So much for my resolution to post twice a week. This week and next are likely to be one-post weeks - because we're going away! A long weekend in Yorkshire beckons. Great news for everything except my diet.
I decided to weigh today - rather than tomorrow which would have been a week - because I was visiting a friend and new baby today and I knew there would be cake. With the exception of two (delicious) cocktails I have had a sensible - verging on austere - week and I didn't want the cake to marr that. 2lbs off. That's pretty damn decent for me. And it's not the first week (when I didn't weigh) so hopefully it's not a one-off blip. I can't help but do the numbers (you know, if I lose x a week then by y I'll be...). I tried to look at the bigger (forgive the pun) picture and just say, okay, I want to be back in my beloved tweed coat by October: I fear this means 3 1/2 stone though and I fear even more that this may be too big (there it is again) an ask.
Talking of blips (or indeed blimps). I'm going to make the best choices I can whilst we're away but it's clearly not going to be the same as eating salads at home (if it is, we're doing something wrong). I intend to choose the most carb-free foods I can (I won't be diving headfirst into a vat of pasta for instance) but I'm anticipating more wine than usual.
Tomorrow night we're staying with friends of P who are great drinkers - I won't (and can't!) try and keep pace but even so, it's likely to be a bit over what I'd normally drink. Then we're off for three nights in a pub - chosen for its links to P's beloved meat supplier in London (The Ginger Pig. No that's the butcher, not me but I'm very much alive to the amusing double meaning, thank you). At least it's not Italian! Food choices ought not to be too difficult. There may be the occasional pudding but, thank the lord, I'm so fussy about pudding that more often than not I don't see anything I fancy.
We hope to do a bit of walking too. Probably better for the soul than the waistline but a fringe benefit is a fringe benefit.
Apart from SoD, I now have another monitoring exercise - taking my blood sugar. I'm getting reasonably blase about whacking a needle in me but the sense of failure if my blood sugar levels aren't low enough is almost as profound as when SoD throws me a curveball. I am keeping a grip because it's early days and it may be that my drugs haven't kicked in. The biggest similarity is my reluctance to engage when I know things won't be good. Today, for example. I know cake is likely to produce a bad result so I don't really want to see it. Today has been a needle free day thus far.
I also went shopping today. I have read that this is supposed to be fun - that some people actually enjoy it. I may even know people who enjoy it - but they mystify me. Nothing is more likely to induce crippling self-loathing than looking at myself in mirrors and coming home empty handed. I gave myself the distraction of accessories (some navy shoe-boots and a new work bag) but failed on all counts. The seemingly inocuous task of a (preferably stripy) long sleeved t-shirt was in fact an impossible quest (who knew?). I tried to steer clear of all other clothes but, sick of the boob-pain, resolved to buy a bra (Reader: I have bottled this twice recently).
I went to Bravissimo as I have proven to myself repeatedly that I have no idea what size I am. This requires military style planning as I know it means standing in front of someone, half-naked. It had to be a skirt for stomach-camoflaging properties - I couldn't display myself in jeans. Luckily the fitter was kind (although appalled that my current bra only contained half of my breasts - the other half being forced to skulk under my arms resentfully) and although the resulting bra is now hurting, I suspect it's just the newness rather than gradual boob bisection. I even bought a patterned hot pink 2nd bra: Reader, I detest pink. Still not sure what happened there but this is it (no, don't worry, not me in it but a pretty, normal lingerie-model type):
http://www.figleaves.com/uk/product/FRA-AA1651/Freya-Tropics-Underwired-Plunge-Bra/?size=&colour=Reds
It says red. It's not red. I was also way out in the size I thought I was - a whole underband size smaller and 2-3 cup sizes bigger. My cup runneth over indeed.
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Friday, 21 February 2014
The SoD debate
Thank
you for your words of support. I’m still
not happy but what can I do? I have to
get on with it.
Of course, this renewal of my dedication to the carb-free life (SOB) needs to be evaluated. I know this. I have ordered a blood sugar monitor but of course, mentally screaming and kicking, I have forced myself to realise that the Scales of Doom will have to once more have a place in my life. A feared, despised, terrified place of disappointment, resentment and dashed hopes. A short period of time each week that I fear and which has the power to destroy not just my week, but my morale too.
