...nothing for ages and then 2 in one day (well, strictly speaking it's now tomorrow but you know what I mean). It's just that I won't be back at a computer now until next week and wanted to get the diet/food stuff down now. So to speak.
It's mostly bad with a scant smattering of good. Bad first - my sugar obsession is back and rampant. Today I have had a big Quality Street (purple), a pack of M&Ms (peanut - when I'd got so hungry I was shaking), a pack of M&S chocolate brazil nuts, 4 Lindors from the smack table, a mini Gu chocolate pot and 4 pieces of dark chocolate with raspberries. It's possibly a slightly worse day than normal but I could do worse damage than even that. I wake up thinking about chocolate. Even I know that's crazy. And I have not had the guts to weigh myself (although in other ways I have far too much gut to weigh myself). My clothes do fit but more snugly. And if I carry on like this they soon won't. Which will serve me right of course.
On the not-really-mitigating-at-all side, I have kept the exercise up although I still hate it (and running in the dark is so not fun. Or the light to be honest but there is something that makes me even more resentful about tearing myself from my bed in the dark). I don't eat such large portions of food at meals - I've recognised that I can eat far less. Of course, my sugar demon muses over cutting down food even further to eat more chocolate. And I mostly keep away from bread, rice etc Would say carbs but chocolate is clearly a carb. I'm eating less fruit too - again, when balanced against more chocolate this really loses any impact.
I don't want to go back to LL. I've got some packs saved for emergency post Christmas treatment - about 10 days' worth - but don't want to get permanently back into that. If I could control or eliminate the chocolate (and occasional diversionary forays into cakes and sweets) I think I'd be doing okay but I cannot work out how to do this. Other than to acquire will power from somewhere. Every night I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been. I can't go back there - the photos from the GCW were such a disappointment because I thought that for the first social event for ages I wouldn't feel that kick of shame and self-loathing when I saw photos. But I still looked fat - even after all the work and sweat and tears. Do I feel bitter? Yes, a bit. And a bit confused. I know it's my fault though, I could have been under 10st by now and in that mythical, perfect BMI - as unlikely as that sounds and feels. Surely I wouldn't still look fat then? Maybe. Who knows? Don't think I'll ever find out. But I'd soooo settle for a smallish 14 (despite November's Marie Claire talking breathlessly and squeamishly of the bravery of women who try to be happy even though they are as huge as a 14 (gasp) - yeah, thanks for that MC, nearly blew a gasket in rage) but think I'm a standard 16 again.
Off to Aldeburgh for a long weekend. Walking and eating - bliss, I'm afraid. Won't be eating so much chocolate though as will be with b/f. Maybe this could start getting me out of this dreadful and deepening rut. Any other ideas would be welcomed with fervant anxiety.
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Mind the gap
It's been a while, I know. Thanks for the comments - I think 6 is a personal best! I tend to think that no-one reads me so it's really nice to know you're all out there. It's nice to feel part of a gang (in a non-Asbo kind of way)!
So a quick catch up on all things Peridotty.
Great Chav Wedding - grim, grim, grim. The bride came up the aisle to DJ Sammi, the tables at the wedding breakfast were named after cheap booze (Archers, Cinzano, Baileys) and we all got a miniature of said booze as a wedding favour (mine was Cinzano - I ask you, does anyone even drink this any more?), my new sisters-in-law are the roughest, orangest women I've ever seen - short on clothes but big on make-up. Bright, tight dresses (one with unfortunate ruching) bare orange legs and very high shoes. In fact, all the female friends were like it too. I really stood out - I'd channelled Dita von Teese in that I embraced my very pale skin and went for a late 40s look (the 1940s, not that of a 40 something woman!) and red lips.
