a bit of a cow] "when are they getting married?"
Me: October next year I think
Bf: "That gives him plenty of time to leave her then"
Me: "I don't think so - they've been together for a while and live together"
Bf: "Why are they bothering getting married then?"
Me: "Er, love? Romance? Commitment?"
I find I can only have the mental strength to diet when I'm not agonising about other things. It's as if there's only room in my head for one thing. Then bf was quite tetchy and irritable with me most of the weekend. It turns out it was about my messiness and hoarding habit but to be fair I had agreed to do something about this - and I did. It's a big trigger for us; I would say he doesn't notice dirt but is quite anal about clutter. And I do hoard things terribly, it's true. And then I feel as if he's trying to clear me out of his life when he wants to get rid of my stuff. All very silly I'm sure.
But the upshot is that I have been rubbish with the diet and am now afraid to get on the scales, despite 4 days of cycling since holiday. I know that after 3 of those days AND eating properly, I had not shifted so much as a measly lb and I had a county fair at the weekend where actually I didn't go mad - partly because I was running around after my neices and nephew. And I lost so much skin - it was flayed off going down the helter-skelter with them, ouch - that I ought to have lost weight there alone! Then I had a curry for dinner with wine, then a baguette and cheese the next day and tacos for dinner with wine and ice cream because I felt short changed by the miserableness of the curry dinner where bf was in such a bad mood.
I feel depressed about my life at the moment - I'm heading for fat, fair and forty. Although I'm okay with the fairness (as a redhead you kind of get used to ghostly pallor). Less okay with the 40 and fat. In fact very not-okay. This can lead to a vicious and ridiculous and utterly pointless cycle of eating and fatness and depression. I can't let that happen, I won't. I have 2 more days when I can cycle in this week (weather permitting) and I cannot - will not - allow myself to try and use sugar as an emotional sticking plaster.
Bf: "Who'd marry her?" [NB she is a bit of a cow] "when are they getting married?"
Me: October next year I think
Bf: "That gives him plenty of time to leave her then"
Me: "I don't think so - they've been together for a while and live together"
Bf: "Why are they bothering getting married then?"
Me: "Er, love? Romance? Commitment?"
I find I can only have the mental strength to diet when I'm not agonising about other things. It's as if there's only room in my head for one thing. Then bf was quite tetchy and irritable with me most of the weekend. It turns out it was about my messiness and hoarding habit but to be fair I had agreed to do something about this - and I did. It's a big trigger for us; I would say he doesn't notice dirt but is quite anal about clutter. And I do hoard things terribly, it's true. And then I feel as if he's trying to clear me out of his life when he wants to get rid of my stuff. All very silly I'm sure.
But the upshot is that I have been rubbish with the diet and am now afraid to get on the scales, despite 4 days of cycling since holiday. I know that after 3 of those days AND eating properly, I had not shifted so much as a measly lb and I had a county fair at the weekend where actually I didn't go mad - partly because I was running around after my neices and nephew. And I lost so much skin - it was flayed off going down the helter-skelter with them, ouch - that I ought to have lost weight there alone! Then I had a curry for dinner with wine, then a baguette and cheese the next day and tacos for dinner with wine and ice cream because I felt short changed by the miserableness of the curry dinner where bf was in such a bad mood.
I feel depressed about my life at the moment - I'm heading for fat, fair and forty. Although I'm okay with the fairness (as a redhead you kind of get used to ghostly pallor). Less okay with the 40 and fat. In fact very not-okay. This can lead to a vicious and ridiculous and utterly pointless cycle of eating and fatness and depression. I can't let that happen, I won't. I have 2 more days when I can cycle in this week (weather permitting) and I cannot - will not - allow myself to try and use sugar as an emotional sticking plaster.