Of course (again), I know I’m fatter. The fact that stuff doesn’t fit me makes that abundantly and painfully clear. I have however clung to the fact that at least I am not back at pre LL days. I reckoned I was about a stone off which was bad but at least I hadn’t undone all that pain.
I didn’t want to weigh myself for so many reasons but not least that I’ve been doing this for over a week and therefore wouldn’t see any initial slightly faster loss.
Out came SoD, covered in a film of dust but I could feel a malevolent energy underneath that (I had kinda hoped that the batteries would be dead). I am slightly heavier than before I started LL. Yes, fresh fat but the wrong way.
I believe that it’s customary at this point to make soothing noises about ‘never seeing those numbers again’ but I am living proof that this is not so.
I am assuming I was even heavier last week. Of course, my assumptions have proven to be absolute rubbish so far so who knows? What I will know is what I weigh next week.
But I don’t feel good. I'm struggling. I need a break (although obviously not a Kit Kat)
Of course, this renewal of my dedication to the carb-free life (SOB) needs to be evaluated. I know this. I have ordered a blood sugar monitor but of course, mentally screaming and kicking, I have forced myself to realise that the Scales of Doom will have to once more have a place in my life. A feared, despised, terrified place of disappointment, resentment and dashed hopes. A short period of time each week that I fear and which has the power to destroy not just my week, but my morale too.
Of course (again), I know I’m fatter. The fact that stuff doesn’t fit me makes that abundantly and painfully clear. I have however clung to the fact that at least I am not back at pre LL days. I reckoned I was about a stone off which was bad but at least I hadn’t undone all that pain.
I didn’t want to weigh myself for so many reasons but not least that I’ve been doing this for over a week and therefore wouldn’t see any initial slightly faster loss.
Out came SoD, covered in a film of dust but I could feel a malevolent energy underneath that (I had kinda hoped that the batteries would be dead). I am slightly heavier than before I started LL. Yes, fresh fat but the wrong way.
I believe that it’s customary at this point to make soothing noises about ‘never seeing those numbers again’ but I am living proof that this is not so.
I am assuming I was even heavier last week. Of course, my assumptions have proven to be absolute rubbish so far so who knows? What I will know is what I weigh next week.
But I don’t feel good. I'm struggling. I need a break (although obviously not a Kit Kat)
Monday, 17 February 2014
Sweet enough
It’s
been a long time and I have a lot to say.
You might want to nip off and make a cup of tea – this could take some time.
Work has been appalling. If you’re yawning, I can’t say I blame you. But it’s true. I seem to be in a permanent state of nervous exhaustion. I didn’t have to work over the weekend which was wonderful but the previous Saturday I had to be in for 9am, didn’t leave my desk until 6pm when I went home and started again at 7pm until midnight – and then worked solidly from 6am – 10.30am the following morning. And I think I’ve got out at lunchtime three times since the beginning of December. Sorry to moan, but it’s making life very difficult.
But that’s not the full story.
Do you remember I said I was being tested for my heart (which I was worried about) and diabetes (which I was not)? Well I have my heart tests on Wednesday but I tested positive for diabetes. It was a real shock – I am not thirsty, I do not need the loo a lot (just as well since that’s also something there is no time for in the working day) and I’m not losing weight inexplicably or explicably. Sadly.
It could explain my very, very cold feet. It could explain my scalp psoriasis. It could explain my headaches. But none of these are very mainstream symptoms.
As is typical of my doctor, I just got a note in the post, together with my blood readings and a prescription. I’m not keen on taking things and I strongly suspected that I was borderline and they just react in a mechanical way. I checked my readings online though and they’re pretty damn high; there’s no room for doubt and I can see why they’ve put me on medication immediately.
When I look back, I’ve always had screwy blood sugar. I dieted myself into this in my teens – that’s when I first started getting shaky, sweaty and faint if I’d not eaten and the only thing that helped was something carby and/or sugary. I was the thinnest I’d ever been (or will ever be). This continued with varying levels of frequency and severity for much of my life – definitely exacerbated by eating too much sugar or carbs. Although the low carb diet did not give me the weight loss results I wanted, it definitely made me feel the most well – I never had to worry about getting ‘the shakes’.