The father of the bride (who looks like Pete Beale but more florid and louder) was drunk by his speech, insulted my brother and went on to start a fight (we'd left by this point). The mother of the bride was scary. All the photos were of the Chav and her family (possibly a blessing since I am not photogenic and the only couple of photos of me I saw (taken by other members of my family) showed me looking disappointingly fat) with none of us. The children stole the show but cried because they were so cold. The bride's dress was okay - very tight with a massive fishtail all around her like a podium and alot of rhinestones, but otherwise okay. She didn't speak to any of us! And Lily (my mother's gorgeous chocolate labrador) got very very bad kennel cough and was having what I called yak attacks - where she was phlegming all over the carpet in the rented cottage so we had to get back, she was quite unhappy (as you would be).
Work is manic though - hence my silence. And whilst I was away they've promoted a rank amateur to be my line manager. I quite like him as a person but he is WAY out of his depth and is asserting his authority by throwing his weight about and being patronising. I was very unhappy about it - and still am but am kind of avoiding him. So I have no support. Am applying for other things though.
On the bright side, my best friend R is pregnant which is lovely, longed-for news and Naughty R is engaged. Go the Rs! They say things come in 3s so I'm waiting for more good news. And I wouldn't mind at all if I were the subject!
Diet - I have to run as I'm on call tonight so this will have to be a WHOLE other post. It's just such a complex issue that I can't just quickly dash something off. It's still a problem. I feel pulled down by it - I am SICK of thinking about it. And sick of ignoring it whilst I sneakily eat chocolate too. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat if stressed, upset etc though - but I am the opposite.
So a quick catch up on all things Peridotty.
Great Chav Wedding - grim, grim, grim. The bride came up the aisle to DJ Sammi, the tables at the wedding breakfast were named after cheap booze (Archers, Cinzano, Baileys) and we all got a miniature of said booze as a wedding favour (mine was Cinzano - I ask you, does anyone even drink this any more?), my new sisters-in-law are the roughest, orangest women I've ever seen - short on clothes but big on make-up. Bright, tight dresses (one with unfortunate ruching) bare orange legs and very high shoes. In fact, all the female friends were like it too. I really stood out - I'd channelled Dita von Teese in that I embraced my very pale skin and went for a late 40s look (the 1940s, not that of a 40 something woman!) and red lips.
The father of the bride (who looks like Pete Beale but more florid and louder) was drunk by his speech, insulted my brother and went on to start a fight (we'd left by this point). The mother of the bride was scary. All the photos were of the Chav and her family (possibly a blessing since I am not photogenic and the only couple of photos of me I saw (taken by other members of my family) showed me looking disappointingly fat) with none of us. The children stole the show but cried because they were so cold. The bride's dress was okay - very tight with a massive fishtail all around her like a podium and alot of rhinestones, but otherwise okay. She didn't speak to any of us! And Lily (my mother's gorgeous chocolate labrador) got very very bad kennel cough and was having what I called yak attacks - where she was phlegming all over the carpet in the rented cottage so we had to get back, she was quite unhappy (as you would be).
Work is manic though - hence my silence. And whilst I was away they've promoted a rank amateur to be my line manager. I quite like him as a person but he is WAY out of his depth and is asserting his authority by throwing his weight about and being patronising. I was very unhappy about it - and still am but am kind of avoiding him. So I have no support. Am applying for other things though.
On the bright side, my best friend R is pregnant which is lovely, longed-for news and Naughty R is engaged. Go the Rs! They say things come in 3s so I'm waiting for more good news. And I wouldn't mind at all if I were the subject!
Diet - I have to run as I'm on call tonight so this will have to be a WHOLE other post. It's just such a complex issue that I can't just quickly dash something off. It's still a problem. I feel pulled down by it - I am SICK of thinking about it. And sick of ignoring it whilst I sneakily eat chocolate too. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat if stressed, upset etc though - but I am the opposite.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
The Great Chav Wedding
I sooo don't want to go. I have finally got an outfit (or mostly) - size 14 skirt, size 18 shirt and size 16 jacket, what does that mean? The shirt is admittedly very fitted and the 16 did fit except for one button across the bust but I still feel very fed up about buying anything that's an 18. But after about 6 full days of shopping (not all consecutive) I was at screaming point and pretty desparate.