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Soggy cycling shorts - euuwww
That raincloud was waiting for me yesterday, just where I left it on the edge of the City, like a faithful dog. Except not as cute. Or furry. Or - well, it's a rubbish analogy, forget it! Suffice it to say, having put on wet cycling clothes which hadn't dried out from the morning, I got them even wetter getting home again. But did it stop me cycling in today? No! Of course, it was sunny this morning and I know I won't be able to cycle tomorrow as I'm going to my mother's after work. Rain is forecast but it's sunny now and I'd like to get home in the dry (or even in the sunshine, ideally - if that's not asking too much).
I think I could do with a rest day from cycling anyway - wuss that I am - my arse was aching on the ride in this morning. Now don't get me wrong, this is a good thing as I think (hope) that it means my arse is becoming a hostile place for fat. But my thighs were burning on the slopes (can't in all conscience say hills) too and I felt quite weary. And there's a certain part of the cycle path I use that apparently defies the laws of physics (or gravity. Or both - I really sucked at science at school) by being uphill both ways; spooky. I would cycle tomorrow if I weren't off to Kent in the interests of calorie burning but am quite glad of an excuse.
My cycle route takes me past the Monument to an Unknown Artist. This looks like a bronze statue but it moves. It's horrible! It's not only ugly but really eerie too. My mother's chocolate lab would hate it - she's a laid back kind of dog generally but she takes great exception to those giant inflatable Christmas figures people put outside their houses and barks ferociously at them. Well, this statue would be considered very wrong indeed! Mind you, she once took a strong dislike to the light fitting in the kitchen of my mum's old house. I was there when she saw it and her reaction was extreme - hackles up, lots of noise, the lot! I think her dignity was hurt by my mother and I falling about with laughter.
Life is getting in the way of my diet again. We had an 'optional' team lunch today for charity. It was bread, cheese, pate, pork pie and quiche then strawberries and cream. I didn't have any pork pie as I don't like it and had just one small bit of quiche and left the crust. But I did have brie and stilton with bread and a wodge of pate too. I left most of my cream as it was sweetened which I don't like. Nonetheless, I suspect that it's alot of empty calories I've just consumed. What really annoyed me was that most people - including the big boss who organised it - ducked out at the last minute. Ah well. I think I'll have soup for supper to try and make up for it a bit.
I think I could do with a rest day from cycling anyway - wuss that I am - my arse was aching on the ride in this morning. Now don't get me wrong, this is a good thing as I think (hope) that it means my arse is becoming a hostile place for fat. But my thighs were burning on the slopes (can't in all conscience say hills) too and I felt quite weary. And there's a certain part of the cycle path I use that apparently defies the laws of physics (or gravity. Or both - I really sucked at science at school) by being uphill both ways; spooky. I would cycle tomorrow if I weren't off to Kent in the interests of calorie burning but am quite glad of an excuse.
My cycle route takes me past the Monument to an Unknown Artist. This looks like a bronze statue but it moves. It's horrible! It's not only ugly but really eerie too. My mother's chocolate lab would hate it - she's a laid back kind of dog generally but she takes great exception to those giant inflatable Christmas figures people put outside their houses and barks ferociously at them. Well, this statue would be considered very wrong indeed! Mind you, she once took a strong dislike to the light fitting in the kitchen of my mum's old house. I was there when she saw it and her reaction was extreme - hackles up, lots of noise, the lot! I think her dignity was hurt by my mother and I falling about with laughter.
Life is getting in the way of my diet again. We had an 'optional' team lunch today for charity. It was bread, cheese, pate, pork pie and quiche then strawberries and cream. I didn't have any pork pie as I don't like it and had just one small bit of quiche and left the crust. But I did have brie and stilton with bread and a wodge of pate too. I left most of my cream as it was sweetened which I don't like. Nonetheless, I suspect that it's alot of empty calories I've just consumed. What really annoyed me was that most people - including the big boss who organised it - ducked out at the last minute. Ah well. I think I'll have soup for supper to try and make up for it a bit.
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