I’m not carb-obsessed. Yes, I love cake – but it’s not a frequent part of my diet. I’m not keen on pastry, I like good bread but despise indifferent bread, I like pasta from time to time and I really like rice although don’t eat it more than a couple of times a month. But carbs are easy. When I don’t have time to make lunch to take to work, buying an artisan roll from Pret (mmm) is quick, easy and delicious. Even finding a salad without pasta/rice/couscous in is pretty impossible. But clearly I need to cut my carbs right back down. I’d still like to have a bit at weekends sometimes too so need to be super-strict during the week.
And my tablets are making me feel quite ill – I’d been warned that this is often the case but I thought I’d got away with it by researching to build the dose up and take in the middle of a meal. All was mostly well until last night …. and then it was not. Today I have quite bad stomach ache. It can last a fortnight but apparently it’s worth sticking out if I can. At least I’m not vomiting.
The truth is though that although I’m trying to be positive and empowering myself by reading up lots, I am not at all happy about any of this. I feel a failure. I know it’s certainly not the worst illness to have but I feel ashamed of it. I know people will look at me and think I brought this on myself. As it is, I eat pretty healthily. Yes, I have a sweet tooth which does occasionally get out of hand – but actually not much. I’ve only told P and my mum and sworn them both to secrecy.
Work has been appalling. If you’re yawning, I can’t say I blame you. But it’s true. I seem to be in a permanent state of nervous exhaustion. I didn’t have to work over the weekend which was wonderful but the previous Saturday I had to be in for 9am, didn’t leave my desk until 6pm when I went home and started again at 7pm until midnight – and then worked solidly from 6am – 10.30am the following morning. And I think I’ve got out at lunchtime three times since the beginning of December. Sorry to moan, but it’s making life very difficult.
But that’s not the full story.
Do you remember I said I was being tested for my heart (which I was worried about) and diabetes (which I was not)? Well I have my heart tests on Wednesday but I tested positive for diabetes. It was a real shock – I am not thirsty, I do not need the loo a lot (just as well since that’s also something there is no time for in the working day) and I’m not losing weight inexplicably or explicably. Sadly.
It could explain my very, very cold feet. It could explain my scalp psoriasis. It could explain my headaches. But none of these are very mainstream symptoms.
As is typical of my doctor, I just got a note in the post, together with my blood readings and a prescription. I’m not keen on taking things and I strongly suspected that I was borderline and they just react in a mechanical way. I checked my readings online though and they’re pretty damn high; there’s no room for doubt and I can see why they’ve put me on medication immediately.
When I look back, I’ve always had screwy blood sugar. I dieted myself into this in my teens – that’s when I first started getting shaky, sweaty and faint if I’d not eaten and the only thing that helped was something carby and/or sugary. I was the thinnest I’d ever been (or will ever be). This continued with varying levels of frequency and severity for much of my life – definitely exacerbated by eating too much sugar or carbs. Although the low carb diet did not give me the weight loss results I wanted, it definitely made me feel the most well – I never had to worry about getting ‘the shakes’.
I’m not carb-obsessed. Yes, I love cake – but it’s not a frequent part of my diet. I’m not keen on pastry, I like good bread but despise indifferent bread, I like pasta from time to time and I really like rice although don’t eat it more than a couple of times a month. But carbs are easy. When I don’t have time to make lunch to take to work, buying an artisan roll from Pret (mmm) is quick, easy and delicious. Even finding a salad without pasta/rice/couscous in is pretty impossible. But clearly I need to cut my carbs right back down. I’d still like to have a bit at weekends sometimes too so need to be super-strict during the week.
And my tablets are making me feel quite ill – I’d been warned that this is often the case but I thought I’d got away with it by researching to build the dose up and take in the middle of a meal. All was mostly well until last night …. and then it was not. Today I have quite bad stomach ache. It can last a fortnight but apparently it’s worth sticking out if I can. At least I’m not vomiting.
The truth is though that although I’m trying to be positive and empowering myself by reading up lots, I am not at all happy about any of this. I feel a failure. I know it’s certainly not the worst illness to have but I feel ashamed of it. I know people will look at me and think I brought this on myself. As it is, I eat pretty healthily. Yes, I have a sweet tooth which does occasionally get out of hand – but actually not much. I’ve only told P and my mum and sworn them both to secrecy.