The Chav bride has had 3 of her 4 proposed hen events - my brother stood firm about no3 which was to have been a week away with some of her chav friends whilst he took on all the child care with the help of my mother.
Today I raised with my brother how wrong I felt it was that my mother wasn't invited to any of the hen dos - I think it is general practice. He disagreed and then we got into a whole email conversation which he claimed to do alot for my mother (I don't think he does). I pointed out that she does alot for him too. He thinks that anything involving his children is actually a huge treat for the person roped in - so all her babysitting was rather brushed aside. And he said the chav side of the family did alot more, then he said that he knew I wasn't the chav's greatest fan. I replied that I had never said anything against her (well, to him at any rate!) and it was clear that she didn't like me or my mother (we went over there this morning as my mum takes daughter 1 to nursery on a Thursday and chav didn't even say hello) but that it was his choice. I just got an email back saying he was going to leave it and "that was stupid". I feel very stirred up about it. And now I want to go to the wedding even less. And I especially don't want to do a reading - it's clear I was only asked as everything else is entirely dominated by her family and friends. My mum, bf, aunt, cousin and I have all been put on the same table with all the children to look after (none of them are ours) so it's clear that we're being used as a cheap childcare option.
The chav and her sisters and her mother are all going for a spray tan just before the wedding (the chav is ginger and these fake tans make her look top to toe orange). At least, as I told bf, he will be able to tell who is joining the family as they'll all be neon orange. Nice.
The Chav bride has had 3 of her 4 proposed hen events - my brother stood firm about no3 which was to have been a week away with some of her chav friends whilst he took on all the child care with the help of my mother.
Today I raised with my brother how wrong I felt it was that my mother wasn't invited to any of the hen dos - I think it is general practice. He disagreed and then we got into a whole email conversation which he claimed to do alot for my mother (I don't think he does). I pointed out that she does alot for him too. He thinks that anything involving his children is actually a huge treat for the person roped in - so all her babysitting was rather brushed aside. And he said the chav side of the family did alot more, then he said that he knew I wasn't the chav's greatest fan. I replied that I had never said anything against her (well, to him at any rate!) and it was clear that she didn't like me or my mother (we went over there this morning as my mum takes daughter 1 to nursery on a Thursday and chav didn't even say hello) but that it was his choice. I just got an email back saying he was going to leave it and "that was stupid". I feel very stirred up about it. And now I want to go to the wedding even less. And I especially don't want to do a reading - it's clear I was only asked as everything else is entirely dominated by her family and friends. My mum, bf, aunt, cousin and I have all been put on the same table with all the children to look after (none of them are ours) so it's clear that we're being used as a cheap childcare option.
The chav and her sisters and her mother are all going for a spray tan just before the wedding (the chav is ginger and these fake tans make her look top to toe orange). At least, as I told bf, he will be able to tell who is joining the family as they'll all be neon orange. Nice.
Monday, 13 October 2008
Do it myyyyy wayyyy?
I'm still not well. I feel like I have a big lump stuck in the base of my throat and my throat is generally sore. I didn't run again this morning as I was feeling too rough and I am anxious about how hard it will be to get back to it properly. I had appalling mouth ulcers over the weekend - 4 although 3 of them eventually merged - which are at least getting better now. And my nails are crumbling which always makes me concerned about my bones. I am not a picture of health! Packs are not the panacea my last (foolish) LL claimed.
But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!
I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!
And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.
I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.
But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!
I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!
And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.
I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.
Friday, 10 October 2008
Bedside manners
I've not been well for about a week to 10 days. I seem to be run down and I do blame the packs. I have these vile boil/spots on my neck (never been seen before in the history of Peridot), an extremely painful mouth ulcer and I'm coming down with a cold combined with an added bonus of nausea. Last week I had a bout of sickness and dizziness too. Very odd. And I feel rather sorry for myself to boot.
So last week I think I only ran maybe twice and the same this week - I just couldn't go this morning I felt too rough. I have done a fair amount of walking too though. And I've been mixed on my packs (which might make it a bit unfair to blame them) - some days I've had my 3 as planned (plus small portion of protein and piece of fruit) and some days I've actually only had one because I've picked off the dreaded smack table. My weight is creeping slowly down though - I've lost 10-11lbs in the last 3 weeks I reckon. It still means I won't be at my slimmest by the great chav Halloween wedding but I have to aim to get as close as I can.
And I finally got to see my specialist on Wednesday. He's always good value - he's so eccentric he makes me laugh and of course he has this wealth of knowledge that is great to tap into. I talked to him about how if I crack on the diet I go beserk on sugar to the point of physical discomfort. He agrees with me that it's a physical thing rather than a psychological reaction. We talked about the fact that trials on what's known as a "semi starvation diet" demonstrated this very response and he said that the after-effects would last some time after I'd stopped dieting - the impulse to binge seems to be the body's backlash against being starved. He's put me on reductil to see if that quells the urge to binge and said if I see any difference to stick with it and if I don't, to get my GP to up the dose. What he really wants though is for me to stop dieting and concentrate on maintaining the weight I am now for a few months to get past the binge urge and then look at losing some more weight if I want to. But I explained that I'm not happy where I was - when I was a stone lighter even, I was starting to feel 'normal' and now I don't (not helped by huge protruberances from my neck!). He's so funny. He made me stand up so he could look at me and said that I look absolutely 'normal' to him; he doubted I'd be asked to do any catwalk work but that I could easily do a Dove advert and if I were on Trinny and Susannah or Gok they'd think I was mad! He just made me laugh and laugh - this clearly eccentric man in his 60s tossing around modern, female references. He's also concerned that I hate running so much and is pushing me to try tango!
Anyway, it's almost 6.30pm and the office is deserted. My sofa and a chick flick are calling me as bf is out and I feel so lousy. It's very difficult not to 'treat' myself with a lovely dinner - or any type of food indulgence - since these are two trigger factors for me (illness and dinner on my own) and I think not giving in will make me feel sadder but there we go. Sadder but thinner - that's the key!
So last week I think I only ran maybe twice and the same this week - I just couldn't go this morning I felt too rough. I have done a fair amount of walking too though. And I've been mixed on my packs (which might make it a bit unfair to blame them) - some days I've had my 3 as planned (plus small portion of protein and piece of fruit) and some days I've actually only had one because I've picked off the dreaded smack table. My weight is creeping slowly down though - I've lost 10-11lbs in the last 3 weeks I reckon. It still means I won't be at my slimmest by the great chav Halloween wedding but I have to aim to get as close as I can.
And I finally got to see my specialist on Wednesday. He's always good value - he's so eccentric he makes me laugh and of course he has this wealth of knowledge that is great to tap into. I talked to him about how if I crack on the diet I go beserk on sugar to the point of physical discomfort. He agrees with me that it's a physical thing rather than a psychological reaction. We talked about the fact that trials on what's known as a "semi starvation diet" demonstrated this very response and he said that the after-effects would last some time after I'd stopped dieting - the impulse to binge seems to be the body's backlash against being starved. He's put me on reductil to see if that quells the urge to binge and said if I see any difference to stick with it and if I don't, to get my GP to up the dose. What he really wants though is for me to stop dieting and concentrate on maintaining the weight I am now for a few months to get past the binge urge and then look at losing some more weight if I want to. But I explained that I'm not happy where I was - when I was a stone lighter even, I was starting to feel 'normal' and now I don't (not helped by huge protruberances from my neck!). He's so funny. He made me stand up so he could look at me and said that I look absolutely 'normal' to him; he doubted I'd be asked to do any catwalk work but that I could easily do a Dove advert and if I were on Trinny and Susannah or Gok they'd think I was mad! He just made me laugh and laugh - this clearly eccentric man in his 60s tossing around modern, female references. He's also concerned that I hate running so much and is pushing me to try tango!