Monday, 27 January 2014
Thing that make you go hmmmm
Just me that remembers the C&C Music Factory? Possibly. Even though I have to admit this is the only song of theirs I recall – its quirkiness appealed…. Although it never did make it on to my ipod: I think it’s best left in the 1990s.
My big learning point for the weekend has been learning to interpret a book description which claimed it was the ‘adult Twilight. Oh! THAT sort of adult. Blush. I honestly dread to think what Amazon are going to be recommending me from hereon in. I actually decided to read an old book afterwards for safety’s sake. I know it won’t suddenly launch into graphic description. (Btw, why are heroines always petite and heroes so tall and protective? I don’t think I’d stand much chance against baddies – am I not worth protecting (Don’t answer that!))
I bought some tights from JL. Opaques. I bought XL and was bemused to find that they had an additional Y shaped panel in the body bit. I studied them. I decided to put the panel at the back, feeling that my arse possibly needed the room. The seams rubbed horribly. I turned them around in our squalid work loo: less rubbing but seriously not comfy. That was a waste of £12. What peculiar things.
My world seems to be contracting. I think that’s why my last post was so yawn-inducingly dull. It’s the time of year (I hope). To illustrate my point, my weekend consisted of working Friday night – Saturday morning (and being unable to sleep), an amazing pizza on Saturday lunchtime and a migraine all day on Sunday. And I read 3 complete books and two partial books. Maybe it’s because it’s cold and dark and money is tight, but I seem to be engaging with the world in general far less. And the less I do, the less I want to do. Of course, no-one can engage with a migraine in any case. And I suspect that was prompted by too little sleep on Friday night - although you can never be sure where they come from.
I am trying not to eat as I type. It’s a starve day but I am really very, very starving. And with just a piece of fish and a courgette to look forward to. I’m not usually quite this hungry. I may eat my colleague if I lose control – although she’s so bony I think she’d be the human equivalent of whitebait.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Cookie monster
I’ve
done two pretty good starve days this week and have only been prevented from
doing a third by having to have tests for cholesterol and diabetes this morning
where I had to have two blood tests interspersed by a seriously unpleasant
sweet drink. I’m not worried about
diabetes as I don’t have any of the symptoms but I am worried a bit about my
heart because a)I do have some symptoms (although I’ve been so under pressure
at work I tend to think that if I did have a problem, I’d have keeled over by
now) and b) because they seem to push out statins with such eagerness and abandon
these days and I really don’t want them.
My
non-starve days have been less good. I
had a cookie frenzy on Tuesday and yesterday was just a bit carby. Next week I'll have to work on the non-starve days too and get them looking more like a diet. The cookie frenzy was at Ben's; I only allow myself to go there maybe a couple of times a year but they really are the best cookies. And it actually stops me buying cookies anywhere else as there is no point. But a buy 3 and get 4 is not the amazing and irresistible offer I thought it was. Yes. Four.
On the plus side, one of the starve days was against the backdrop of a psychology session, feeling generally ill and a tricky day so I was particularly impressed with myself that I stuck to it and didn't use any of these things as an excuse not to starve. I couldn't have really after cookie-gate - or alternatively I could have decided this week had already been rendered pointless (not in a WW way, obv!)
Work remains a challenge - the volume of work is slightly less but this is due to something incredibly frustrating acting as a blocker. Still, I live in hope of getting a lunch hour one day next week. I do leave feeling like a limp, wrung out rag most evenings and I can't carry on like this. Okay, that was just to give me an illusion that I have a choice! I have a new boss who is very funny and seems really lovely - he's like a camp, English version of Graham Norton. We work in a bit of a blame culture where people eagerly look out for and pounce on mistakes, ignoring good work, which is sapping and depressing. I hope he can cope because my life is a lot more pleasant and a lot easier with him in it. I only had my tests because he made me feel that there would be no repercussions if I was out of the office for half a day: there is no way I could have done that up to now.
Dear me, this is so dull, I am actually boring myself. Will try to be more interesting next week. If I can carve out a bit of life outside work for myself that is....
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Springwatch
Oh dear. Work is really tough at the moment: there is just too much to do and I feel constantly on the brink of screaming panic. The only thing that stops me is that I'm far too tired for that burst of energy. It's just relentless: one of my junior colleagues on a parallel team has been signed off with stress and is in a bad way and I feel so sorry for him. The only glimmer of a silver lining is that I have a new boss who seems very nice and is certainly pitching in (my old boss didn't believe in actually doing any work, seeing his role as one of unconstructive criticism - he's temporarily promoted so the criticism is more fairly shared about now).