Anyway, it's almost 6.30pm and the office is deserted. My sofa and a chick flick are calling me as bf is out and I feel so lousy. It's very difficult not to 'treat' myself with a lovely dinner - or any type of food indulgence - since these are two trigger factors for me (illness and dinner on my own) and I think not giving in will make me feel sadder but there we go. Sadder but thinner - that's the key!
Friday, 26 September 2008
Keep on running
This week I've run three times - Tuesday, Thursday and today. It was especially hard work this morning and very hard to keep going. I was so tempted to cut it short and had to really force myself to continue. I run for the same amount of time (40 mins) but am covering less of the park in that time than I was before Wales. When I start out on my runs it's so dark I have to use the light function on my watch to see the time (for my intervals) ticking away; it only gets light about halfway through. This may be why I seem to have the park to myself again!
One of the reasons I pushed myself so hard this morning was that yesterday I only had one LL pack (of the 4 you're supposed to have and 3 that I'm having) to make up for half a doughnut, a large handful of Maltesers and a wedge of brie from the smack table. I don't even like Krispy Kremes! And wouldn't even if they had a sensible name - just toooooo sweet. I don't know if that's why I'm so hungry today. I had to have my bar at about 11am and I usually hold off until c1pm - and I'm STILL ravenous. Clearly I can't be in ketosis but my feet are freezing too.
Next week I've got to make an effort to find something to wear for my brother's wedding. It's more traumatic if you feel fat of course. I'm planning on trying on 16s but buying a 14. I don't think that's too ambitious given that I was a 14 before this latest blip but as we all know, 14s vary wildly. I should be able to have a last minute panic and take it back though if I can't de-blubber in time.
I'm working - just covering - from Saturday morning to Sunday morning so not a great weekend ahead. No lie in either as I have to be up before 9am on each day! If the weather's nice though we might manage a walk on Sunday - bf wants to lose weight too so it makes sense to spend our time being a bit active if it's enjoyable too. Then Monday back to the exasperating LL class. Apparently one of the 2 big gobs in the class was actually allowed to TAKE the class while the LLC was away (I was in Wales but Naughty R told me)! Arghhhhhhhh.
One of the reasons I pushed myself so hard this morning was that yesterday I only had one LL pack (of the 4 you're supposed to have and 3 that I'm having) to make up for half a doughnut, a large handful of Maltesers and a wedge of brie from the smack table. I don't even like Krispy Kremes! And wouldn't even if they had a sensible name - just toooooo sweet. I don't know if that's why I'm so hungry today. I had to have my bar at about 11am and I usually hold off until c1pm - and I'm STILL ravenous. Clearly I can't be in ketosis but my feet are freezing too.
Next week I've got to make an effort to find something to wear for my brother's wedding. It's more traumatic if you feel fat of course. I'm planning on trying on 16s but buying a 14. I don't think that's too ambitious given that I was a 14 before this latest blip but as we all know, 14s vary wildly. I should be able to have a last minute panic and take it back though if I can't de-blubber in time.
I'm working - just covering - from Saturday morning to Sunday morning so not a great weekend ahead. No lie in either as I have to be up before 9am on each day! If the weather's nice though we might manage a walk on Sunday - bf wants to lose weight too so it makes sense to spend our time being a bit active if it's enjoyable too. Then Monday back to the exasperating LL class. Apparently one of the 2 big gobs in the class was actually allowed to TAKE the class while the LLC was away (I was in Wales but Naughty R told me)! Arghhhhhhhh.
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