I don't seem to have the mental energy to diet at the moment. I'm not eating like a crazy woman which is good but I must - I MUST - do better. Last week was pretty exemplary, this week was not. My starve days didn't really happen - more tetchily hungry, picking-rather-than-eating days.
The thing is that work is only going to get more busy for the next month. So I have to find some way to deal with that that allows me to diet too. I can't think what that might be and I am SO TIRED that my mind is foggy. Maybe the weekend will help me formulate a plan. But all ideas most, most welcome.
I'm still struggling with the January blues too. They're so intensely navy that I sometimes wonder if it's a bit more than that. I guess I'll wait until Spring and find out. We're over halfway through January so that's good news.
I am - after your encouragement - doing a photo challenge called 100 happy days. Its premise is that you take a photo of something that has made you happy that day and put it on your choice of social media site. I think I've been doing it for about a week and it will tell me when I have completed it. It makes me look for optimism every day and even when it's a bit feeble (the colour contrast of my halved kiwi on a cobalt blue plate was today's), I think and hope that it reinforces the message that there is at least a flicker of happiness every day. Far too many of mine are of food or drink, sigh (NB Just checked - 4 out of 10 are of food or drink so not so bad!). If you fancy having a go, do google it. I'm doing it on Instagram and I am enjoying seeing other people's photos.
And tomorrow's photo is likely to be of a cocktail.
I don't seem to have the mental energy to diet at the moment. I'm not eating like a crazy woman which is good but I must - I MUST - do better. Last week was pretty exemplary, this week was not. My starve days didn't really happen - more tetchily hungry, picking-rather-than-eating days.
The thing is that work is only going to get more busy for the next month. So I have to find some way to deal with that that allows me to diet too. I can't think what that might be and I am SO TIRED that my mind is foggy. Maybe the weekend will help me formulate a plan. But all ideas most, most welcome.
I'm still struggling with the January blues too. They're so intensely navy that I sometimes wonder if it's a bit more than that. I guess I'll wait until Spring and find out. We're over halfway through January so that's good news.
I am - after your encouragement - doing a photo challenge called 100 happy days. Its premise is that you take a photo of something that has made you happy that day and put it on your choice of social media site. I think I've been doing it for about a week and it will tell me when I have completed it. It makes me look for optimism every day and even when it's a bit feeble (the colour contrast of my halved kiwi on a cobalt blue plate was today's), I think and hope that it reinforces the message that there is at least a flicker of happiness every day. Far too many of mine are of food or drink, sigh (NB Just checked - 4 out of 10 are of food or drink so not so bad!). If you fancy having a go, do google it. I'm doing it on Instagram and I am enjoying seeing other people's photos.
And tomorrow's photo is likely to be of a cocktail.
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Revolve resolve
I
cannot possibly calculate how many years I have had ‘lose weight’ as my New
Year’s resolution. Even on years when,
looking back, I was not that fat (this relates to teenage years fyi) it was a
resolution. Last year I tried to think
of something more meaningful and resolved to look less like a mentally ill bag
lady when out hiking. I did actually
achieve this, more or less. This year,
as I’ve been feeling so low, I decided I would do a ‘3 good things that
happened to me today’ in my diary. I
used to do this online with a colleague but she’s now moved on so I thought I
could do it, it would be fine and it would be nice to look back on at the end
of the year.
Oh dear. The first day I scraped through with one ‘thing’ being very unconvincing indeed. On the 2nd I only managed 2 tepid ‘things’ and then I stopped. It’s supposed to cheer me up but when the best thing I manage is ‘today is over now’, it really, really doesn’t.
It could be my January blues leaking pigment all over my life; it could reflect how under the weather and stressed I feel because of work; it could be because this Christmas has been punctuated by a series of distressing rows with P (eg the one where he was convinced I’d deliberately burnt his piece of Christmas pudding by ignoring his instruction to put it in the microwave for 1 min (I didn’t hear him and put it in for 3. And burnt it)). Any which way I look at it, I’m struggling for any feelings of self-worth and positivity at the moment.
None of which takes us an iota away from the fact that I still need to make my NY resolution losing weight. And that’s not enough, I need to succeed at it. I’m just not sure how to do that. I bought a Slimming World magazine on Sunday to think about trying that one again. I vaguely remembered it wasn’t all about carbs and that it would suit me. I had forgotten the excruciating simpering system of “syns”and the vehement belief that the way to achieve success was by eating foods where anything natural had been removed and replaced by chemicals and saccharin. I can’t do it. I’ll buy the Weight Watchers one next but I fear a similar level of zeal for low-fat, highly artificial, vilely tasting products.
In the meantime I went back to the starve days yesterday – it was a good day and even with 2 Lindors, I should have come in around the correct calorie consumption:
Breakfast – nothing
Lunch – a mini babybel cheddar, an apple and 2 clementines
Dinner – a roasted courgette (spritzed with spray oil) and a pack of Birds Eye frozen haddock in some kind of sauce.
Today is a non-starve day and I feel it’s critical to still diet hard – I kind of think maybe I overdid things on non-starve days. So today:
Breakfast – stewed apple (no sweetening), 120g “% fat Greek yoghurt, 6 dates and a scattering of nuts
Mid-morning – flat white
Lunch – home-made chicken and vegetable soup, a piece of cheese, apple and 2 clementines
Dinner – Home-made meatballs with spaghetti and spicy tomato sauce, pineapple, 2 cubes Turkish delight
That’s quite a lot for a non-starve day – I was due to have roasted salmon and ratatouille but P is making meatballs and this is one of my favourite comfort foods so the salmon has been re-scheduled for Thursday. Tomorrow and Friday will be starve days (although I have my ‘mindfulness’ session with the psychologist on Wednesday first thing so that could scotch that one).
Oh dear. The first day I scraped through with one ‘thing’ being very unconvincing indeed. On the 2nd I only managed 2 tepid ‘things’ and then I stopped. It’s supposed to cheer me up but when the best thing I manage is ‘today is over now’, it really, really doesn’t.
It could be my January blues leaking pigment all over my life; it could reflect how under the weather and stressed I feel because of work; it could be because this Christmas has been punctuated by a series of distressing rows with P (eg the one where he was convinced I’d deliberately burnt his piece of Christmas pudding by ignoring his instruction to put it in the microwave for 1 min (I didn’t hear him and put it in for 3. And burnt it)). Any which way I look at it, I’m struggling for any feelings of self-worth and positivity at the moment.
None of which takes us an iota away from the fact that I still need to make my NY resolution losing weight. And that’s not enough, I need to succeed at it. I’m just not sure how to do that. I bought a Slimming World magazine on Sunday to think about trying that one again. I vaguely remembered it wasn’t all about carbs and that it would suit me. I had forgotten the excruciating simpering system of “syns”and the vehement belief that the way to achieve success was by eating foods where anything natural had been removed and replaced by chemicals and saccharin. I can’t do it. I’ll buy the Weight Watchers one next but I fear a similar level of zeal for low-fat, highly artificial, vilely tasting products.
In the meantime I went back to the starve days yesterday – it was a good day and even with 2 Lindors, I should have come in around the correct calorie consumption:
Breakfast – nothing
Lunch – a mini babybel cheddar, an apple and 2 clementines
Dinner – a roasted courgette (spritzed with spray oil) and a pack of Birds Eye frozen haddock in some kind of sauce.
Today is a non-starve day and I feel it’s critical to still diet hard – I kind of think maybe I overdid things on non-starve days. So today:
Breakfast – stewed apple (no sweetening), 120g “% fat Greek yoghurt, 6 dates and a scattering of nuts
Mid-morning – flat white
Lunch – home-made chicken and vegetable soup, a piece of cheese, apple and 2 clementines
Dinner – Home-made meatballs with spaghetti and spicy tomato sauce, pineapple, 2 cubes Turkish delight
That’s quite a lot for a non-starve day – I was due to have roasted salmon and ratatouille but P is making meatballs and this is one of my favourite comfort foods so the salmon has been re-scheduled for Thursday. Tomorrow and Friday will be starve days (although I have my ‘mindfulness’ session with the psychologist on Wednesday first thing so that could scotch that one).
Of
course, as I am too frightened to weigh myself, it’s hard to know how I’ll know
whether this is being effective or not!
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